So I did not contact w. I keep waffling between just keeping no contact and reaching out. Since she is not contacting me, I take it as a message to not contact her.
Nothing happened between us to lead to this long period of silence. I have to assume it is just her taking space she needs.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Thanks bug and fly. If w asked to be left alone and said she didn't want me in her life any more I would definitely set her free.
Here is my mindset right now...
In the beginning when a WAS pulls away, is cold, mean, says she wants nothing to do with you... Any kind of pursuing will definitely backfire..
Pursuing every day or multiple times a day is always a bad idea
But initiating contact once a week or so I am less certain about. Especially when our last interaction was nothing but positive.
I think that there is a small chance contacting her will make me a little less attractive. Letting her know that I am here and available to her will make me less mysterious (depending on what I say when I reach out). Maybe she needs to think that I am really gone before she reaches out again.
Otoh ... Maybe I have been thru that stage already (she already reached out) and needs me to be there for her a little more. I am still rethinking my sitch in terms of what 25 said.
Mostly I think that reaching out on occasion doesn't help or hurt.. There will be both positives and negatives....
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Your starting to worry me a little bit, you know that last question has no influence on your situation one way or the other. Is your patience wearing thin?
If so go ahead and send a text, per 25's advice, what have you got to lose? Can it hurt to ask her what her plans are for thanksgiving? I don't think that's pushy, controlling or anything. Its an open end question. OR do you think its better to just give her room/space still?
Hi fly... Yes my patience is definitely wearing thin. I am going on 9 months now and our marriage was only 3.5 years at time of bd. I really don't want my impatience to be a factor because that is about me. And it is not so much a time thing as I just don't know where I am at. The zero communication is killing me. It came without warning really.
I get the "let her miss me" thing ... But I just don't know if that helps in my situation . At this point waiting may help me detach, but I think that will likely involve completely letting go and moving on. I am getting close to that point. I really need to still work on me regardless.
Holiday plans are not so much an issue right now; thanksgiving is out already and I don't expect to see her for Christmas.
The one possibility was taking her to see the nutcracker which she always wanted to do and I never made it happen. A month ago when we were going to dinner every two weeks it seemed like a real possibility, but now asking her to do that would be a bad idea.
I am thinking of 1. Simply asking her how she is doing 2. Sending something funny 3. Waiting
Here is a possibility:
Clearly you have been abducted by aliens. Hopefully they are cool, sexy, and look like Mathew McConaughey and not creepy ones like from Independence Day. Please message me when you are released and let me know that you are ok.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Well im certainly no expert, none of us really know what the right thing is or the wrong thing to do is, each sitch is different.
I certainly have my opinions between dealing with a WAS and a MLC'r. I don't want to rehash what became a very hot topic, even between many vets. DB'n is about saving yourself, if the marriage is saved, great, but if not you come out of it in a better place for going thru the process.
So whats right for you and your situation right now? My opinion is do what YOU think is right. Can you push her further away? Can she come back? I get this feeling in your posts that you think you didn't do enough to make her feel chased/wanted. In your case was showing a little chase helping or hurting? I think you thought it wasn't hurting, but it wasn't helping.
Now you've gone thru this period where you backed off, and so has she. Your afraid, and maybe im reading too much into your posts, that you need to step it back up a little to more or less test the water. Is that right or wrong?
I certainly understand where your at trying to decide the next step. You are worried that these last few interactions will be the last before you hear the words: divorce filed. Your worried that maybe a lil' bit more effort would have made a difference.
I don't know the answer, no one does, many will tell you to stick to DB cause in the end, its about saving you. But you, like me were using a tweaked version of DB. So here we are, someone stuck in the middle, and a little lost in our own confusion. You feel your in a perilous spot with your next attempt(s). Its all just slipping away in your mind? Although you are ok with moving on, you don't want it over in this fashion cause of the regrets of not doing enough maybe?
Here's the thing, over your threads, you've put in a lot of work, stopped holding onto that rope as tight. Having lovingly detached, but held on to hope that you can both work thru this. Maybe you thought your wife is/was a WAS, maybe she's got a bit of both WAS and MLC now? My point is, I don't think its about you so much. Your wife is obviously struggling with herself. The only thing you can do at this point is be supportive of her need to go thru the process.
I don't see anything wrong with YOUR need to see where you stand. You need to do whats best for you at this point. If its sending a text of asking her how she's doing, that's for you, not her so much. Not to say you don't care how she's feeling, but its more about what type of interaction its going to be for you. If you don't get a response again, or if she answers back in a certain way gives YOU what you need at this point. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont, but you obviously need to see if theres something there for you, time to let go?, or time to reaffirm your need to keep standing?
Waiting, or sending something funny leaves that wiggle room for doubt or a non-response either way. I think, and maybe im wrong, you need more of an answer, one way or the other. You've still been holding onto that rope, but its been slipping thru your fingers a bit, and theres only a few feet left of rope to get a hold of before theres nothing left to hold onto if that makes sense.
I understand you either need that answer (not a final resolution, but an idea) to hope or let go. Don't mistake your need to have some kind of answer for yourself, and it not being about what your wife is doing so much.
In regards to the alien text. I think that's a bad idea, cause it almost makes it sound like she's the one with the issues. She might take it a different way. Your just trying to make it funny. I think option 1 is perfectly acceptable. After all, its the response your interested in.
Thanks for your response fly, I sent the alien text... Possibly a bad idea.. But hind sight ...anyway. No response yet... 7pm ca time .. I sent it before noon local time. I will probably not get a response. This is new for my w to go this dark. It kinda feels like dating in high school when one person just stops contact and nothing... We were seeing each other every few weeks and texted one or two times a week and now nothing... I think I am ready to move on. I will move slowly...
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I understand, as you read in my post, almost the same thing happened, we were doing ok, dinner once a week (my cooking-a huge 180) communications were up/positive.
Then BAM, nothing, nothing at all, then I got the talk. She's filing. I'm sorry if that's whats happening. I myself, im moving forward, but in not giving in. I just get to do it from a distance, I can take a bit more, she doesn't know. I'm not gonna tell her, after 22 years, I owe it to myself to hang on a bit longer. Its my turn to do all the work for a while. Its actually helping me confirm my changes actually. I'm ok with it either way. I don't like it, but it is what it is.
You can wait a bit longer, or you can move on, the choice is yours. She's going to have to come to you eventually, so keep the PMA up. It still doesn't mean anything at this point, either way.
