How to convince resistant LD wife?

[ssmguy]

I believe he is experimenting with other women or a woman to date...Found Viagra and four tablets have been used, he also has a tablet splitter.

I wonder if he really has ED or if it's just psychological. Going out and experimenting might also involve anxiety with new people? Does he have any problems when he's going solo? Is he blaming his ED on you? Never tried any of those pills so I don't know how much they help in various psychological states.

I feel devastated that I hurt him so much. It eats at me daily. I never realized what sex was to him.

I think you're being too hard on yourself, aside from the fact that it motivated you to go the extra mile. If my wife made the effort that you have made, I'd be extremely happy, not to mention shocked. But then again, I'm naturally optimistic and cheerful in spite of my situation. Your husband is dealing with depression and resentment, which can both be overcome. You make it sound like a permanent injury. It's not. It's just that it's hard to reverse overnight.

I believe he felt judged and shame for things that he may have wanted to do with me. I was just so embarrassed to talk about sex, let alone explore other aspects of it.

My wife has become that way too, even though she seemed more open when we first met. But if she changed, it wouldn't be too late in my case.

This is EXACTLY where he is! It scares the Hell out of me, because I know he is experimenting out there and if he sees me as a mommy figure or "good" girl, then those feelings may not return. Add to that he has ED and depression, those affect desire as well.

Those feelings can return. None of this is permanent.

The difficult part is him trusting . I know he is feeling as if I don't want or need him sexually. He could never bring me to a C. orgasm, only a vibrator could. So I believe that is also a factor.

Well, my wife never had an orgasm at all in any way with me, and she never said she had one by herself either. Sure, it made me feel inadequate at times until I understood better that it's not my fault. But it hasn't devastated me or reduced my libido.

I wish I could tell him that I actually managed to do it all by myself for the first time, without a vibrator! It was actually rather freeing , for I know if having sex with my husband ,that I can touch myself and should succeed. I never thought I could touch myself during sex. GOD this is so depressing...I'm 53 and JUST figuring out this crap!

I wish you were describing my wife. If she had figured it out at 53, I'd be overjoyed.

Now when we had dinner the other night, I did flirt a bit and he laughed and joked back. Unfortunately he believes that he doesn't want to be like Pavlov's dog, I ring the bell and he comes running. I've done MAJOR damage, and honestly don't know if I will ever be able to rectify it.

I understand how he feels. It's resentment from the past. But it will eventually go away after a lot of positive interactions where you look only to the future, without going over the past. Just keep up a positive attitude and he might eventually see that what else is out there isn't as good.

You know I was doing well 'til I started writing about this, I'm sobbing now, for I feel like I destroyed a person who was so accepting of me, and I really had no clue.

Way too hard on yourself. But I wouldn't mind if my wife felt a little bit of that! Just a little bit.

I tried earlier in our marriage, and he said it felt contrived. I got shut down, and then felt even more awkward.

Maybe some control issues and sexual inexperience on his part? This kind of stuff is not your fault. Gee, it's amazing how manipulated one can be by comments in sexual situations.

Back in the beginning of BD, he did talk about dressing sexier, which I have. Now remember my age, and what I do is wear tight slacks ( flatteringly tight ), more form fitting tops, and even some cleavage.

As much as we men are seen to be visually attracted, they can also be warmed up with hugs, cuddling, affection and admiration. Make is seem like your sexy looks are only a part of your overall warmth. Of course, I'm speaking of what I find attractive, and not all men are the same.

He was kind but made it clear, he had no desire. Now it was within two months of bomb drop and he was in the anger/resentment stage.

Yeah, that makes sense. He's in his anger bubble. Try to not let it affect you. Stay positive and have a sense of humor.

It is really a conundrum, for he wanted me to initiate. He has stated several times he has no desire for me...I don't know if this is true, for he professes it a bit too much, or if it isn't true. That he doesn't want to have sex because it could "lead me on" or be taking advantage.

Yeah, professing a bit too much indeed. It's such a complex thing, like do I have desire for my wife? At this moment? Or ever? You know, it's not something that is black and white in my brain. But put me in the situation and I'm pretty sure things will heat up. So just saying something like "I don't desire you" is mostly just manipulation. If at the moment one is not desiring someone, why even say that? It's such a negative thing. Obviously not designed to make you feel good. So what's the motivation for saying it? He's just expressing resentment in a hurtful way because he knows you're sensitive to comments like that.

Also, if he is seeing just one individual, the guilt can play a major factor here. I can't be nearly as titillating as a new person, especially someone who is more sexually practiced than I.

Funny thing to say after all the cliches about how men like virgins and inexperienced women and all. Anyway, your having changed and dressing differently makes you somewhat new too, which he has apparently noticed to some degree.

Right now I'm focused on just being someone he can feel at ease around, someone that brings feelings of comfort and listens to him.

Wow, sounds good to me. I wouldn't turn that down!

I don't know what else I can do.

You can give it time. Resentment tends to wash away with time in the face of positive interactions. In the movies, it happens in a single scene -- that's not reality.

Unfortunately with my weight loss , my boobs are shrinking. So the cleavage that I had is harder to achieve! (:o HA!

Those wouldn't be the reasons for any outcome. If I'm wrong, he's not worth keeping! Exercise and keep up the energy. Those are appealing things.

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