"You're My Best Friend"

[Takevowsserious]

Hey girl

Just wanted to stop by to say hello, let you know I was thinking of you.

You deserve to ride off into that sunset my dear.

Have a wonderful time this weekend!

[TSquared2]

Oh, and T^2, not that flowers are a bad thing, of course! Every girl loves flowers! Just sayin'

I didn't even think anything of that, and spontaneous hikes and random motels/hotels sound much better than flowers to me, for me, just sayin'

You just keep going, rH.

[reachingHigher]

Thank you, TVS, PM, and T^2!!!!

I'll try to get to your thread, TVS, soon to comment. I started a comment this weekend but didn't finish it yet.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wanted to journal about our weekend b/c I feel we made continual advances in our reconciliation.

H prepared everything very well and seemed very excited. He even went out of his way to go by a drugstore to get me a prescription, whereas in the past he would have resented helping me.

He bought a small bottle of champagne for us to share in the hotel room and put it on a bucket of ice for us.

Some good things:

> We listened to a podcast together on the trip out. It was an interview with A. J. Jacobs (year of living Biblically) and he talked about experimenting in his life with his habits. I liked this as it showed H and I we don't have to be "stuck" in routines.

> H and I had a lot of good convo. We discussed loneliness. We talked about some things during his crisis. He doesn't remember ANY of the hurtful things he said to me, October, 2011. When I described some things he said, he looked at me like someone telling an intriguing story.

> We talked about the future. I asked H if there were adventure trips...out of the country or here in the U.S. that he would like to do. He asked me the same.

> While at the restaurant, H mentioned it would be interesting if such-and-such celebrity couple walked in. And interesting if celebrity W grabbed celebrity H's cellphone to see who he was texting. H said it is reported they have that agreement. So we talked about that. I said that appeared controlling and disrespectful to the H. My H said that H's that have W's that have access to their smartphone...just get a second phone! Lol!

So we talked about the men's need for their privacy. We brought up the issue that men used to have Elk's Lodge, Rotary club, etc. H's dad used to have a retirement club supper he attended once a month that H's mom despised. So I saw the need for this privacy. I told H that since he doesn't have such a club, I can think of his smartphone as his Elk's Lodge and that can help me get through moments of jealousy!

> Not everything went picture-perfect. There was a moment that H was in the mood to do something and right then I wasn't into the idea. Hey, I'm only human! So, we got dressed up and went out on-the-town.

H said wherever you wanna go. So I picked a happy-looking bar. H mentioned it had the "younger crowd". The place was packed and at shouting-level convo's. I said not here. He said, bars are loud.

Next door was a quiet place. It had beautiful lighting, votive candles and was filled with couples, small groups of friends, and singles. It had nicely-framed sets of windows around the edges so you didn't feel like you were in a dark hole. It was so comfortable. H and I spent an hour there talking and laughing.

Him: this is your kind of place.

Me: (smile) Yes. Was the place next door your kind of place?

Him: (pondering) Yes, I think so.

I'm okay with us being different. And I've been many places just to please H. I was so happy he came with me just to please me. But he was so somber and low key. I had seen him this way before during replay. Like a switch went off in his brain during the evening.

We talked about this incident today. I asked if he felt like he did the other times when he acted so differently. He said no, it was a different feeling then back then. I asked him to use a word to describe how it made him feel. He couldn't. But he said we had a very nice weekend still.

> I got some more answers of what it was like during MLC. I would ask non-threatening questions at times such as, didju feel like you spent a lot of time alone in your apartment thinking or didju feel like you were out with friends most of the time?

Then I contrasted his answer with my own experience of what it was like when I was living alone before H and I M so that he didn't feel I was putting him on the spot. I do this often when I want answers. And I have gotten a lot. I just don't pass judgment and then show how his experience is common to other people's, etc. It gets me a lot of answers to questions I have.

