on the edge...

[dingo]

How quickly things change....
I sensed something was a little amiss on Sunday when she was more standoffish than she had been the previous few weeks. Then when I got home last night, she told me she had looked at an apartment earlier that day and was planning to move out on 12/1.

I asked her why and her response was 'you've been great to me the last few weeks and I feel horrible that I can't return it.' I told her that I had enjoyed the last few weeks as well and understand that it will be a long process for her and that I am not necessarily looking for her to reciprocate 1 to 1 with me at this point. I also said that I hope she changes her mind but that while I don't agree with her decision, I support it.

I went upstairs to change my clothes and she followed. She continued to talk about the situation and I let myself get sucked into the 'more of the same' conversation. Her logic was all over the place. Her excuses ran the gamut from I don't love you anymore to I'm bored and trapped to I don't deserve you anymore. Of course, I tried to point out the flaws in her reasoning even though in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't going to convince her and that even if it did, it wouldn't be a permanent solution - but I couldn't stop myself. I am the only person giving her real advice that's not 'do what makes you happy' crap and even if it has to come from me, I think she has to hear that side of it.

She also joined in the 'more of the same' talk with 'I am 100% sure this time, nothing is going to change my mind' to 'I'll think about things during the week and make a decision on Friday.' Its the standard progression of these threats from her but I always take them seriously because I don't know when she will follow through.

Interestingly enough, I don't think this has to do with the OM. I believe she has kept to zero contact (except for work issues which can't be helped right now). She has been much less protective of her cell phone and has spent much less time actually on it. She also has not had any long unexplained absences. She claims that he is not interested in non-work related contact anymore either.

It could possibly have something to do with stress. She is under a lot of pressure at work and has expressed concerns about changing jobs and leaving her current company understaffed on important projects. Even though I did not push her on the new job (she doesn't even have an offer yet), she felt that she was pressured by the situation. Add to that the stress of working through her issues with me and my very presence maybe more stress than she can handle, especially with me acting like a saint to her. It does no good to speculate though.

What is clear is that despite her claims of being wanting and willing, she is still not fully committed to the marriage. She is willing to try by staying in the situation and putting on a good face but when things get tough or her feelings get conflicted with her logic, she reacts with emotion. I asked her if she thought about seeing a psychologist for depression and she laughed in my face but I definitely think its a contribution to the problem.

I don't know what she is going to do this week. She spoke with her father this morning and he told her 'marriages take work and don't work for everyone but they do work for everyone who works at them.' I thought that was a pretty good line but as usual, she claims the conventional wisdom (whether it comes from the counselor, me, her father or articles she's read) never applies to her. I don't know what is going to happen tonight when we get home or if/when she intends to sign the lease on the apartment.