I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

Hallo everyone! Hope everyone is enjoying their month of thankfulness. Thank you so much for your posts to me. It's difficult to get on here and do updates. I know that each of you are going to or have reached this point I'm at, and you will understand it is difficult to be here sometimes. I keep up on multiple sitches, but can't always write back. Most of the time that is because I have a constant shadow. More on that dude later.

Last year I posted on FB every day what I was thankful for. This was the most difficult period in my life, so far. H and I separated on Halloween, and the next day I started a series of posts about what I was thankful for. Each one was heartfelt. Each one meant something. Each one took about 15 mins to think about and write one or two lines. There were posts about my boys, about my parents, about God, and yes, there were posts about H.

I look back at those posts now, and I feel a need to get back there. A need to get back to that introspection and discovery of what is really important. And I know what I want. But that scares me to death, because I still can't control it. I can control the destruction of it. I can control the end. I think that's something to really look at there, for everyone. I'm trying so hard to be honest in these posts, because last year I needed that honesty. You need that honesty. But as you read what I'm going through, realize my thoughts and actions are two very different things.

November 2012. My world was completely rocked. I was six months pregnant. I had just discovered my H had a OW he was making out with like he was sixteen year old in a car wash, and nothing made sense. I knew he was dealing with some depression, but I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I hadn't read about MLC. I hadn't found this forum. All I knew was that I had a husband who I didn't know who we saw about once a week, three small boys with one more soon on the way, a full time job with an incredible amount of expectations and demands 24/7. Running kids here and there, four trips a day to the school, Dr appt, meetings, taking care of side jobs, holidays, divorce research, depression research. I don't know how I did it. I really don't.

I've cut my work hours in half and my baby is sleeping through the night, H is helping out a lot, and I feel like now I can barely keep it all together. Maybe the problem is I have a guy who is still in MLC who is latched on. And before I could drop a lot that had to do with him. His actions are there. His actions have been there for months now. He is honest with me, but I'm not asking questions. I'm not talking. And neither is he. And I feel like he is waiting for me to. I feel I have put myself out there so much, but yet he is still the one waiting to be rejected. He is the one who is worried that if he says it, I will take it too far and too fast. Mind reading? You better believe it.