> I drove on the way back and H seemed really happy and pleasant. As we got closer to home, he wanted to listen to another podcast. He picked the subject: death and dying. It was very intense. I asked him if it was making him feel "anxious" and he said "not too much". But he was riveted to the broadcast. So we were able to talk a little about that subject with each other.

The fact he picked that subject told me some about what he was thinking about.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel good about where H and I are. I like that the whole weekend wasn't picture perfect. Life will never be that way. We have to flow with people, their moods, unexpected circumstances and still be okay with how things go.

I feel we drew closer together this weekend.
I still feel like H's best friend.

[BrightFuture]

rH, good to hear that you had a great weekend. I see some similarities to my H again. This need for privacy… My H would say the same about having the privacy with his phone. I think this is still part of insecurity. I know a few friends and relatives who seem to have no need to guard their phones like that. I’m curious to see if this behavior will change over time for your H. We would also have the same opinions about the choice of bars, even though I went to H’s kinds of bars quite often, but he still blamed me for not willing to do it with him.

I’m so happy for you, rH. Please keep posting.

[ForeverYoung]

Talking about bars...

My W and I almost never went to them. Many years before BD, I suggested she go into a singles bar on her own, and then I would come in a little while later and pick her up! Do any of you ladies think this would be fun to do with your H?

My W's social anxiety wouldn't allow her to do this at the time I suggested it, so we never did. But now she is getting bolder... so maybe some day...

[BrightFuture]

FY, I think it is a great idea! Maybe you can chat with some other women before you “pick her up” t make it even more interesting. I would say it could also back fire, but if you W has social anxiety, she will definitely feel more comfortable with you.

[reachingHigher]

Hello friends!

This need for privacy…. I think this is still part of insecurity. I know a few friends and relatives who seem to have no need to guard their phones like that. I’m curious to see if this behavior will change over time for your H.

I'm curious too; I wish we had total transparency and hope that maybe someday H won't have the need to hide any more, I am thinking its similar to the need for alcohol...still another thing to hide behind.

Talking about bars...

My W and I almost never went to them. Many years before BD, I suggested she go into a singles bar on her own, and then I would come in a little while later and pick her up! Do any of you ladies think this would be fun to do with your H?

My W's social anxiety wouldn't allow her to do this at the time I suggested it, so we never did. But now she is getting bolder... so maybe some day...

FY, I think that's a clever idea for some spice in the right R! I've certainly pumped gas in my car at the same service station as my H and openly flirted with him as if I didn't know him, which was fun.

Your suggestion reminds me of what the first C I went to suggested. (This was pre-DB.). He said to dress "to the nines" and go in the bar where H is and try to pick him up. Or flirt with someone else to get him jealous.

I was horrified. I didn't think I wanted to go that route. I told H about it since he was still living here even tho he was well into replay. I said I sought C but felt that was a breakdown in trust between him and me for me to show up unexpectedly where he said he was. Idk if he appreciated it or not, but I waited for months before trying another C.

Maybe one day H and I will try your suggestion, FY. Not anytime soon tho.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

H & I have had a rough day. He is off today for the federal holiday.

He made plans with a buddy over this next weekend, accepting some expensive tickets free from Cookout Girl but didn't tell me. It came up in convo this morning since he had to say due to me asking him to do something else. He was secretive about it...didn't wanna say what it was at first.

I inquired more about it this afternoon, he seems snippy and cold. He said he has "fought" for this right since we started MC. The right to do things with his own friends. I reminded him ALL his friends are single and don't have responsibilities to spouses or families. I said he wasn't single and we have been planning socially together.

He made me sound like a ball and chain. So, I HAVE to check with you every time I make a move? Sigh.

I said no, we just usually mesh with each other with little to no effort. This seemed different somehow.

I could see he is asserting his independence. He left the room angrily and said he wouldn't go to the event.

