Good for you, so glad you are feeling better. What happened with the dissolution paperwork your H emailed and asked you to sign?
I know on the forum its usually suggested to go ahead and sign so the WAS doesn't feel more angry/trapped and to validate their feelings...so I am curious to know what you decided to do?
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Hello everyone. Hi Mimi, I never signed because he never brought it up again. Which, leads me to today's discussion, I think I royally screwed up.
So, I need help. I haven't spoke to H for over a month, the longest we have gone out of contact, and he suddenly sends me a text asking me how I am, and saying we need to talk. This is where I think I screwed up because I didn't expect him to call me immediately afterwards and initiate a conversation. I just thought in my head I shouldn't act overly excited or come on as needy. So I think I pushed him too far away. Here's how the convo went:
H: So, um how are you? Me: Good. H: Yeah, it's been a month since we spoke. How are you you? Me: You already asked me that, I'm good. H: So anyway, it's been over a month, and I just wanted to see where we are....(awkward silence) Me: Oh, (playing dumb), I thought you already filed for divorce. H: No, not yet....(awkward silence) Me: Ok, well if that's what you still want just let me know when to sign it. (Wishing I didn't say this.) H: So ok, if that's what you want I can bring the papers over to sign. Me: Ok. H: Ok. Me: Well I've got to go. Good-bye. H: Bye.
So, one of two things are possible. Either I'm over thinking it and he really still wanted the divorce and nothing I said would have mattered. Or, he was feeling me out and I just confirmed that a divorce was the right way to go. (D'oh!)
Ok so I don't want to text him and try to make clear what I want and make a bigger mess of things. Please tell what to do forum. Should I just wait for him to bring the divorce papers over, or, do I say something?
I don't think you should just sign his paperwork - maybe I missed something, but have you had an attorney review?
It is weird that he said, "If that's what YOU want, I can bring the papers over to sign." If he does show up with them, just say you hadn't had a chance to really think it through, and you'd like to have them reviewed by a L?
Sorry, I didn't add all the details of the conversation. He was referring to if I wanted to do a quick summary dissolution or to do a regular divorce in which we can discuss alimony or what not. He doesn't have the papers actually drawn up yet. Originally we agreed on a summary dissolution, but now he's acting like we never agreed on anything and the question of divorce is a new topic. Summary dissolution would benefit him more than anybody as he makes way more money than I do, and, he's been the supporting spouse throughout the entire marriage.
Sadly, I can't afford a lawyer right now. It's kind of a catch-22. I need money to fight for alimony, yet I don't have money because I have no alimony. In the end, I think I decided if he really wants a divorce let's just make this simple on both of us. I rather be more independent anyway. I think it's a good harsh reality lesson on my part.
H: So, um how are you? Me: Good. H: Yeah, it's been a month since we spoke. How are you you? Me: You already asked me that, I'm good thanks for asking. H: So anyway, it's been over a month, and I just wanted to see where we are....(awkward silence) Me: Oh, I've been busy doing XXX (playing dumb), I thought you already filed for divorce. H: No, not yet....(awkward silence) Me: Ok, well if that's what you still want just let me know when to sign it. (Wishing I didn't say this.) H: So ok, if that's what you want I can bring the papers over to sign. IT is not what I want (if that is true for you) Me: Ok. H: Ok. Me: Well I've got to go. Good-bye. Good H: Bye.
Just don't bring it up again and if he does you can always say "can I get back to you on that" if you don't have an answer or are uneasy.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thanks jp787 for the input as well. I wish there was a rewind button so I could redo this. I like your suggestions much better than my original conversation. In hindsight, I did feel like I came off as a bit negative. I was mainly tired from the previous night, but I have to at least try to sound positive! I will apply your suggestions for future conversations with him!
Lost - if it helps my W filed divorce on 8/19, stating we were done, it was over, so on and so on. We finally went to court 10/7, and they scheduled a review 12/16, over two months later, and over four months after filing.
She is now dismissing the divorce. Don't let paperwork paralyze you.
Lost I am like you when my H calls...I get nervous and frazzled when the D is brought up and I am totally not as smooth and in control as others, so don't feel bad. You recieved some great advice for next time. It also may help to think about certain topics and how you will respond before hand so you are ready when they do come up.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Ok so I don't want to text him and try to make clear what I want and make a bigger mess of things. Please tell what to do forum. Should I just wait for him to bring the divorce papers over, or, do I say something?
I would wait for him to bring the papers over and have a face-to-face with him. I agree with you that it seemed like he was fishing around to see if maybe you would suggest not proceeding with D. Perhaps he doesn't want to. Now that may not mean he wants to reconcile, but maybe he's not so sure now that D is the answer. Assuming you don't want D, then when you talk to him just tell him you're OK with postponing it if he wants to. No pressure for reconciling, just say that maybe you both need more time to think. If the convo goes well then you might mention you'd be open to dating in the future and leave the rest up to him.
Oh boy, facepalming hard time. So I back slid, kind of?
H called once again doing the weird awkward silence thing. I tried to sound all peppy and then I don't know what the hell happened. I just started crying. OMG, I could not control myself. I feel like such an idiot! He was trying to comfort me, and I was trying to sound ok despite crying. He was mentioning the divorce thing again but said it was going to take a long time and what's the rush......then what he said next was a total WTF.....he told me I was the one who wanted the divorce in the first place and that he didn't want to file for it because I was always changing my mind. However, he said we were for sure getting a divorce. So in his mind, I somehow initiated the divorce? He has rewrote history. Sorry if I sound upset, this was in the last hour so I'm still a bit emotional. Do I really have to continue answering his calls? I just keep making a fool of myself, and I'm afraid the situation much worse. Everytime he talks about the divorce it's like it passes past my senses, and the word scares me. I just told him it was becoming harder and harder to handle. (I know I shouldn't have said that.) *facepalm* Ugh, and I feel like sometimes we have no hope. Because we've only been married for a couple years, and together for about four. I feel like to him it wouldn't be anything. I feel like people on this site have been married much longer and have much more history than we ever had. I just feel like I keep ruining it, and that if I talk to him I'll just continue ruining it. That month of NC was peaceful. Sure, I missed him. But, knowing I didn't have to deal with the divorce situation for even a little bit was nice. Even if it meant being by myself.
