I've been thinking about your recent conversations a bit...
For the most part, what you did throughout that, was to give his crap back to him. You have been dragging around HIS emotional garbage for a couple years now, and it was time for YOU to kick that schidt to the curb..
And within that, you scared him for the first time. This is the first time that he was faced with actually loosing you, and everything that contains "you".
Now it was only for a little while that he popped his head out of his little fortress that he has built, yet it did happen. His words were there, of one side of his struggle, not every side, but one side of the arguments that go on inside of his head daily. The "other" side of that argument, he STILL hid from you, the other equation was hidden.
In that moment, what he faced was very similar to what each of us has faced, and refer to as "the bomb". It was a wake up call for most of us...
We weren't ready for it, and I doubt that HE was ready for it...
So, with that, I would like for you to realize that this isn't the end for him, and his theories are still unproven, and he is still confused about a lot of things. Not admitting the affair, is a sign that he isn't ready to face any of this yet. And just because he "says" that he knows what he wants, he is still cycling and spinning just as much as before.
Now isn't the time to "move" closer to him, and start to forget the hard work that you have done. Now isn't the time to appear indecisive with your ACTIONS, or your words.
Now also isn't the time for you to do a lot of talking either. This needs to be about him still, and what he can handle, what he is ready to deal with, what he can accept, what he is ready to be accountable for.
Your life moves forward just like before...
What he needs to see from you, is a constant in your words, and even more from your actions. That you were serious about what you said, and how you felt.
I have said many times before that this ISN'T a game, although it will play like one. Cool calculated steps in this journey, on your behalf. Each one thought through, yet totally independent from getting a reaction, or expecting one. There are steps, and as much as we do things for our self, there are things that need to happen to produce the results that we desire.
If you were to tell him that you were done with this, last year, or before you actually were done, and it was done to achieve a desired outcome, he would have sniffed that out like drug dog on a Cheech and Chong movie set.
Saying it when you are actually at that point, has a totally opposite effect. THAT is where your words AND actions align, when the head and heart are reconciled. You live your words and actions. Totally disconnected from the marriage being the prize at the end of the race. You shifted that focus so that YOU were the prize. The only way to do that, is through a LOT of hard work, and that part scares the bejeezus out of him at this point.
In talking with some former MLCers, one constant has been that they all have said that they come out of this slowly. AmyC had stated that the Lord unraveled this tangle web of destruction very slowly to her, because he knew that pulling the shades up too fast would have destroyed her. Another friend described the process as these thoughts would pop into her head, things that she had forgotten about for years, and once she placed HER emotions onto theses things, they would disappear from her thoughts and confusion. And things would slowly become clearer each day.
Another friend has described a combination of both of those things, although they ALL felt a burning desire to make the wrong things right. Yet their path wasn't always clear. And that they all felt that they needed to get them self right, without any interference.
Another thing...Once the MLCer comes through the tunnel, and starts to own their things. They are light years behind the LBS in terms of relationship knowledge. The LBS has read, cried, struggled, triumphed, and come through a revelation of sorts. We are enlightened, and very much different than the person that they remember.
Go easy with that, and the ONE skill that will help the most, is to ..
Listen without defending, and speak without offending....
For now though.....
If you were to ask me my opinion of what the heck happened...??
He got scared when you took away HIS safety net. He said the right things to stop you from pulling his rug out from under him, and he has a plan to stay safe for another few months.
Now isn't the time to become weak, or believe action-less words from him.
Stay YOUR course until, over time, his words become deeper than a hot air balloon....
