We're Dating

[labug]

I posted on Kate's thread in Newcomers that I've had some anger surfacing lately and how the way I deal with that now is so different.

For some reason that reminded me to look for an article I promised to send a friend. As I was reading through it to make sure it was what I wanted, I came across these words:

"Yet, what does my behavior convey to him when he happens to behave in ways I do not like? Am I transmitting full acceptance of where he is at in the moment? Or am I transmitting disapproval, through verbal and/or non-verbal communication (i.e. body language)?

Am I still in a place of self-awareness and choice as to prioritize connection? Or am I pulled into reactivity and conditionality? Maybe withdrawing emotionally from him, or withholding the relationship in reactive, subconscious ways"...

"If I indiscriminately buy into the cultural conditioning that love is a feeling, my behavior will reflect that. All emotions, pleasant neutral or unpleasant, change every so many seconds, depending on situations, what need is stirred in us, and what thoughts we focus on and cultivate."...

"Holding love as an autonomous value puts the responsibility of loving and "feeling loved" (i.e. meeting my need for love) on me. I empower myself to care for and look after this seed of love, water it, and help it grow into a healthy, hearty plant."

I needed to read that this morning because my old ways were to use my tone and body language to express dissatisfaction. I withheld affection. There was a lot of "If you loved me then..." both spoken and unspoken.

I'm not that person anymore but I have to practice that everyday in every interaction.

S20 and I had a difficult conversation last night about an agreement we had made with a target date of Jan 1st. The agreement was important so I wrote it down and had given it to him to make any changes. He had handed it back to me without changes and said he was in agreement.

He now doesn't remember that and has made no moves toward satisfying the agreement.

However, we were able to have a discussion about it that was a reiteration of the facts, and while he was clearly unhappy there was no dredging up the past, no old resentments. I was able to validate where necessary and ask for clarification when needed.

I was present in that moment, not entrenched in the past.

And I was able to sleep last night. No worried tossing and turning.

As they say in AlAnon, It Works If You Work It.