The Red Pill aka The Leap of Faith

[Pudmuddle]

Wow, just WOW, JF. I don't know how you maintained, but you did amazing. That was quite the rant.

I'm so sorry your son had to hear that. You did good with him.

Take a break from the boards after this. Please take care of yourself. Get some rest if you can.

[uRworthy]

So sorry you had to go through all that, J. And so sorry for your son.

It really is time to lovingly let her go, sweetie.

Your children need you right now. And you need to get to a good strong place for them and yourself.

You are given an amazing opportunity here to show your sons how to navigate through life's tough stuff with strength and courage. Show them well.

They are looking to you right now. You are their touchstone. If you are ok, they will be, too.

Hang in there. You will get through this.

(((HUGS)))

[BklynMom]

Great job.

I feel like midlife crisis people are constantly trying to prove 1+1=37. There logic is non existent but they will try over and over to prove the impossible. That is why its so important to focus on our own changes. If they choose to they will see the obvious.

[Pudmuddle]

Good one BrooklynMom. I'm going to say that to myself when things get tough with my H. Me thinking 'why is he trying to make 1+1 = 37?!' LOL!

[tigerlily78]

I feel like midlife crisis people are constantly trying to prove 1+1=37. There logic is non existent but they will try over and over to prove the impossible.

Yes! I am going to write this in my notebook. Genius.

[Mach1]

j,

I know how hard it is to hear this...

I want you to take a few minutes to re-read these, and see how script this actually is....

She definitely received her MLC playbook...

She said:
-I don't even know who you are anymore.

Script, she needs to convince herself of this, to justify her exit plan...

-Other people have commented about how happy and friendly you are.

That is good..

-Its all a big F-ing show.

For who...her ? You ???

Sounds like projection to me..

-You never wanted to go to church or Sunday school before.

She is going to Divorce you, because you decided to go to church.....hmmm

-I have no connection to you. Physical or emotional.

Script

-Our son needs counseling because of what he's heard

It will be a good idea for BOTH of your boys to get some counseling after this...

-You have no idea what you've done to him. S12

She doesn't either, yet making that statement makes her sound more involved...

-I can't live like this anymore.

I agree with her, and one again.....script

-It's a little too late to change.

For who once again....her ?

She already said that you have changed...

-You've done a 360 in everything, people don't just change like that.

This is the funniest comment of all....

She is saying that you HAVE changed, then said that people don't change, then said AGAIN that you had, BUT they won't last...

So...

A "360" would indicate that you have come full circle...yes ?

Which is it ?

-I'm not leaving this house.

Script....she fears judgement from others, and the perception is, that IF she leaves, she is wrong....

-I'll leave and the children will go with me, because they will choose me.

I thought she said she WASN'T leaving....which is it ?

And let her think what she wants....DO NOT use those boys as pawns in this mess...

-The kids even see that you are different.

Your relationship with them, is your relationship with them.

Once again, they are not pawns in this....

-You're not even the person I met 20 years ago.

I would hope not....geesh

-I didn't mind being a single mother, I don't mind doing for my kids.

Yes she does....when it isn't convenient she does....

-You've never cared before, why now.
-I know you said this was like a bomb dropped on you, but people don't just change.
-It's just because you are medicated. If you think it's not, you're crazy.
-You're big mouth has hurt your son in ways you don't understand.

Script, projection. blah, blah,blah.....

-It's no wonder I went for an emotional affair. You've never been there for me emotionally.


-S12 said there's no way I could have a boyfriend, because your always with us

So which is it ????

She has a boyfriend ?

Or she doesn't ???

-What do you want me to do? About 10 times
-You've said you want me to try. I don't want to. How are you supposed to get back something that took 10 years to go away.

More script, projection, MLC blah blah blah...

Look J, the fallout from yesterday's events found you, and you handled it pretty well...

She is pissed because you aren't financing "Fantasy Camp" anymore...

I will post more later....

I just want you to see this for what it is...

