"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

Thanks Bright! Your post helped me make it through the night!

I peered through the darkness at H, clinging to the edge of the matrimonial bed, as they say. He was laying on the shoulder he hurt a few weeks ago when he flipped his quad. I massage this shoulder for him every night and morning. But he had to lay on it ... anything to not face his mean and controlling W!

I tossed and turned and then looked at the forum on my iPhone, and saw your post, Bright! It turned my silent mantra from "H, you're an a$$hole" to "I can do this. I'm okay. I'm at peace." And I could rest peacefully even if I didn't sleep.

I wondered too about what he would do if I did the same. I've asked him before. He is blank. He can only say he knows I would never do to him what he does to me so it's not an issue.

job, thanks!

I have a lot of ugly feelings toward H right now.

Yesterday, after he said he "fought" for this freedom, I reminded him he already goes out twice a week with a guy friend after the gym. They eat out and drink beers or hard liquor. I never say a thing about this. This has been going on for many, many months.

Last week he went restaurant bar-hopping with a guy friend, and got home after the boys and I were asleep. I said nothing about it.

He changed his "guys, I can't go to Vegas with you, I'm married, I'm a family man" to "let's plan it" to "we're going in the spring". He told this to a person we didn't know when he and I were out. That's how I knew. I said nothing at the time about it.

But I reminded H he has all the freedom he wants and I never complain. So if he was "fighting" for his freedom ... it wasn't with me.

This issue with the schedule this weekend reeked of deception and Cookout Girl. That is what made me concerned.

Now that you mention he isn't all the way baked yet, I noticed he has started taking things I say and talking to people at work about them as a way to convince himself I'm unreasonable. Sigh.

And he mentioned some other things lately, that showed me he is only thinking about himself all the time.

I am so tired of this. So tired of a man like this. I just don't know how I could put up with months or years more of this.

It's great when it's going well, but he is such a loose cannon.

He needs to/wants to/has to be in control. If he checks with me about his schedule, he feels then that I am in control. Not that I keep the social schedule and check for conflicts. Sigh again.

But I can go back to basics. I can dial my expectations back to zero, much as I don't want to. I can give him space. I can work on me. I can ignore his silly teenage ways and turn a blind eye to his selfishness. And I can know that I'll be okay.

Now, where is that checklist?

...Back off
...Give tons of space
...Art of silence
...............