Hi all. I'm new here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hi everybody! I finally saw my post today after checking every day. I was about to give up but decided to stay patient. I just want to say the members on this forum are amazing! It's like a family. You guys really help each other out, it's actually pretty amazing.

My story is very strange or maybe it's quite normal. For the past 2 years I have been on a crazy journey of self discovery and growth. I may have accidentally implemented some of these techniques.

Ill give you guys the quick story and ill add as I go along.

I've been with my common law partner(I guess ill call her W for short) for a total of 6 years including a 14 month separation. We have a 3 year old boy together. We are currently living with my mom(my dad sort of left us at an early age but still pops in and out of our lives, very weird). I'm 35 and she is 28.

We were together for 4.5 years when she decided she had enough. I had anger issues which I've worked really hard on changing. Through counseling and many self help books and podcasts, I've successfully changed that behavior. My counselor is actually really proud of the work I put in. During my dark period I inadvertently applied some of the principles preached here. I did many 180's, was very patient, always tried to stay positive, I worked on myself and learned so much more about myself that I could change, I always tried to avoid conflict, I bit my tongue off so many times, I always took the high road, I was the best father to my son etc. I learned something from a mother Teresa quote if all places. It's something along the lines of, if you're kind, people will think you have ulterior motives.... Be kind anyway. That is what I constantly told myself. Anyway, after 14 months of working on myself, transporting my son back and forth(we shared 50/50 custody), always being there for her, being patient and even dating!! She came back. This was last April. She spent the 14 months going out, hanging with co workers, socializing, being free etc. that's not to say she was a bad mother. She has a lot of personal issues that have not been dealt with. Abuse from past relationships, her father abandoning her mother and 3 sisters at a young age, being bullied and generally just having very low self worth. I actually believe she suffers from many personality disorders and depression. She is very up and down and makes hasty decisions based on how she feels at the moment. Very defensive. Has had many anxiety attacks. Has very low self worth but also very high self worth. Seeks validation from everybody but me. Has many cognitive distortions, mainly mind reading. She projects a lot. Doesn't empathize very well. I don't mean to make it sound like she's crazy because we all have felt these things, but it seems to feel these things slightly above the normal range. Anyway, I'm going off topic here, so I spent 14 months looking at myself and she spent 14 months looking at things to take away her pain. So she comes back in April and her reason is I'm the love of her life and she wants to marry me and grow old together. I asked my counselor if she could set us up with a coupes counselor. So for the past 7 months or so we've been in couples counseling. It was a mixed bag and I've learned my lesson there. It was clear my W should've sorted out her personal stuff first and I should've told my counselor our goal was to find ways to make the relationship work. My W tried to do IC but that fell through.

So anyway, for the 7 months we were reconciled things seemed great. We kept journals together and it seemed like she was really wanting to make this work. Talked about marriage, how she's happy now, yada yada. But there were still entries about how she wasn't happy about herself. So fast forward to the week before my bday(oct 11), she was scheduled to go on a work trip. Well, the day before she left she had a huge breakdown which I handled poorly. After she got back she told me she was feeling suicidal and wasn't good being in a relationship. Stupid me, made it about myself. I got upset she was leaving me again and she nearly blew a gasket. Threw a plate, told me she hated me and said I was just like her father. Wait, let me back up to my bday. She writes on fb that I'm the greatest bf, father, friend. We went out for my bday on the 12th and had a great time. Then, a couple days later she blew her gasket. There was a couple of days where I wasn't sure what our status was. So I guess it's been almost a month of being broken up.

She claims things were going back into the same cycle. I was and still am confused about this. How can you say and act all lovey dovey then bail again. One of her main issues was our living situation. I agree it was not ideal but my intentions were not to stay here forever. I made an appointment with a financial advisor while she was away on her trip. We were supposed to go together but that was the day she broke up with me. I was taking steps towards our goal.

During the last month it's been a mixed bag. Some huge setbacks and some really good progress. One of my issues was that she was still friends with a guy she had casual sex with. They play pool together and have one on one hangouts. First let me say she isn't your typical woman. She views make/female relationships as platonic. It's who she is and it's a part of her core. So anyway our huge blow up happened after her bday(nov 1). I was originally invited to her bday but then she told me not to come. We had a ridiculous argument and she felt it was best I don't show. Fair enough. I find out(through snooping, I know it's a wrong move) that she spent the night in a hotel with that douche. I was furious and had my first ever panick attack. She said she didn't want to come home to another fight. At this point I thought I lost her forever, but by the end of the night she was talking to me about her day and what's been going on with work. No initiating by me.

So basically for the last 10 days things have been good. We get along, she makes me coffee, we play rock band(she loves singing), she even tickled me last night and we went out together with one of my friends. She's moving out at the end of the month and I'm definitely not looking forward to that. We're actually still in counseling together and she's very close to getting her IC back on track.

Wow I kind of just let out a wall of text. There's obviously more to my story but that's the important stuff.

Any input, insights, questions, reassurances will be greatly appreciated.

I will pick up divorce remedy.

Thank you all and I look forward to comments and posting what I've learned since I actually did reconcile. Although it was for only 7 months. Haha. I still have a lot to learn.