hmmmmm this is interesting Ambiv. would like to see what is said.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
My W has always had guilt issues. Comes from her upbringing, which I clearly saw shortly after we were married with the interactions with her family.
Interesting thing, during the worst of this, guilt was turned off, or rather turned outward.
Since May/June 2012 when clarity SLOWLY started coming forward, she has talked about, extensively, her guilty feelings as to what she has done. Everything, stuff from years before BD, guilty that she wasn't the best Mom (in her mind), that she didn't do X, that decision Y was wrong, etc.
Some of her cycling through the stages I reckon is processing, running, resolving that guilt. Always looking for a reason it "had to happen that way", absolving her of at least partial responsibility. Just a deduction, but she has hinted at it and the evidence is there based on what she has told me.
I firmly believe that a lot of what is holding her back from recommitting (not all, but a lot), is how to return, given all she's done. She has clearly said that she feels horridly guilty at "checking out for 4-5 years, especially the last two" from the family and the boys.
So guilt is good? Depends...do they have it within them to look within, figure it all out, and allow themselves to be forgiven and accepted back. To do the work, face the pain?
Do we and the others involved (kids, family, etc), have it within US to forgive, wholly, completely, and allow them back in, with unconditional love? Letting go of the past behavior?
So, though we are not reconciled yet, she is still here, in house and trying to work through it...
My 2.5 cents and experience.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Oh, and I had both acted act via anger, and spoken.
It was a cycle.
I do firmly believe that if we can't show this: "Do we and the others involved (kids, family, etc), have it within US to forgive, wholly, completely, and allow them back in, with unconditional love? Letting go of the past behavior?"
They will not be able to risk/trust doing this: "allow themselves to be forgiven and accepted back. To do the work, face the pain?"
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I wonder of the veterans that have reconciled, what part it played?
With me, BD, he spoke about guilt and what he should be doing.
In the counselor's office, again he felt guilty.
Even in written correspondence, he would mention feeling guilty.
Now I see none. Outwardly or spoken.
Last Saturday night he seemed happy to tell us that he had a "poker game".
I have also noticed he seems to volunteer information when he is lying. This may be another form of expressing guilt.
Has anyone experienced this?
I also wonder how much compartmentalization plays in reconciliation. Do they have the ability to justify what they did forever or if the guilt wins out?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean they don't feel it.
The thing is, a person in crisis isn't going to necessarily act on those feelings like a fully functional, normal human being. Instead of using the guilt as a catalyst to make good on mistakes, the pendulum may swing the other way and they may do more damage.
I've seen this with my H. Times when he has felt overwhelmed with guilt are the times when he does really, really damaging stuff--like inviting the OW to live with him.
It's so hard to predict an MLC--the vets say it's impossible. These are people in a lot of pain and you just never know.
I suggest getting comfortable with YOU. Predict what you can do in the future with your sitch.
Make yourself the best YOU EVER!!! And, whatever gets thrown your way, then you can handle it.
Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Very early on, my xSO expressed how guilty he felt. Guilt, as it turned out in my sitch was just another selfish way of looking at things. HE felt bad because he knew he was not acting as he should and what would others think of HIM. Nothing to do with how badly I might feel as a result. Follow? Once he was able to convince himself that he wasn't so bad, that guilt melted away. You see, guilt has everything to do with them and how bad they are feeling about themselves and nothing to do with us. I've never seen guilt get in the way of an MLCer's extra-curricular activities.
REMORSE is different. That is when the apologies are real and there is real follow through and an effort to make things right. Sometimes remorse never comes or it sure takes a long time (I still have not seen it, 14 months out).
You mentioned that when your H is lying, he seems to give you more details of his life. My xSO was (is?) the same. When I finally clued in, I realized that it was his way of compensating for the lying. It made him feel that he was more believable. Goodness, did I fall for some whoppers. But that was called trust.
