My W has always had guilt issues. Comes from her upbringing, which I clearly saw shortly after we were married with the interactions with her family.
Interesting thing, during the worst of this, guilt was turned off, or rather turned outward.
Since May/June 2012 when clarity SLOWLY started coming forward, she has talked about, extensively, her guilty feelings as to what she has done. Everything, stuff from years before BD, guilty that she wasn't the best Mom (in her mind), that she didn't do X, that decision Y was wrong, etc.
Some of her cycling through the stages I reckon is processing, running, resolving that guilt. Always looking for a reason it "had to happen that way", absolving her of at least partial responsibility. Just a deduction, but she has hinted at it and the evidence is there based on what she has told me.
I firmly believe that a lot of what is holding her back from recommitting (not all, but a lot), is how to return, given all she's done. She has clearly said that she feels horridly guilty at "checking out for 4-5 years, especially the last two" from the family and the boys.
So guilt is good? Depends...do they have it within them to look within, figure it all out, and allow themselves to be forgiven and accepted back. To do the work, face the pain?
Do we and the others involved (kids, family, etc), have it within US to forgive, wholly, completely, and allow them back in, with unconditional love? Letting go of the past behavior?
So, though we are not reconciled yet, she is still here, in house and trying to work through it...
My 2.5 cents and experience.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
