Do what I can but still have questions 4

[soccerwife]

Oh my, I have really worked hard on myself over the last two years. I have been seeing counselors frequently. I had an excellent Christian Counselor for the first year. He put me into a depression group for a while. Now I am seeing another Christian counselor. She is also good, but doesn't do cognitive therapy, she just listens and encourages. I was on anti-depressants for the first 6 months and didn't like the way they made me so dull. I couldn't feel any emotions at all. I decided to go it on my own a while. I am now starting on St John's Wort and the verdict is still out. I eat well, maintain a healthy weight, run 24 miles a week, spend quality time with my kids and family. I try to enjoy time alone, I actually like going out to eat alone because there is no one to complain about the food and service and I can go anywhere I like, even fancy places. I have taken up many new hobbies and further indulged in the hobbies I already had. I am gardening, homebrewing beer and wine, cooking every chance I get. I have read hundreds, literally, of books. I have joined a couple recreational clubs. I adopted 2 dogs and 4 chickens. I have traveled a little. I have gone to a bunch of concerts and shows. I have remained diligent with Bible studies and prayer. And, I have made a very special friend who understands me and makes me happy. And I try to give as much as I possible can to the people I care about. But, you know, it isn't enough to get me past this.

I have trouble feeling happy for others. For instance, when I see a "happy" couple together, I always think in the back of my mind that, too bad for them, its only temporary, he will most likely hurt her some day. And I seem to be self-defeatist. Ever since I started spending time with someone who makes me feel good, I think it is only a matter of time until he gets tired of me and throws me out like my husband did. So, I have considered not being friends with him anymore just to avoid that pain in the future.

I didn't get back on this forum to find help, really. I wanted to post just in case anyone remembered talking with me back then and wondered how my story turned out. And I felt like a lier these last two years knowing I left this optimistic loose end dangling when the truth was so different. I didn't write on here for two whole years because admitting that I failed to save my marriage was so painful. I felt like a worthless failure, and still do to a large extent. This site is about hope, and getting control of an out-of-control situation. I didn't deserve to be on here anymore bringing people down. People on here need to hear that anything is possible. They need to feel like miracles can happen to them and that their families can be the ones who make it work.

Like I said, I have not given up hope, but my situation will be coming to an end in the very near future and I don't have much faith that H will change his mind in a time period that coincides with my healing process.