Hey SemperFi00, sorry you find yourself here again.
You are doing a great job with yourself and kids! Unfortunately there is not much you can do about your W feelings. Your traits of loyalty, commitment, family are very noble ones and they are yours not hers. Sounds like she is in a very thick fog or even depressed. There is no way she never loved you in your 22 years together.
Its been a long ride for you, hang in there bud!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Thanks for the comments labug, Maritimer, PM and SIAS, appreciate you taking the time for that.
Also forgot to mention that on Sunday (Corps bd) grabbed a bottle and a couple of shot glasses and went to a neighbor’s house for a quick toast. We had been saying for a few years that we needed to do it and neither of us took the initiative until this year. We chatted for about 30 mins and agreed that next year we should do it again somewhere. He and his W seemed appreciative that I came over.
Will try to provide a bit more of an update later……..
Semper Fi!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Forgot to mention something that I would love to get some insight on from folks here………
In conversation last Tues, W also stated that after adoption of nephew is finalized “I know what comes next.”
When I asked what that meant she stated she would be filing for D after that process is completed. I kind of suspected that she may be thinking this but this is the first time she has verbalized it……. Not sure exactly what this means but I guess it provides a little more context in why she has been pushing for this more lately…….
Bit of background for those who may not be aware – S8 is actually nephew and has lived with us since he was 2. My brother and ex had him young and were too selfish to have child – went to stay with my parents for a few months and then on to us. Temporarily at first but after about a year we assumed would be longer Also, neither birth parent will contest the adoption.
Talked to L a while back and he termed this situation as “interesting” in the context of what W may be planning. Obviously if adoption is completed first he would be treated as 1 of 3 Ss for custody, child support, etc….. If not formally adopted, very murky how it would be handled given how long he has already been with us and no real support/interaction from bio parents…
Seems like adoption is right thing to do (for him) but have questions about what it may mean for him emotionally in the future, what to tell guardian ad-lietem during process, what to share in court, etc….
Thoughts or insights from anyone here – more of an outsider’s view of situation?
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Also should have mentioned that we have a court date for the adoption on 11/27 - having not been through the process before I am not sure if it will the only one of the first of many.....
And S8 has been diagnosed with apraxia which causes him to need some additional help when learning new tasks, skills, etc....
I know that the conventional wisdom on the board is not to assist with D proceedings (not to resist either - just staying as neutral as possible) - any experiences or thoughts around using the same techniques for adoptions?
Arghhhhh......... this really stinks at times!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I'm still confused as to why you think, or seem to think the adoption is a negative?
Tell us your thoughts, you really don't share those much. You ask lots of questions and seek input, which is good but what are you thinking? Are you angry that she wants to adopt this boy who she's raised for 6 years?
What is your true concern here?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Good questions labug. Need some time to reflect and then will post back. Thanks for the ?s though - appreciate that.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
In conversation last Tues, W also stated that after adoption of nephew is finalized “I know what comes next.”
When I asked what that meant she stated she would be filing for D after that process is completed.
If it's her intent to file for D, then why is she letting the adoption proceed? Does she want partial custody of him? It just seems like that adds an extra layer of complexity to the D.
AS thanks for the comments. W hasn't directly stated ^^^^^ but I feel relatively certain that is why she wants the adoption to take place 1st. She and S8 are close - as most young children are with their mothers - and I would guess that she wants to make sure that she has partial custody of him.
labug, have thought a great deal about your questions above and here are some of the thoughts rattling around my head right now:
- It is the right thing to do to formally adopt my nephew. His birth parents are not fighting it and we are really the only family he knows at this point. - From a legal perspective, if W ends up filing for D it adds one more child to "legally" provide for, complexity to proceedings, etc.... - From a "moral" perspective it changes little, we are already (and have been) providing for him with no support from birth parents - My sense is that children are best developed by being in an intact loving family that provides lots of support. Historically W has agreed/said same things but in the current situation has changed her story on that a bit. - At some point will S8 have questions/struggle with feelings and trying to understand why he had two families he was a part of that couldn't stay together, etc.... - I am not sure what to say to the guardian ad lietum when she does the family interview and home study - How do we approach getting him baptized after the adoption in the context of our current situation
I am not so much angry that W wants to adopt who we have raised for 6 years, if anything I may be a bit angry (and hurt) about the overall situation and how selfish W is acting right now.
And her current unwillingness to do things that could result in some sort of reconciliation..... Just seems that currently she is acting and viewing things through a very selfish lens......
Wow - seems like writing this all out maybe has helped a bit....
I'll stop now for a few minutes to reflect and see what thoughts/comments/insight I get from everyone here.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
