How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Ambivalent]

SSMguy,

I believe he is experimenting with other women or a woman to date...Found Viagra and four tablets have been used, he also has a tablet splitter. He has bought someone some lingerie, faux fur jacket and a pantsuit. I believe for some role playing.

So you can understand the temptation of hooking up with someone who would make me feel that my sexuality was a wonderful thing to be celebrated.

I actually do! I feel devastated that I hurt him so much. It eats at me daily. I never realized what sex was to him.

I get that, and the thing I was trying to say above is that that response from a woman would make me feel hesitant about my sexuality too.

I believe he felt judged and shame for things that he may have wanted to do with me. I was just so embarrassed to talk about sex, let alone explore other aspects of it.

I am somewhat in that category with my wife too, but only because I have this feeling in my mind that my wife does not want me. When a woman has repeatedly sexually rejected you, the attraction is kind of shut down because of the negative conditioning, even though I can see that she's visually attractive.

This is EXACTLY where he is! It scares the Hell out of me, because I know he is experimenting out there and if he sees me as a mommy figure or "good" girl, then those feelings may not return. Add to that he has ED and depression, those affect desire as well.

I am devastated that I have contributed to the feelings of rejection in my husband. I have learned SO much, about desire, sex, how to's, myself/body.

The difficult part is him trusting . I know he is feeling as if I don't want or need him sexually. He could never bring me to a C. orgasm, only a vibrator could. So I believe that is also a factor.

I wish I could tell him that I actually managed to do it all by myself for the first time, without a vibrator! It was actually rather freeing , for I know if having sex with my husband ,that I can touch myself and should succeed. I never thought I could touch myself during sex. GOD this is so depressing...I'm 53 and JUST figuring out this crap!

Now when we had dinner the other night, I did flirt a bit and he laughed and joked back. Unfortunately he believes that he doesn't want to be like Pavlov's dog, I ring the bell and he comes running. I've done MAJOR damage, and honestly don't know if I will ever be able to rectify it.

You know I was doing well 'til I started writing about this, I'm sobbing now, for I feel like I destroyed a person who was so accepting of me, and I really had no clue.

I tried earlier in our marriage, and he said it felt contrived. I got shut down, and then felt even more awkward.

I don't know what I could do to get past this or even stimulate sexual interest in me.

Back in the beginning of BD, he did talk about dressing sexier, which I have. Now remember my age, and what I do is wear tight slacks ( flatteringly tight ), more form fitting tops, and even some cleavage.

I wear thongs and sexy bras to help ME feel sexy. It really helps with the attitude. I have started drinking, but since I wasn't a drinker prior, I get tipsy too easy. Also, I have to be careful due to a medication, so I don't get too inebriated.

I don't believe that would be attractive. Now months back, I did let him know that for some strange reason, my libido was off the charts. I even wrote two provocative/erotic short stories.

He was kind but made it clear, he had no desire. Now it was within two months of bomb drop and he was in the anger/resentment stage.

It is really a conundrum, for he wanted me to initiate. He has stated several times he has no desire for me...I don't know if this is true, for he professes it a bit too much, or if it isn't true. That he doesn't want to have sex because it could "lead me on" or be taking advantage.

Also, if he is seeing just one individual, the guilt can play a major factor here. I can't be nearly as titillating as a new person, especially someone who is more sexually practiced than I.

Right now I'm focused on just being someone he can feel at ease around, someone that brings feelings of comfort and listens to him.

I don't know what else I can do. Unfortunately with my weight loss , my boobs are shrinking. So the cleavage that I had is harder to achieve! (:o HA!