I grew up with the idea that if you love someone, you performed acts of services to show your love. You go out of your way, no matter the personal sacrifices. I am doing the same things with H. And when I do these things, I except love back despite my daily reminders to myself to have no expectations.
It's tough to change that behavior, because in a healthy M when a rift develops then the way to solve that is to pursue our spouse, to show them love, to do things for them. But after BD everything changes, the things that worked before are the opposite of what works after BD. Those behaviors are damaging instead of helpful. We have to rewire our brains to see things differently.
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I don't think it is healthy for me. Helping each other out is a benefit of marriage. Our marriage is over. H is going to the OW for all of the other benefits of marriage.
Exactly. That's not to say that there's not a chance for M in the future, but it'll be a NEW M. The old one is dead and gone, never to return. You have to quit doing things to try and hang onto that old M.
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H called me at work, which he never does. He appears to be freaking out that I may change things up and that I do not agree with his vision of possible post-divorce life.
I'm curious what triggered this in him, did you say something to him or did he get worried on his own? Regardless, this is EXACTLY the kind of reaction you want him to have. He needs to know that HIS way is NOT your way, and that you're not going to be railroaded into his silly cake-eating scenario.
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I told him that I needed some time to think.
Good. Don't let him pressure you into responding on HIS timeline, you take as much time as you want. If he says anything in the meantime, just reiterate that you need time and space.
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I know that it may lead to the end of our marriage, but honestly it has been over for years. I just did not know it until recently.
Yes, almost all of our M's ended at BD. It takes us all different lengths of time to understand that though. Again I'll say that this doesn't mean there's not a chance for a new M with H in the future, but a big part of healing, detaching and possibly reconciling is accepting that the old M is indeed dead.
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and then claimed that it was not an A and that OW is just a best friend
The script is so predictable sometimes. They all say that. Cover a big lie with little lies. Makes sense to the WAS's murky mind.
