Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

AS,
It has been almost 5 months now since the S. We have only talked about the M twice in that time both times my W initiated the talk. I most certainly do not want to bring it up but when it has come up maybe I haven't done the greatest job at responding back to her correctly. I have been in solo MC since the S and it has helped a great deal on many levels.

I am now able to recognize where I would get defensive in an argument in the past and stop it from happening. My W IMHO has noticed this change and has on a couple of occasions "tested" me I believe. I have not back slid and feel it has helped our sitch somewhat. I am a much better listener I empathize with her but not sure always if I validate her feelings as much as I should. She tells me my feelings all the time and ask her to please not do that and she apologizes.

She keeps asking why I didn't say anything about wanting children sooner. if you refer back to my first post it will explain the children aspect of our problems. I apologize the best I can for not just asking her to start a family that is all I can do. I wish I could rewrite history on this because I feel that things would be much much different if I had.

When we talk about children or romantic love, which she says was lacking in our M, I explain to the best I can what I am feeling about the question she has asked concerning these issues and she says "you are just telling me things I want to hear". And "why couldn't you tell me sooner".

She has said that she sees that I have done a lot of things to better myself. Personally, I think it surprises her that I am fighting so for our M and she doesn't know how to react. She has told me that she still has feelings for me just doesn't love me right because we have been together for 15 years. I told her we could rebuild from here if she could just trust me a little to begin with.

She is contacting some close mutual friends now that she hasn't reached out to in 5 months. Hoping this is to see if she should maybe trust me again and that all the things I am doing to better myself is for real and will last. They all tell me what a world of difference they see in me since the S took place and if asked and only if asked they will assure the W that they think I am the same funny guy I always was but realizes now what is really important in life is a family and a loving M