"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

Hello friends!

This need for privacy…. I think this is still part of insecurity. I know a few friends and relatives who seem to have no need to guard their phones like that. I’m curious to see if this behavior will change over time for your H.

I'm curious too; I wish we had total transparency and hope that maybe someday H won't have the need to hide any more, I am thinking its similar to the need for alcohol...still another thing to hide behind.

Talking about bars...

My W and I almost never went to them. Many years before BD, I suggested she go into a singles bar on her own, and then I would come in a little while later and pick her up! Do any of you ladies think this would be fun to do with your H?

My W's social anxiety wouldn't allow her to do this at the time I suggested it, so we never did. But now she is getting bolder... so maybe some day...

FY, I think that's a clever idea for some spice in the right R! I've certainly pumped gas in my car at the same service station as my H and openly flirted with him as if I didn't know him, which was fun.

Your suggestion reminds me of what the first C I went to suggested. (This was pre-DB.). He said to dress "to the nines" and go in the bar where H is and try to pick him up. Or flirt with someone else to get him jealous.

I was horrified. I didn't think I wanted to go that route. I told H about it since he was still living here even tho he was well into replay. I said I sought C but felt that was a breakdown in trust between him and me for me to show up unexpectedly where he said he was. Idk if he appreciated it or not, but I waited for months before trying another C.

Maybe one day H and I will try your suggestion, FY. Not anytime soon tho.

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H & I have had a rough day. He is off today for the federal holiday.

He made plans with a buddy over this next weekend, accepting some expensive tickets free from Cookout Girl but didn't tell me. It came up in convo this morning since he had to say due to me asking him to do something else. He was secretive about it...didn't wanna say what it was at first.

I inquired more about it this afternoon, he seems snippy and cold. He said he has "fought" for this right since we started MC. The right to do things with his own friends. I reminded him ALL his friends are single and don't have responsibilities to spouses or families. I said he wasn't single and we have been planning socially together.

He made me sound like a ball and chain. So, I HAVE to check with you every time I make a move? Sigh.

I said no, we just usually mesh with each other with little to no effort. This seemed different somehow.

I could see he is asserting his independence. He left the room angrily and said he wouldn't go to the event.

I'm guessing he felt guilty about going but is mad anyway. I have avoided him since then. I need to go back to T^2's checklist. Back off. Give him space.

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I think we got too close this weekend. When we were listening to the podcast about death, he mentioned a poor choice his mom made in the last few hours of his sister's life. I was there, and saw it all. It was against the hospice nurses' wishes, and it caused his sister more agony in her last moments but it was b/c his mom couldn't accept she was dying.

I never heard H mention this before. It's been almost 7 years ago.

I really believe these crises that a person experiences (triggers being death, loss, milestones, etc,) run very, very deep.

Also, looking over the weekend, I see that H still wants to live somewhat as a younger person. He expects me to be that way too. I think he is still trying to decide where he wants to be in life....it is frustrating that his body is getting older but he still wants to treat it or act like he is 19. Yet, he wants the rewards of a person with unlimited money and time.

He doesn't understand women at all, IMO, lol! Or he does but doesn't want to do anything other than selfish choices.

But I'm still here.
I still love him.
And I can back off, give space, breathe deep and do my best