I am soooooooo pissed at H. I am so aggravated that I am sitting here at home having to take care of the house and kids by myself, with no help, no adult interaction. That I am the one they cry to that Daddy isn't here and I have to put them back together and he has no clue. That I still can't sleep more than a 4 hour stretch. That he thinks he is the coolest guy on earth right now, does whatever he wants, basically has zero obligations, and in his head has done (and can do) no wrong. GRRRRRRRR. Every time I see him (which is every day), I feel hurt and angry all over again when he gets into his car and goes to his stupid apartment and I go to our house that we are supposed to live in TOGETHER. I have done so much difficult work on myself (let me tell you, when you really look in the mirror it isn't always a pretty sight) and he's just living in the moment, doing whatever he wants, with no thought that maybe, just maybe, he had some role in how crappy our M got.
OK, I'll stop now. I know I have to be patient for these things to happen, and I am lucky that H wants to spend time with me and many others have it much worse. He has come around a whole lot since 6 weeks ago when he couldn't possibly divorce me quickly enough, and I should be happy about that, but boy is it hard not to be mad sometimes.
I do have to pat myself on the back that H has no clue that I am angry or hurt or upset . . . I have put on a pretty good face around him. Maybe too good. My coach told me today that I can let him know how hurt I am in certain situations - like when he yammers on excitedly about his apartment. I can say that really hurts me and I'd prefer not to talk about it. It probably isn't good if he actually thinks that I am perfectly fine and happy with all this. It's just kind of a fine line.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Question. In a few weeks, H will take the kids the family trip that I planned (grrrrr), but since it's for his brother's wedding, of course he gets to go and not me. Should I be planning ahead for my children to have something nice to wear, or let him deal with that? If I prepare everything he will need, I feel like I am making life too easy for him, but I don't want to be mean or spiteful. I am having trouble figuring out where the line is between being mean and just letting him handle things on his own.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
