I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

<3 you job Thanks for your post. I am remembering to dig in for patience every day. He is a slow one, but on the other hand this does seem to be moving very fast. Our S was quite short compared to others, and this reconnection train, once started, seems to be moving faster than even I’m ready for too. The boys are doing amazingly well. I can’t believe how big my little man is now. He is crawling all over the house, getting into stuff. It’s bitter-sweet, knowing he is my last. Every few months I’m donating things, instead of packing them for the next one. That’s always a difficult day.

More Journaling…

So where are things now, one year later? My husband and I are back together. He has been home for over five months now, snuck right back into the home as a short two week transition until he moved into his next apartment. We are sleeping in the same bed (past six week.) We are being physically intimate (past five weeks.) We are connecting physically, but that’s mainly just MBR physical. I started instigating it. I also started kissing him or hugging him goodbye. Not every time, but when I can. I don’t know how he feels about that, but I don’t really care. He accepts. He doesn’t pull away or cringe or anything. I’m doing it because I want to. He doesn’t do much of anything physical outside of the MBR. He instigated the ML, and I’m just starting to instigate more. I wouldn’t call it ML though. It’s physical. There isn’t any words. He doesn’t say I love you or you’re beautiful or that was great or ANYTHING…EVER! Kind of weird, like everything else. And the majority of time it’s just a lot of snuggling. Lots of snuggling, touching, and hugging every night and sometimes it goes beyond. So I’m getting my tons and tons of consistent action, and nothing said. And the woman in me is longing for those words, anything. Just say something! Yes folks, we are different.

We are throwing a huge party in a few weeks to celebrate one of his accomplishments and will have 40+ people here. I threw out the suggestion as a “hey this would be fun,” and he ran with it and he is so excited about it. He wants the house perfect for that and for the Christmas season. He is getting guys to come and deck out the house with lights, etc, etc.

He is talking about needing to clean up the closet. Those bags that he brought home from his apartment are still packed in the closet, but now there is a bunch of other crap thrown on top. I cleaned out the chest in the room that had all the baby stuff in it. So there is a large dresser/chest there that is empty, but he hasn’t made the move to organize it yet. Just talk. He still keeps his dirty clothes in a separate hamper, even though I’ve told him he can just sort it in the other hampers, and even though he knows I just go grab it and sort it anyway and wash it, since I have someone who comes and folds/hangs laundry. Otherwise if I was doing the laundry, I would just let it go. Still one of those “You are so weird, but okay, whatever,” things to me that I just ignore.

He is talking about family vacations in the future. Lots of talk in the future, with family, plus him and I alone kind of stuff. He wants me with him. He makes plans for us. We do a lot of couple things. He had couples over to the house last night, and told me he didn't want so-and-so coming, because he just wanted a couple’s night. We are doing a lot just him and I. Babysitting expenses are adding up fast.

He is watching the kids so I can go out. He seems happy about me going out. Happy that he can do something or that I’m getting away. He verbally says he is trying to help out, to make it so things are stressful for me, to help with the kids. And he is helping. This last week it really picked up to a level I haven’t seen in a very long time. Probably getting close to the same level he was five years ago.

I was out late one night. Until about 1:30 am. He knew I was out with a friend, but he didn’t know where or anything and I didn’t tell him. He was kind of distant towards me after. He texted me when I got in the house but was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, saying “welcome home.” Didn’t say it. He texted it. And then he asked if I had a good time, and I said yes, and that was it. He just rolled over and didn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t know what to read into that. Kind of made me laugh a little. I ended up telling him what we did a few days later. He was probably surprised because I went way out of my comfort zone. I’ll save that for later.

He is being bossy and demanding, not in a controlling or bad way, but this is different, for him to ask anything of me or have any expectations of me. He wants my help with things. He is asking me for things. The appreciation really isn't there for anything though. He doesn’t acknowledge or say thanks much. He wants to know what I’m doing. Who I’m talking to. What is being said. We did some of that small touches in front of those other couples last night, the head leaned against the shoulder, the whisperings. He called me “hon,” and it seemed like a slip, but it made me melt.

He is analyzing the crap out of me and actually telling me so. Quotes are what he said, and parentheses are what I’m thinking and my truth, but I just tell him, yeah I'm fine. Thanks for thinking of me.
“Are you okay? You were in the bathroom a long time tonight.”
(Yeah, I’m fine. It’s the only place I can go to respond to messages and read my DB forum.)
“Are you sure you want to keep watching this? It seems to be affecting you.”
(Yes I’m fine. It’s hard to watch shows where the husband is so deceitful and destroying his family, but actually I’m spinning a bit right now because you told me you just sent a work related email to OW3 and you don’t know that I know she was one of your make-out buddies for a few nights.)

He told me to put my phone away. I know I need to when I’m around other people, but the anxiety builds in me. I need to be doing something. I have a hard time when we are playing games with other people, just sitting there doing nothing and waiting for people. He told me to talk to him instead. I said I would but he is talking to other people about the game rules. He said if I need to, then to just look at my phone while at the table but don’t leave.

Would I fall for him all over again if the cheating wasn’t there? Yes. Yes I would. Am I worried that I’m falling for a guy who ripped my heart out and stomped on it and doesn’t acknowledge that he did? Hell to the yes.

So what is not happening...he is not instigating physical outside of the MB. There is no talk of or acknowledgement for the past. He has not gotten additional C sessions lined up. I also told him he needed to get an STD test last week and he said he would, but he hasn’t. (Yes I’m being safe.) It annoys the crap out of me that he won’t just do it so I don’t have to ask again. It was hard enough to ask the first time. He is busy and stressed with work.

I started IC. Now that opened up a lot for me, and I went into it so unprepared. This next session will be better. More on that probably after the next session. This first session was so fire hose.

I’m reminded of something I said to rH last March. So many people liked it that I copied it into my “quotes” notes on my phone. So now here it is, something I said to rH, that I honestly doubted would ever apply to me:

Enjoy the reconnection. You are now on a journey with your husband that most couples never get. You're not stagnant. You're not going through the motions. You are creating. You are moving. Your love is an action. You get to start and build a new relationship, but with the man you love deeply love, a man you have gone through Hell for. And he loves you, without question.

No one is perfect, and neither is any relationship. And there are going to be ups and downs. So focus on the ups when you feel down. Put the sad thoughts behind you and focus on the bright new day. It [censored] that these MLCers have to do so much damage to learn what we have known all along, but what really matters at this point is the lesson has and is being learned.