@planet - I think she did along the way. She told me many times I was being the "best husband ever" - even though I honestly had zero feelings for her. However, she had extenuating circumstances. She was molested by an uncle and sister for 4-5 years and I don't think she ever got over it until about a year after we were divorced.
W told me OM texted her today because he needed to get his grill that he brought over one time for a cookout several weeks ago. It's sort of funny, she won't even say his name anymore if she ever mentions him. She calls him "whats-his-face" or "the guy". She told me she said him not to knock, just to grab it and go.
I'm definitely having a case of the post-R blues. I wonder if this is how runners feel after they finish a race they've been training for!
The honesty is very important, being open about everything
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I think the LBS initially doesn't realize the pain the WAS was feeling in the M. The pain they feel (real or not) is excruciating... so much so that they took a huge gamble to throw it all way and make a drastic move of leaving. I'm not saying that LBS is always right and the WAS is wrong, both contribute to the failure of a marriage. Usually the LBS is stunned and clueless that the WAS felt bad enough to leave so they want to blame it on some type of mental illness. And it's that exact complacency of the LBS that probably contributed to the failure of the marriage.
Sorry, Jon, I don't mean to hijack your thread. Just wanted to thank NTXD for this piece of wisdom - it's something I need to keep reminding myself of whenever I feel angry and hurt about how he seemingly has this grand life now while I struggle at home alone. I was definitely complacent and thought when he would complain about things that he was just being dramatic. Maybe to me, it was dramatic (as in I wouldn't have been so upset about things), but to HIM it wasn't. I didn't do a good job of validating or understanding his feelings in our M. Gotta do that now.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I'm definitely having a case of the post-R blues. I wonder if this is how runners feel after they finish a race they've been training for!
I was a runner for many years, you don't look back you immediately jump right into preparing for the next race. And Jon, you've got a lot of races ahead So start prepping!
Thanks, everyone, been quiet. I'm super busy at work; have stopped by to see W a couple times.
Since almost two weeks ago, she has been consistently the same. Very connected, texts me all the time to tell me she loves me; talks about how unbelievably disgusted she is with her self. As I said, won't mention OM by name, and almost seems revolted by him. Honestly, when it comes to contentious stuff, she is patient, and gracious, and asks me to take a deep breath, and just talk to her about my feelings. It's extremely weird.
From conversations, I've gleaned it is definitely as I suspected - W had no attraction to OM other than he was representative of a life that had no baggage or issues.
W had a fling with someone that she wasn't attracted to emotionally or physically. And I know looks aren't that important and many OPs tend to be much less attractive than the WAS. However, he is not just unattractive, he is VERY unattractive, 75 pounds over weight, sloppy, smelly - the exact opposite of W. W said his daughter just about drove her out of her mind because she was a horrible brat and OM just let her run around and break stuff, and she could barely stand to be around her.
I need some advice: if W would let herself sink that low, and all of a sudden have a wake-up call, and now be so unbelievably committed to me, can she even know what love is?
She said if she even thinks about OM it makes her physically sick to her stomach. So, if she was so messed up that she would connect in any way with a disgusting person, how can she possibly even know what it means to be in a loving, committed relationship?
Am I being impatient, or just bothered by the A itself, and need to work through it?
When people feel overwhelmed with stuff, it has more to do with your thoughts about a situation than the situation itself. When you take control of your thoughts in this situation, it makes things better. Remember you make your own decisions. You decide what your priorities are. You choose what you work on.
Thanks, everyone, been quiet. I'm super busy at work; have stopped by to see W a couple times.
Since almost two weeks ago, she has been consistently the same. Very connected, texts me all the time to tell me she loves me; talks about how unbelievably disgusted she is with her self. As I said, won't mention OM by name, and almost seems revolted by him. Honestly, when it comes to contentious stuff, she is patient, and gracious, and asks me to take a deep breath, and just talk to her about my feelings. It's extremely weird.
JonF,
Your sitch is very encouraging! I would like to encourage you as well, to stay patient and cautious. Not to the point where you seem suspicious and give her a vibe that you feel she is being disingenuous, just an approach that reflects that this reconciliation is a job worth doing. And if there's a job worth doing, it's worth doing right, and it's worth doing right the FIRST TIME.
I have not gone through what you are experiencing right now, so take this for what it's worth. Your W seems to be overcompensating for her transgressions in order to gain your trust and favor. She feels she has done wrong and she is adamantly working to regain your trust. The only problem is, trust is built back over time, and her over-zealousness may cause her to burn out too quickly.
She is quick to put herself down and maybe this is her way of feeling a sense of security by hearing you say you believe her AND believe IN her. So reassure her that you're in this with her too. Assure her that your goals are her goals. Set her mind at ease.
But explain to her why you want to take it slow and be careful. Tell her it's worth doing right the first time, and that your cautiousness is not because you don't trust her, it's because this is just so important to you.
Take the lead, and lead out of love.
Originally Posted By: JonF
From conversations, I've gleaned it is definitely as I suspected - W had no attraction to OM other than he was representative of a life that had no baggage or issues.
W had a fling with someone that she wasn't attracted to emotionally or physically. And I know looks aren't that important and many OPs tend to be much less attractive than the WAS. However, he is not just unattractive, he is VERY unattractive, 75 pounds over weight, sloppy, smelly - the exact opposite of W. W said his daughter just about drove her out of her mind because she was a horrible brat and OM just let her run around and break stuff, and she could barely stand to be around her.
I need some advice: if W would let herself sink that low, and all of a sudden have a wake-up call, and now be so unbelievably committed to me, can she even know what love is?
She said if she even thinks about OM it makes her physically sick to her stomach. So, if she was so messed up that she would connect in any way with a disgusting person, how can she possibly even know what it means to be in a loving, committed relationship?
Am I being impatient, or just bothered by the A itself, and need to work through it?
Yes.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
