This is clearly not a deal breaker for me Mach. I'm just a little incredulous that she would be irresponsible to this depth. She told me during one actually productive R talk a while back that she didn't want any responsibility and she felt trapped by it all. I guess I should have jumped this situation a lot sooner. Just something else to wrap my head around, take control if, and stand on my own 2 feet about.
I will accept my own responsibility in allowing this to happen. She has always taken the lead in our finances and I was just fine with being basically out of it.
It does hurt to know that it's one more thing that I've been lied to about. I know her issues are not about me, but this could ruin me. My bruised ego and broken heart and all that other stuff will heal. My financial report after bankruptcy isn't quite as resilient.
Okay, so work with a new perspective here....
Perhaps, as some wise lady said in a book one time...
Do a 180 ???
Yea, accept your role, and you are only honoring her wishes.....right ???
You wanted to alleviate her responsibility.....
THAT is all that you HAVE to say....
Let her wonder about the rest for now...
And let me ask you one more thing...
Would you trade your financial report, for your marriage ???
Dam right I would trade it for my M. Why is it you always have a knack for making it so deep, but so simple. I've been reading too many posts and sitches. I need to go back to the source. Thanks for to perspective.
After reminding me to take off my Superdad cape yesterday, you are 2 for 2 this week. Thank you, sir.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
My financial report after bankruptcy isn't quite as resilient.
In addition to the "trade" question from Mach, I will tell you that bankruptcy is completely recoverable from. We had to do it 16 years ago. Our FICO is excellent now. All depends on what you do afterwards, with learning about money, doing the needful, being responsible to your R with money, learning the differences between "need" and "want", etc.
Don't stress, or judge, worry if you get there, not before. Know that it can be okay.
Business does it all the time..it's just a business decision.
If you can stop the bleeding now, good, do it.
My W didn't like it, at all, at the time. Another reason to leave. Another reason she hated me.
She's still here, and back pretty much to her frugal self.
I still manage the money, for the present.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Are you advocating he doesn't address this or that he tones it down and gets ahold of himself first? To me, there is a big difference between the "I'm going to act like a child and pretend bills don't need to get paid" and opening up two credit cards in his name. If she opened up more in her name and didn't pay them, that would still be irresponsible, but this is different.
My two cents is that you take all the precautions recommended above, and add one by calling the three credit bureaus and requesting you receive a fraud detection call anytime someone tries to open up new credit in your name (a good practice all the time, even when not dealing with an MLCer). Once you do those things, she is going to find out you know anyway, so why not calmly talk to her and let her know this is not acceptable to you? Unless you won't be able to talk calmly I guess, but I am struggling with this being a GAL 180 situation?
Sorry if I confused the advice JFun, these guys are really good, I am just struggling with this one.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
My post was only to try to help put the fear/pride of BK/FICO/etc thing into perspective. That it is not the end of the world, it is survivable. And W being angry over what he does to protect his kids doesn't mean the M or chances of R is summarily doomed.
I agree with all the rest.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Ouch! Just had the most draining R talk in a long time. W initiated everything. So much venom and spew that I'm still dizzy. Started out with a question about the house payment. I calmly told here that I just set it up to be drafted from this point forward. Turned into finger pointing at me and "It's not easy" statements. I validated like crazy and accepted my responsibility for putting it on her for many years.
Hard for me to keep up with everything that just happened. Just trying to list it all so that I won't forget:
She said: -I don't even know who you are anymore. -Other people have commented about how happy and friendly you are. -Its all a big F-ing show. -You never wanted to go to church or Sunday school before. -I have no connection to you. Physical or emotional. -Our son needs counseling because of what he's heard -You have no idea what you've done to him. S12 -I can't live like this anymore. -It's a little too late to change. -You've done a 360 in everything, people don't just change like that. -I'm not leaving this house. -I'll leave and the children will go with me, because they will choose me. -The kids even see that you are different. -You're not even the person I met 20 years ago. -I didn't mind being a single mother, I don't mind doing for my kids. -You've never cared before, why now. -I know you said this was like a bomb dropped on you, but people don't just change. -It's just because you are medicated. If you think it's not, you're crazy. -You're big mouth has hurt your son in ways you don't understand. -It's no wonder I went for an emotional affair. You've never been there for me emotionally. -S12 said there's no way I could have a boyfriend, because your always with us -What do you want me to do? About 10 times -You've said you want me to try. I don't want to. How are you supposed to get back something that took 10 years to go away.
There's more. I'm frigging exhausted. Gotta regroup.
I validated, kept eye contact, repeated what she said multiple times, asked for clarification, practiced all my new communication skills. I stood firm and confident in front of her as she gave it all to me. I watched her eyes try to search for some reaction that she expected from me. I love her so much. She went from one attack to the next like it was pulling out different weapons to see what would work. She did 95% of the talking. I only spoke when asked to and when I needed to validate. I did get her to try understand that my changes were things that I identified about myself that I didn't like. That I understood why she would have a hard time understanding or believing in me.
I'm tired
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Just finished having a good cry with S12. I tried to reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere and that all I wanted in life was to be here with him, his brother and his mother. I told him I was sorry he had had to listen to us fight. I hugged him, we cried. He told me he liked me being around more and was afraid I was going to leave.
He's a smart kid and I love him and his brother more than I love myself or any other being on this planet. I can detach from W and her actions, but the emotions, well being, and stability of my boys will be paramount in my existence.
I haven't cried in months. Holding my 12 year old while he cried broke my heart. Now we are sitting here watching college bball and talking about regular silly stuff.
I am emotionally fried right now.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
OH JFun I'm so so sorry you had to go through that with S12 within ear shot......your poor boy. I'm sure he is in a better place because dad had him and reassured him. You did so, so great dad!
As to the conversation with your wife....WOW. I guess she's been needing to get that out for a while and you handled it like a champ. DBing at it's best! She has to lash out at you to validate her feelings. You proved her wrong which set her off more, for now, but it'll give her food for thought as her process continues.
You're probably exhausted....have a good night and take care.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