I'm guessing he felt guilty about going but is mad anyway. I have avoided him since then. I need to go back to T^2's checklist. Back off. Give him space.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think we got too close this weekend. When we were listening to the podcast about death, he mentioned a poor choice his mom made in the last few hours of his sister's life. I was there, and saw it all. It was against the hospice nurses' wishes, and it caused his sister more agony in her last moments but it was b/c his mom couldn't accept she was dying.

I never heard H mention this before. It's been almost 7 years ago.

I really believe these crises that a person experiences (triggers being death, loss, milestones, etc,) run very, very deep.

Also, looking over the weekend, I see that H still wants to live somewhat as a younger person. He expects me to be that way too. I think he is still trying to decide where he wants to be in life....it is frustrating that his body is getting older but he still wants to treat it or act like he is 19. Yet, he wants the rewards of a person with unlimited money and time.

He doesn't understand women at all, IMO, lol! Or he does but doesn't want to do anything other than selfish choices.

But I'm still here.
I still love him.
And I can back off, give space, breathe deep and do my best

[BrightFuture]

So, I HAVE to check with you every time I make a move?

Yeah, you are married, Dude.

rH, your H is definitely is not fully baked yet. He is still in the process. He needs more time. I think you know what to do, back off and give him some space. What would he say if you would have done the same thing?

[job]

rH,
Back off a bit. True, you and your h have been planning social things together, but...he's still baking up and your expectations level needs to go back to zero. He needs some space to do some things on his own. I suspect that your h is going to want to do some things on his own from now on as part of his "new and improved self".

rH, don't rush the process...allow him to bake slowly and it's okay to check the temp every once in a while, but you need to leave him in the oven a while longer.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks Bright! Your post helped me make it through the night!

I peered through the darkness at H, clinging to the edge of the matrimonial bed, as they say. He was laying on the shoulder he hurt a few weeks ago when he flipped his quad. I massage this shoulder for him every night and morning. But he had to lay on it ... anything to not face his mean and controlling W!

I tossed and turned and then looked at the forum on my iPhone, and saw your post, Bright! It turned my silent mantra from "H, you're an a$$hole" to "I can do this. I'm okay. I'm at peace." And I could rest peacefully even if I didn't sleep.

I wondered too about what he would do if I did the same. I've asked him before. He is blank. He can only say he knows I would never do to him what he does to me so it's not an issue.

job, thanks!

I have a lot of ugly feelings toward H right now.

Yesterday, after he said he "fought" for this freedom, I reminded him he already goes out twice a week with a guy friend after the gym. They eat out and drink beers or hard liquor. I never say a thing about this. This has been going on for many, many months.

Last week he went restaurant bar-hopping with a guy friend, and got home after the boys and I were asleep. I said nothing about it.

He changed his "guys, I can't go to Vegas with you, I'm married, I'm a family man" to "let's plan it" to "we're going in the spring". He told this to a person we didn't know when he and I were out. That's how I knew. I said nothing at the time about it.

But I reminded H he has all the freedom he wants and I never complain. So if he was "fighting" for his freedom ... it wasn't with me.

This issue with the schedule this weekend reeked of deception and Cookout Girl. That is what made me concerned.

Now that you mention he isn't all the way baked yet, I noticed he has started taking things I say and talking to people at work about them as a way to convince himself I'm unreasonable. Sigh.

And he mentioned some other things lately, that showed me he is only thinking about himself all the time.

I am so tired of this. So tired of a man like this. I just don't know how I could put up with months or years more of this.

It's great when it's going well, but he is such a loose cannon.

He needs to/wants to/has to be in control. If he checks with me about his schedule, he feels then that I am in control. Not that I keep the social schedule and check for conflicts. Sigh again.

But I can go back to basics. I can dial my expectations back to zero, much as I don't want to. I can give him space. I can work on me. I can ignore his silly teenage ways and turn a blind eye to his selfishness. And I can know that I'll be okay.

Now, where is that checklist?

...Back off
...Give tons of space
...Art of silence
...............