You do have to try to get your emotions in check, ok? Doesnt serve you or the sitch well.
You got to thinking about where he was and allowed that to affect your actions.
So, try really hard to detach and have no expectations. In his mind, he told you he doesnt want to be in the marriage, so, he feels he has no obligation to let you know his whereabouts.
Doesnt mean he will always feel that way. But it is how he thinks he feels now. So, it is best not to let your mind go to where he might be.
You have to lovingly let him go to walk this journey.
And you have to continue to work on you.
You want him to see someone different. Someone in control, someone with strength and courage.
Can you try to count to 50, or take a walk, or say a prayer before getting into a text war with him?
Can you accept that he is in crisis right now? And he is incapable of acting rationally at times?
When you do, you can begin to really detach. And that is where you need to be.
Thanks for the comments over the weekend. Yesterday and today, have been pretty uneventful.
Thanks, uR, for the 2X4's....H texted me yesterday afternoon and this morning....and I remembered your words and did NOT let myself get drawn into fights.
I stayed calm and mostly, quiet. I got away with the bare minimum in conversation. I validated "sorry you feel that way"...."sorry you had a tough night at work...thank you for working so hard for us"...etc.
H did keep asking why I was "so quiet"..."not my usual talkative self"..."acting weird." Lol. Being so quiet is definitely a 180 for me. I'll keep it up...seems to be working.
Plus, I am learning more and more that the whole STFU is something I need to work on anyway, for myself.
So, I've had some interesting "texts" with H late yesterday and this morning. Just found out that he is talking to his mom again!!!! YAY! (It's been two months since he cut off contact with most of his family.)
His stepdad's mother (his Mamaw) has had cancer several times, in her brain, and it not doing well.
He kept wanting ME to contact his mom yesterday to see why she keeps calling him. I politely refused. I told him that I was not going to get in the middle of the thing with him and his mom, etc.
H's mom did let me know that H's Mamaw is not doing well...but I completely stayed out of their "fight".
I received several texts from him talking about how stressful his night was, etc. but I didn't ask for details.
He just now texted me and said that he'd had a long convo with his mom last night...and again, today, and seems like they are talking again.
He said a week ago that he would definitely not be going to Thanksgiving at his family's this year...and asked me to take the kids. Today, he said that he "might" be going.
Being so quiet is definitely a 180 for me. I'll keep it up...seems to be working.
Plus, I am learning more and more that the whole STFU is something I need to work on anyway, for myself.
Hmmm. This ^^^^ concerns me a little. What do you mean it seems to be working? A 180 cant be done as a ploy, A. If you have decided that you say too much and you want to weigh your words, that's great. If you are doing it to get a reaction out of him, not so good, right?
Good for you not getting in the middle of his thing with his mom. That is the right thing to do.
What I mean is that I have always talked a lot (can't you tell by how much I write? Lol.) I am very verbal...which is okay, sometimes....but sometimes, not so much.
I do feel like I talk so much that I do say too much. I also react first, say something, then wish later that I'd waited before I reacted.
I'm working on being still and quiet...thinking through things before I say them to make sure that they even need to be said.
It's not a ploy....it is truly something that I need to work on for myself.
I was just saying that it's a definite 180 for me. My sister, in a nice way, used to tell me that I talked too much. My H has said that I "overwhelm him with my words," especially when we're in conflict. And, he ends up just blocking me out.
Being less "wordy" in my relationships with others is a positive thing. By weighing my words more carefully, then what I say will actually mean more.
I have gotten more wordy in my old age, lol. I think for me it was a (not good) way of releasing the stress I was feeling in the moment. I have learned since then, except for today (see post about work, lol) how to think about what I am saying. Obviously high stress still affects me in spewing words.
But I've realized it is also counterproductive to actually getting your point across. It might feel better in the moment, but in the end if feels kind of sh!tty. Plus you may say things you don't really want to say out loud, once you've thought about it.
I think if your H could see this change, it would do wonders for your R. As someone once said to me, create a safe place for him to WANT to come and talk to you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I'm too wordy, too, Angela. I heard your "it seems to be working" as something for you. A way to cope by listening more and talking less, thus allowing more healthy interactions -- it didn't come across to me as a ploy.
But I liked the reminder from uRw not to use changes as a way to get our spouse back.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
As someone once said to me, create a safe place for him to WANT to come and talk to you.