Oh boy, facepalming hard time. So I back slid, kind of?
H called once again doing the weird awkward silence thing. I tried to sound all peppy and then I don't know what the hell happened. I just started crying. OMG, I could not control myself. I feel like such an idiot! He was trying to comfort me, and I was trying to sound ok despite crying. He was mentioning the divorce thing again but said it was going to take a long time and what's the rush......then what he said next was a total WTF.....he told me I was the one who wanted the divorce in the first place and that he didn't want to file for it because I was always changing my mind. However, he said we were for sure getting a divorce. So in his mind, I somehow initiated the divorce? He has rewrote history. Sorry if I sound upset, this was in the last hour so I'm still a bit emotional. Do I really have to continue answering his calls? I just keep making a fool of myself, and I'm afraid the situation much worse. Everytime he talks about the divorce it's like it passes past my senses, and the word scares me. I just told him it was becoming harder and harder to handle. (I know I shouldn't have said that.) *facepalm* Ugh, and I feel like sometimes we have no hope. Because we've only been married for a couple years, and together for about four. I feel like to him it wouldn't be anything. I feel like people on this site have been married much longer and have much more history than we ever had. I just feel like I keep ruining it, and that if I talk to him I'll just continue ruining it. That month of NC was peaceful. Sure, I missed him. But, knowing I didn't have to deal with the divorce situation for even a little bit was nice. Even if it meant being by myself.
