Yes, I'm still here. My post didn't show up right away, so I didn't know people were replying.
My backstory - Married 12 years, known 14. Three kids 11,9,8. I'm 44, my wife just turned 40. The first ten years are marriage was pretty stable and good. Of course we had ups/downs, but nothing serious. My wife was a stay at home mom until the kids all started grade school. She worked part time at first at a jewelry store. No problem with that. The extra money was nice, and she had more of a social life with co-workers. Then 2 years ago, she wanted to get her real estate license to sell residential real estate. I've been in commercial real estate for 20+ years. I had reservations about her doing this because residential real estate involves meeting clients when they are not working (so after work at night and weekends). Nevertheless, I still supported her desire do it. So I helped her study, even got her a position to work/train with a friend at his real estate company. So fast forward a couple years, she is doing great, sold like 10 properties this year. Only problem is I feel she is neglecting the kids and I. She goes out 2-3 week to network/meeting clients. I put up with it at first. But then about a year ago I write a letter to her letting her know how I feel. She responds saying she appreciates my support, and sorry for neglecting the kids and I. But the new job just takes up time/energy. We both hope that once she settles in, she will not be as busy. It never happens though, the market here in Honolulu heats up, she gets even more busy. Around July I notice changes in her. Nicer clothes, starts getting interested in golf, running. And she is going out 3-4 times a week now. I take her to lunch to discuss the same issue as I wrote her about a year before. But nothing changes again. She becomes more distant. We have sex less frequently and she doesn't seem into it. She starts coming home much later than before. I ask her if she is having an affair. She laughingly denies it. "How can I have an affair with this body after 3 kids" she says. But the truth is she is in better shape than ever. She's an active tennis player and people think she is under 30 on the court. I believe her about not having an affair. She was a straight arrow and conservative. And I really trusted her.
In August she went out with friends on my birthday. In late August I really felt something was wrong. I googled, "signs your spouse is cheating on you" I could check out half of the signs on the list. I did something I never did before, I checked her personal email account. And I found a string of emails that could not be mistaken for just a friend. I immediately confronted her about it. She admitted that she met a guy who owns a magazine company that she advertiser . And that they just had a good time with each other a dinner, going for drinks. She denies any sexual contact. She said she had no thoughts of divorcing me. But that our marriage had become stale, not fun for her the last couple years. I asked why she did not try to discuss this with me. She said she tried to but I did not listen or hear her. Maybe but I asked why she didn't bring it up when I gave her the letter and took her to lunch about my own feelings of neglect. She didn't have an answer. I was still devasteed, shocked even though it was an EA. I asked her to end the relationship. She said she needs time to do that. I found out the OM reserved a hotel room two days after Dday. And they consumated their EA into a PA. When I found this out, I got very angry. I started packing my bags to leave. But somehow my wife calmed me down and convinced me to stay. And saying she would end the affair.
But for the next several weeks she was very reluctant to discuss anything about the affair. The only way I could get her to talk was by getting really angry or threatening to leave the house. I found out she got a second cell phone. We go to MC a few times. The MC suggested she take some time away because our situation at home was very stressful for both of us (probably because of my anger). She took a week off by getting vacation rental. And when she came back she said the OM didn't matter. But that she didn't think we could work things out because I got so angry and kept snooping on her. This seems like shifting the blame on my, and making herself the victim. She never showed any remorse or even any empathy for what I was going through. I figured that was the end of our marriage and she would divorce me. But later we talked some more and she wanted more time to think about what to do. I said ok, I'll agree to more time if she agrees to NC with the OM. She said okay.
The OM is about my age, has a wife and two kids 12 & 8. I sent a letter to his wife. But she didn't respond until right after my wife came back from here 1 week separation. I know she received the letter because my wife told me that the OM told her. So I know my wife broke her promise of NC with the OM. I also find out she gets another laptop which she tried to hide from me (she even told my daughter 8, not to tell Daddy about it) The OM's wife and I decide to meet secretly. I showed her proof that the affair was real (emails). She tells me her marriage has been bad for several years and her husband comes home everynight after 11pm, not just the last couple months, but for 3-4 years. He spends no time with her or their kids. So the affair was the last straw for her. She plans on getting a divorce. She is way more certain and confidant than me. She tells me her husband also wants a divorce. But recently she thinks he is having second thoughts. The OM's is a avid golfer, runs marathons, likes to make money. This is the same stuff my wife has gotten interested the last few months. But the guys seems like a jerk to his family.
My wife refuses to be transparent. I accuse her of still seeing the OM which she denies. But she still has to 2nd cell phone, the 2nd laptop, still goes out 2-3 nights a week and doesnt come home till 11pm-12mid. I am reasonably sure the affair is still going on.
Because I get angry when I try to talk with my wife. I start sending letters. I send several and finally she responds saying that she doesn't know what to do. She cares about the kids and what's best for them. But she is not sure she can love me again like before. She doesn't say hardly anything about the situation with the OM. Most of the letter blames me for not making a happy marriage, wanting too much sex, and overreacting in a repulsive way to the affair. My last letter I say I agree our marriage had problems, and what mistakes I made I am willing to try and fix. But I can't stand waiting for her when the affair is still ongoing. So I have to leave the situation. So I filed for divorce. She was served on Halloween. She has not said anything about getting served. She did hire an attorney. The have until 11/20 to respond to the Divorce complaint.
Around the time I filed, I discovered this website. I got the other book Divorce Busting, but not Divorce Remedy. And I can tell I really screwed up from the beginning when I found out about the affair. I wish I found this website first. So after getting DB and reading alot of this website, I changed my plan. I stopped talking about our marriage, the affair, trying to reconcile. I stopped showing anger. And I stopped pressuring my wife. I basically am just trying to be the nice guy that I was before I found out about the affair. Not overly nice. Just polite and courteous to my wife. We still sleep in separate bedrooms. But we talk about regular things, the kids, work. We eat dinner as a family when she is home. She still goes out 2-3 times a week. Some of it is probably legitimate work related stuff, but I always supspects she meets the OM afterwards which is why she comes home so late. But my wife is in a much better mood than before. She even watches TV with me in the bedroom I sleep in. This morning I gave her a quick hug, she didn't pull away like she has done recenlty. I don't know what she is really thinking though. Maybe this is what she wants, ie no hassles/pressure/anger from me, almost normal family life, but she still gets to see the OM a few times a week. Im I letting her cake eat? On the other hand she knows I filed for D and the time is ticking away. We have not discussed that. I feel like I should have waited longer. But I really can't stand being like this. Inside I still feel horrible, anger, jealousy, sadness. I'm faking contentment on the outside for my wife.
So what do I do now? If I dismiss the divorce complaint, wont she think I was just bluffing?. I bluffed before about leaving, filing for D (all mistakes I know). If I back down now, won't she know I'm not really serious and she can just do whatever she wants because she thinks I'll wait for her. For all I know, she might be waiting to see what the OM does. His wife it planning to Divorce soon. I don't want to wait around as Plan B for my wife. My true desire is to at least try and reconcile.
Sorry for the long post. Any advice is appreciated.
