Questions on the 37 rules and other advice...

[S4tk]

Still seeking opinions on this ^^^^^^^^

I know it's not a typical situation, so any guidance or suggestions are appreciated and won't be taken as law.

[Fartiltre]

Sorry to say!: IMHO: It sounds controlling, a bit manipulative and like something they teach you on the first day at a sales course.

Why not: “W, we need to do something about our housing soon. What is your opinion about this?”

[S4tk]

Sorry to say!: IMHO: It sounds controlling, a bit manipulative and like something they teach you on the first day at a sales course.

Why not: “W, we need to do something about our housing soon. What is your opinion about this?”

Ok, that's why I am asking

Good to know it sounds controlling. I thought a direct approach where I let her know my desires and the needs of our family would be appropriate, but I also saw that it risked the appearance of control. I'm not sure I would say manipulation, but at least control.

[adinva]

Effective communication is seeking her input about your topic of concern and being prepared to listen and give credence to opinions that differ from yours. If it's going to be a difficult conversation, it's a helpful technique to broach and listen in one conversation and save your input for the next conversation.

Your suggestion sounded like you have it all decided, right down to the choice of neighborhoods from which she can select.

If you're anticipating that she's going to be resistant to the plan, and it sounds like you think so, then narrowing it down to a choice of neighborhoods isn't really asking for her input. And you'll find she'll give it to you anyway, but from a threatened and defensive position where she's less likely to consider your ideas at all.

Starting with an open ended question and listening to her values, goals, fears and wants with regard to housing...and being prepared to adjust your proposed plan based on her input...is a better way to have her buy-in.

Expressing vulnerability rather than trying to control the outcome, should create a more cooperative environment. Starting from "I feel worried about xyz, and I'd like to ask your help to brainstorm how to solve that..." instead of "I will be doing X and want you to do Y" shows that you're prepared to respect her opinions that may be different from yours.

[S4tk]

Effective communication is seeking her input about your topic of concern and being prepared to listen and give credence to opinions that differ from yours. If it's going to be a difficult conversation, it's a helpful technique to broach and listen in one conversation and save your input for the next conversation.

This is a great suggestion. It goes against our normal communication dynamic, and it will show her I am listening, one of my 180s.

I am indeed nervous that if I just do this, she will again mention S. Would truly dropping the rope mean that I stop avoiding what may be inevitable, and not be afraid of this convo?

[S4tk]

Journaling.

W is away for two weeks tying up loose ends at our previous residence. since we are still under the same roof, I am using it as an opportunity to give her space and time and I have had minimal contact with her.

She mentioned to me that she took three days to visit some art museums in another country since she got a great deal on airfare. We were living in Europe, so the airfare was indeed cheap.

But this trip is part of what I am calling, "W's 2013 Escape Tour." All told, she has been on 3-4 day trips, either with girlfriends or herself, to Paris, London, Basel, and a regional city as well. She took D5 to Disney for 5 nights, took them to visit her parents twice this year (4-5 nights each), and went on a long weekend to Seattle for a wedding.

If you count this trip to go and wrap everything up at our previous home, and a weekend trip to her BFF here, that makes 10 trips! Besides depleting our vacation fund (and beyond), it is just strange because off the frequency.

Based on the variety of locations, the fact that sometimes our kids or her girlfriends were with her, and that I was almost always the one dropping her off or picking her up from the airport, I have a hard time believing an A is behind this. She has flat out told me and our MC (we went to two different sessions, once each) that there is no OM but she has told me that she has fantasized about what it would have been like to marry different old flames instead of me.

My IC tells me that it might not be an A with an actual person, but at the very least it is an A with art or travel or finding herself. In other words, an A with the idea of life without me.

Just wanted to journal this since it strikes me as a possible symptom of MLC.

[S4tk]

I just want to ask for prayer. I have a biopsy today for a bump near my clavicle. I had tongue cancer about 10 years ago, so even though it just (hopefully) appears to be a benign nodule, it still is a surgical procedure and I am nervous.

Thanks

s4tk

[Fartiltre]

Praying and keeping my fingers crossed!

Stay strong!

All the best

F

[AnotherStander]

My IC tells me that it might not be an A with an actual person, but at the very least it is an A with art or travel or finding herself. In other words, an A with the idea of life without me.

I actually started calling that an IA (imaginary affair) a while back. We talk about EA's and PA's, but in absence of those I'm convinced there is at least an IA taking place. The WAS imagines their knight in shining armor is out there waiting to sweep them off their feet and usher them into the perfect life, if only they can ditch the LBS they'll be free to go find their IA partner. In some ways an IA is the most difficult affair to overcome because the IA partner is limited only by the WAS's imagination. EA's and especially PA's will eventually turn up the affair partner's true colors, but in an IA the partner is pure perfection.

Good luck with your surgery, hope it goes smoothly!

[S4tk]

My IC tells me that it might not be an A with an actual person, but at the very least it is an A with art or travel or finding herself. In other words, an A with the idea of life without me.

I actually started calling that an IA (imaginary affair) a while back. We talk about EA's and PA's, but in absence of those I'm convinced there is at least an IA taking place. The WAS imagines their knight in shining armor is out there waiting to sweep them off their feet and usher them into the perfect life, if only they can ditch the LBS they'll be free to go find their IA partner. In some ways an IA is the most difficult affair to overcome because the IA partner is limited only by the WAS's imagination. EA's and especially PA's will eventually turn up the affair partner's true colors, but in an IA the partner is pure perfection.

Good luck with your surgery, hope it goes smoothly!

Thanks AS. I took time the last few days to read through the threads of your situation. It gives me a better idea of what you have experienced. I appreciate you reaching out and giving input.