[JFun51]

Whew! A good night's sleep gets me recharged after a rough night. Weirdest thing after the draining barrage of emotions last night was that W went out to the store to get some things for work and when she came back, she talked to me like all was good and smiled at me like she hasn't in over a week. When I turned in to bed, instead of stopping her texting/FBing, she was showing me things and telling me what she was looking at. We watched a bball game together on TV, talking the whole time, until we both went to sleep. I guess she just needed to get that stuff out last night.

This DBing stuff is definitely counter intuitive. I found myself calm while she spewed at me with the most anger she has in a long time. I listened to her like I've never listened to her before. She told me so much last night. She said that she just wanted an emotional connection and someone to care about her and things that she cared about in her life. She admitted that she had put up a wall and refused to even attempt anything to make it better or accept that I was changing.

She asked me what I wanted her to do several times. I told her I appreciated her confusion and that I couldn't tell her what to do. I reassured her that I was not putting on a show for her or anyone and understood why she would be skeptical.

What should I expect from here? Felt like another mini BD last night.

[Breakdown]

This DBing stuff is definitely counter intuitive. I found myself calm while she spewed at me with the most anger she has in a long time. I listened to her like I've never listened to her before. She told me so much last night. She said that she just wanted an emotional connection and someone to care about her and things that she cared about in her life. She admitted that she had put up a wall and refused to even attempt anything to make it better or accept that I was changing.

Yes, it is. As I was once told, life is a test....and buddy, you scored pretty well last night.

So when she says you can't change, or it's not real, or it's a show, and then throws all that sh!t at you, and you remain calm, listen and validate, what's that telling her?

I will also echo what Mach1 said....almost all of that sounds like script to me. I heard most of it myself.

Keep marching buddy....keep marching.

[JFun51]

Thanks Mach-I've got my head screwed on pretty well this morning. I can honestly tell you that I'm surprised how well I held up in the face of the blitz last night. She went from rage to disbelief to introspection and everything in between for about an hour.

As I reflect this morning, I realize this event was the greatest indicator to me so far that I am coming closer to getting my side of this under control and understanding my place. As I held my son last night and assured him that I loved him and nothing would ever change that, I felt a grand purpose in everything I do. I felt like the only steady thing in the house at that moment.

One of the few things that I said during the rant last night was that I agreed with her assessment that S12 might need some counseling and that we would all benefit from it.

I can't stand W trying to use the kids as pawns to create guilt or entice a reaction from me. I refuse to reciprocate. when I talked with S12 after W left for the store, that conversation was for us. I wont share the contents of that, because its our business. I wont try to hurt her relationship with them either as I know she has done in regards to me.

S12 told me he was afraid I was going to leave because I was upset with mommy. I assured him that there was only 1 place I wanted to be in this world.

[Mach1]

Weirdest thing after the draining barrage of emotions last night was that W went out to the store to get some things for work and when she came back, she talked to me like all was good and smiled at me like she hasn't in over a week. When I turned in to bed, instead of stopping her texting/FBing, she was showing me things and telling me what she was looking at. We watched a bball game together on TV, talking the whole time, until we both went to sleep. I guess she just needed to get that stuff out last night.

Not weird at all in the world of MLC....

Pretty common actually.

Some of the most venomous spew ever, has been forgotten within hours.

That is why I say that no single interaction will either make or break you. And your marriage will NOT hinge on any single interaction...

That is also why it is imperative that you protect yourself, and your children from this...

Also, it doesn't mean that her feelings aren't valid either. It is more of a...this is how she is feeling AT THAT MOMENT though, rather than her deepest truth on the matter...

I posted the other day about how Women in MLC tend to not lash out as much, yet when they do ?

Yea, buckle down, cause they go for the throat pretty quickly.

She knows the exact words, that can bring you to your knees...quickly

You handled things extremely well...for a noob

Don't bring any of this up again....

Sit on your responses for now, and think about how you could have responded differently, cause you WILL hear most of this again down the road....