Quarter Life Crisis?

[flgurl84]

Happy Tuesday All! I have girls night tonight with BFF and Baby girl. Super excited. I think we are doing breakfast for dinner. YUM
Had a good Monday. Boo was doing work at one of my properties, and he came by when he was done and visited me at my office. Convo was ok, light/casual. I mentioned my wanting to go back to waitressing. I started by saying that I was starting to worry about him losing his "bachelor pad" (didn't use those terms) and wanted to get a second job. See, his friend’s house he stays at is actually his friend's parent's winter home, and they will be returning for the season, and his friend will be going back to his girlfriends house in Venezuela. So Boo's escape home is quickly coming to an end. I do not want it to force him to make drastic decisions; I know I know, I can't stop him though. He told me not to worry, I didn't need to go back to work, he has work in Tampa he will be doing and he will be away for about a month with that. He told me I didn't have to go back to work because of him basically. I told him, it wasn't for him, it was for me, so I could start putting money in savings and get out of the house and that I was bored on the weekends. I told him I would be going to talk with my old manager on Friday, and she may not even have a job for me, it’s up in the air. But I made it clear it was not completely for him, it was for me, but the added benefit would be, I would be out of the house from 4PM til about 10:30-11PM and he could be there alone as an added bonus. He quickly said, "whatever you wanna do." Not really accepting or condoning it. It sounded like the cliché when a woman says "fine" it’s really not fine. Oh well. This is my life.
After I got home in the afternoon, he got home about an hour later, which is a big shock. He is never home that early, so it was a nice surprise. We talked a little. He took a phone call and I got ready to go to my Orchid Society meeting. Was there til about 9PM, I am an official member and they held elections for the organizations offices, and I volunteered to be the Secretary! I am very excited. I learned a lot! I went home with a new orchid and T-shirt. This has made me re-think my going back to waitressing. There are many weekend activities the EAOS (Englewood Area Orchid Society) needs volunteers for and I would like to be a part of them and help. I was the youngest one there, and I am able bodied and minded. I feel like I am looked at like a real asset by them, which is something I don't feel like in my personal life, so it’s a nice change. I will have to check my calendar, see how my meeting with my old manager goes on Friday and go from there.
Boo came home last night, he was at MIL's for her B-day. We talked, he was very proud of me about EAOS. I ate my dinner and then went to bed. He stayed home, which was nice.
This morning was really good too. We actually spent about 20 mins just talking. He has about 6-7 homes lined up for work (he frames new homes) for the new year so that is about 3-4 months worth of work. And he has 3 to do by the end of the year. He made a list of stuff to do, including getting rid of our boat, and cleaning out some areas of the home. We walked our yard, and discussed ideas for some garden revamping. It felt like old times.
I kissed him this morning. I ended our chat this morning, saying I had to get ready, gave him a hug where he sat at the table. He stood up and I didn't really move and we hugged again and I looked right up at him, and we kissed. It was nothing passionate, just a normal "goodbye" kiss Hs and Ws give each other. I haven't kissed him in 2 months. I was proud of myself. I didn’t tear up or get emotional about it. I am feeling better about myself. I am not feeling like something is wrong with me or I am weird (which I did think that b/c Boo didn't want to be intimate with me) I do think it may push him into withdrawing again, but that’s ok.
God I just miss him so much!! I am going to let my confidence shine through. I feel like good things are happening in his life with the business and it will help his self esteem.
I told him he looked really nice today. He was just wearing work clothes, but he looked good, I've always thought my Boo was attractive. He has a good body, he is tall, and he has nice teeth, beautiful blue eyes. He is a very clean man, he loves his showers. I've always loved everything about him, and I have been thinking more and more about the 5LL, which I purchased with the accompanying journal. Upon receiving it, I couldn't read it, I had too much anger and hate towards Boo, but now I feel like I want to.
The Acting As If was so easy this morning! In fact, it wasn't As If acting at all! I was just acting how I really felt! Happy, and loving towards him, and wanting to laugh with him and compliment him! I wasn't fishing for compliments, or looking for a favor. I think something clicked today, especially about the whole "empty love tank" thing. In my head, I would be like "why be nice/act loving/compliment him...he won't do the same for me." THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S ABOUT!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Wow, can't wait to crack that 5LL book and journal. I feel like I have all this love inside me that has been buried by anger hurt and confusion towards him and those feelings are definitely dispersing (maybe not completely gone) and my honest love can shine through!
Not Love because he loves me, or Love because he does this for me, or says this to me. Love because I LOVE HIM. Wow. I am speechless. LOL, well maybe not, but just WOW.