It's a shame that you mentioned that your H won't consider any kind of therapy. I think he could really benefit from an individual counselor. It definitely sounds like the death of his friend triggered his MLC. A lot of what he says sounds like MLC speech to me.
It seems to me like he is constantly asking himself what he wants, and when he text barrages you when he can't get a hold of you its like he is scared to lose you.
All you can really do are the things you've already started doing. Getting a life, acting as if. Not just waiting for things to happen, but going out there and doing things.

I don't know if it would be a great idea to put yourself in the situation with the guy you used to have a crush on. It can be very easy for a left behind spouse to be tempted. It's totally up to you though, but I think if it were me I might look to pick up a 2nd job at another place.

Me: 31 H: 32
Married 10 years, together 11
No kids
H moved out to an apt 8-3-13

Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis