S - Thank you for taking the time to put together this list of questions. I will try and answer each of them. I have told H that I needed time and I am not about to make a decision based on emotion or fear or to punish my H.
H's position has not really changed. However, after our conversation, I have a huge realization about myself. It was like a switch was flipped and I realized that I had been fooling myself and had not been detaching from H. Although I was getting stronger, I was still acting each day like we would eventually get back together and would base my actions around that. I had expectations, not just hope. It scared me.
I am not ok with H's vision of our future and I am not ok with being in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with another woman. I have been aware that he is having an affair. When he first moved out and demanded space, I gave it to him. Our interactions were limited to stuff with the kids. He was going to OW for support and his emotional needs. H and I did not talk often and if we did it was limited to just the kids/finances.
It has only been recently that our family time has been increasing. H has been hanging around the house, calling, talking to me about stuff other than the kids. I have known, and H confirmed, that his EA continues. So nothing has really changed with the A, but his interactions and expectations as to the amount of time that we will all spend together has changed. While H wants the best of both worlds (a new life with a spontaneous/risk taking woman and his old life with a responsible, loving, accommodating ex wife and his children), I don't share his vision.
Here is what I know that I want:
I want to stand for my marriage. I want to know that I did everything possible to make myself into a person that only a fool would leave. Maybe H will be that fool, but if I focus on myself than I will be ok no matter what happens.
I want to handle this situation with dignity and grace. I don't want to attack my H, or seek revenge, or punish him for his choices.
No matter what happens, I want my relationship with H to remain amicable. Even if we get D, I want to be able to chat with H at our sons' baseball games. I want to be able to chat at their graduations and weddings. I want to both be invited to meet our grandchildren together. I want an amicable relationship so that our children never have to choice whether to invite myself or H to an event. While I know that it may be difficult if H or myself is with someone else, I hope that we can get to this point. My vision differs from H's vision, in that I don't imagine H coming to our home every week for family dinners, etc. I think that H's vision will be confusing to the kids as well.
I want to have self-respect. I will not respect myself if I allow H's vision to come true. I do not want to have a relationship with H if he is in a relationship with another woman. I will continue to co-parent. I don't want to be his plan b.
I don't want to give H the emotional support that he asks for (sending texts complaining about his day etc.), while he provides emotional support to OW and simply tells me that I am on my own. I don't want to be in a one sided relationship.
Just like H needs some space and time, I need some space to start building a life without H. If he is coming over every day and we are hanging out as a family and interacting as friends all the time, I cannot move forward and grow.
I don't want to completely eliminate our family time, but I do want to eliminate the cake eating in order to restore my self-respect.
I am thinking about proposing the following, with the knowledge that it can change:
H can take kids on Wednesday/Friday nights alone. H can pick up the boys and take then to school M/W/F. If he wants to spent time with them before school, he can pick them up and take them to breakfast. I want to eliminate him coming over early/laying in bed/taking a shower in the house. While I find some comfort that H stills feels like it is his home, I need to start preparing myself that he may never live their again. I need to start making new memories in the house with just the kids. Sunday will be the day that we can have family time. We can agree on the time/activity in advance. I agree with H that family time is good for the kids and provides us with the opportunity to talk. It will eliminate H calling on his way home from work to stop in for dinner if nothing more exciting has come up.
