thanks fornote. i know, detachment - oh yoooo hoooo - where are youuuuuuu.....
if only i could totally feel detached and not care. best i can achieve is to keep busy which keeps me thinking about other stuff - not my life. i think if i could be TOTALLY detached - i could probably walk away and be done with it all. wouldn't you think? i mean- if i just do not care- i don't get why i'd be here still in his life.
idk- i do get off the ttrail and mixed up here about this stuff alot of the time. as usual- i keep thinking it';s one thing or anotehr. i shouldn't be standing if i can't forgive and love- yet i'm not sure. i shouldn't be leaving if i care enough to be enduring this crappola - it's hard and it's bad on the nerves & body even. just bad bad bad.
i do not know-mostly, i'd say, what the heck i'm doing here. i agree tyhat having been part of each other's lives for practically my whole adult life- has made it seem soooo "not right" to end it all. idk tho, perhaps he has just morphed into a real lying pos and rthere's no goin back that's my fear- that i'm not seeing what is there in front of me.
i mean, if i could be soo blind for sooo long- and still find myself wanting to find a reason, make an excues - a justification- BUT THERE ISN'T ONE. NOT REALLY- it's facing the truth of him that's such a drag.
i wonder really what the heck the "fond" thing is. i don't want to just be buddies. i would think i could be a great companion and life/compaion for someone. i hate to think i will just "setle" for this- a stinking tiny morsel of a life - with someone one week out of four- it's a very very poor deal- don't ya think/??
im just tired and bummed out lately. last few days - when i even think of seeing him i'm angry that i'm just an f'ing afterthought to his life. i just can'tput a good face on his behavior adn treatment of me. i know it could be tons worse, he could chuck meout the door and i'd be strugglin to make ends meet-
on the other hand- what an arrogant $hit- relegating me to this stinking bit of his life. i'm not liking it- not a darn thing to be done tho, is there?? if ya db- then all i have got going for me is to stfu- act as if, have some pma dna gal and all that goop. it's soooounsatisfying after all this time-
i just want SOMETHING BIG. - SOMETHING DEFINITIVE - SOMETHING.....I AM sooooo tired of making myself satisfied with crumbs & being second,third, fourth stinkin fidle -
oh well huh????? frustrated rantings- idk about the shoving it down stuff. one has to? don't we??? i mean- what do you call it when you'd like to scream at the top of yuour lungs at someone stupid & dense & dumping on your head - NAD THEN YOU DON'T. YOU JUST MAINTAIN YOUR COOL AND WALK AWAY OR ACT AS IF- BUT WHERE DOES IT GO? IN ANYONE-??? I'M SAYIN - we shove it away - down, whatever. mere words..... we juist don't go there. that is the "deal" with this whole stinkin mess - if we're tryin to stand or db-
soooo- just gave myself a huge hot flash- sheesh...
too much "involvement" & emotion running around in there.
i wish i could be all cold and detached and contained and so on - and really really BE IT.
