2TH - In terms of goals, I would focus on things that you want to do for yourself. Personal goals to make sure that you are the best person possible - a person that only a fool would leave. You can also have a set of things that you would like to see from your W. They need to be really really small goals. It needs to be smaller than opening up or doing things that she used to do. It is going to take a long time for that to happen. My first goal was to work on me (see goals above) so that H feels less pursued, is a little more warm and does not run for the door when the kids are gone. This is all about baby steps (and somethings there will be steps backwards).
I was confused about the 180s as well. You want to figure out what you dont like about yourself and what you want to improve upon. Only change the things that you want to change about yourself. If you W mentioned a flaw and you agree, then do a 180. Do not be spiteful out of punishment or to get a reaction. Only 180 the negative things.
I think that everything on this site would apply to your situation, even if you were not officially married.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard. Continue to post often even if they are not appearing right away and you will be off of moderation before you know it.
