For starters, YOU do what YOU need to do, to protect yourself financially.
This is a separation of the marriage, between the emotional side, and the legal side of things.
Find out the carrier of the Credit cards, and call the company and explain that you did not sign for them, and that your estranged spouse did. Tell them to cut the card off at the point that it is now. And no further charges will be added to the card.
Change the address on the billing part, to a secure location, so that you know if anything further has been charged. Also request a copy of the signature, so that you have that if this escalates any further.
Don't look at what has been charged, just file this away for your own protection.
Open an account for yourself, and contact the loan department for any outstanding amounts. Also contact your utility accounts for any outstanding balances. Let them know what you are going through and that you would like to re-secure your accounts under a new user name and password.
Keep in mind, that NONE of this is to alienate her, it is being done to protect yourself....
Stop thinking about the whys of this for now. None of it matters if you are financially ruined. Don't think that this one thing will "end" the marriage. Cause it is already over (like we discussed).
As far as dealing with her ???
I think you need to think about this for a while before you feel the need to address this...
Think it through....
She doesn't need to have an answer from you today, or tomorrow, or even next week...
Worried about not addressing it. Have handled the 2 credit cards. Both were small balances that can be handled in a short time. (Around $1000 total) Only reason I found these was that the original company had been bought out and they shipped new cards. these cards haven't even been activated, but the previous balances are there. Cancelled an automate shipment of protein supplement shakes that are rotting in our cabinet. She has never used them, yet they keep coming every month. $30 a month.
The more I dig today, the more depressed and angry I get. Signed up for online banking and it doesn't look like she's done anything crazy from our checking account, but doesn't reconcile why she has another account out there that she is obviously funneling money into.
We don't make a lot of money, but dang, we can keep up with the basic bills. All the while, she is spending money on hair color, anti aging skin cream, new outfits, body wraps, etc. Since I've lost weight, I've bought clothes to fit me at Goodwill and other discount stores. I'm no fashion plate. A suitable pair of khakis or jeans and a button up shirt will get me through most everything.
Just found a medical bill for almost $500 unpaid since May. along with the power bill that looks to be 2 months behind. Just keeps getting worse.
A couple of years ago, I found out about a payday loan that she had taken out. The turds at the agency wouldn't even give me info about it, because it was solely in her name. They even agreed that if she died tomorrow, it would be my debt to pay, but wouldn't give me any info. I had to confront her about that.
My taking over the financial goings on will be intruding on more of her territory. There is liable to be venom and spew, but I can't afford for it to continue. I almost opened up my own account while at the bank this morning. Looks like I should go ahead and do that.
Not sure when I'll be ready to address this with her. I know she's gonna question me about it when she sees online payments that I've arranged to keep things paid.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Not sure when I'll be ready to address this with her. I know she's gonna question me about it when she sees online payments that I've arranged to keep things paid.
Mach-Removing her from the equation=taking care of myself and my sons. Easy answer. I am doing this simply for that reason. How she reacts is irrelevant.
True grittier-The anger is coming from my disbelief at how irresponsible she's been when it comes to house, car, insurance, etc. These are things that our children need. If she let the cable bill lapse because she hates paying so much for TV, OK. Not the car that she drives the kids to school in every day or the house we are all so attached to. These things are nonnegotiable. I am past her loving me and ever falling in love with me. I'm just appalled at how much she has seemingly checked out on all responsibility and life in general.
I seek advice because I know folks here have been there and done that. I also see this as a potential explosion. How do I ask her about having an account with someone else's name attached to it? That cannot end well.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
J I dug this up from my old thread it sounds like you might be ready for this just about now. I wrote it after some difficult struggles to move forward.
Here you go:
It is a sacrifice of sorts at this stage.
We are looked on as victims of bad behavior, incongruent behavior to REAL LOVE.
So in that light we begin to feel like victims or that we are being taken advantage of in a sense and are perceived as such by the world. A DOORMAT if you will.
As time goes on and those who care about us begin to be more concerned about our mental and emotional health and question more emphatically why we choose to be a DOORMAT.
Or how long will you be a DOORMAT.
Then you begin to doubt yourself and your decision and the focus goes back to your beloved and now you look on them not with eyes of a scourned lover, a left behind, abandoned spouse, but with real scrutiny.
We begin to question why we would SACRIFICE our own happiness and endure such hardship to regain the love of a person who so obviously is not capable of the same for us or even anyone else.
It is then that the MIRACLE happens.
Through all the pain and seemingly fallow soil a sprout
of green punches through...
This growth is something new and it
is OURS, we planted it, we sowed it
For it is certain our seed was trampled upon many times before
it took root.
But it did take root and
it grows, upwardly reaching, toward the light.
The miracle is the love for yourself.
You are no longer the choices your spouse makes
You are no longer whether your M reconciles or not
You are no longer the failures you see in yourself
You are no longer a victim because only YOU can choose to be one.
Then you a FREE
Free to make the choice to STAND for YOURSELF.
This I believe can only be achieved through the decision to STAND in the first place.
Only through that decision can we experience the pain involved to know completely what it means to be free.
What is means to love.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
JFun my H bounced the mortgage payment to "get my attention and because he sleeps on a cot on the floor". Ummmmmmmmm that is your kids child support and it goes directly to the roof over their head. Not one penny goes to me but he insists that I don't get one more cent until I stop having so much fun and take the process seriously and stop stalling. I haven't seen any money for my boys since the beginning of September. I work to pay as much as I can and my parents come by with groceries so we can eat. He doesn't care. He doesn't talk to me, other than two angry texts last week about a box of his stuff I gave him and how I chNged the pw on the iTunes acct, so he has no concern for anything in re to the boys. They're all irresponsible. Irrational. Erratic crazy!!!!! It's beyond any of our scope how they can so easily disconnect from their own kids, whatever don't love me, but the kids!?!?! It's hard. So hard. Do whatever you have to to protect them. Come here to vent and thin things through. I'm a newbie but there are so many wise, caring people here.....they'll guide you.
Hope it gets better for you soon jfun. I'm cheering you on.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
You know J, my xh did some horrific things to me financially. I will probably not ever recover from them.
The thing is that I am ok. Yes, I was angry and hurt that he did them. Yes, I wish with everything I have that he didnt.
But, I learned how strong I am. I learned that the things he did are separate from the love I had.
Your wife is in crisis. Now, that doesnt give her a free pass. But it does show you that the woman you knew for all those years, wouldnt do the things she is doing now.
I get the anger, the disappointment, the disbelief. I do.
So, take a little time to feel that. Then, do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Put away the judgement right now. It doesnt serve you well.
If you hold onto those feelings, you lose yourself. You stop your growth.
This is clearly not a deal breaker for me Mach. I'm just a little incredulous that she would be irresponsible to this depth. She told me during one actually productive R talk a while back that she didn't want any responsibility and she felt trapped by it all. I guess I should have jumped this situation a lot sooner. Just something else to wrap my head around, take control if, and stand on my own 2 feet about.
I will accept my own responsibility in allowing this to happen. She has always taken the lead in our finances and I was just fine with being basically out of it.
It does hurt to know that it's one more thing that I've been lied to about. I know her issues are not about me, but this could ruin me. My bruised ego and broken heart and all that other stuff will heal. My financial report after bankruptcy isn't quite as resilient.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
