Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[JuneReN]

I think your wife is going through an "aha" period.

I don't know if she realizes it or not, but it is manifesting as the poor me phase.

H has been there done that.

I think it shows some growth going on and a bit of a temp check from your W.

Clearing up how you feel about her presence during a family activity is a good start. Even better is the fact that you are good if she comes and good if she doesn't!

[AnotherStander]

Haven't been real busy with GAL lately, but still hitting the gym consistently, and I did go to a "float fly" (R/C planes equipped for flying off of water) Saturday but ended up not flying because it was so windy. Also went for a nice motorcycle ride. Oh, been playing The Last Of Us, very cool zombie apocolypse video game. D19 was in town and we went to see Ender's Game, we both read the book years ago. It was a great movie if you're a sci-fi fan!

D19 went to the "after party" for the haunt she was working at. She got a really cool plaque for being the "haunter of the year" on the trail venue

I met a 26-year-old and we got on the subject of WAS's. Her H left her 2 years ago with 2 babies (1 and 2 at the time). He took their only car, threw all her clothes and shoes away and dropped off the face of the earth. She's been living with a friend ever since and working whatever odd jobs she can find to survive. Still can't afford a car. A month ago her ex came crawling out of the gutter and decided he wants to be involved in the kids' lives now. Unbelievable!

AS, you are amazing. I wouldn't have known how to answer D10 either because regardless of what is going on, you don't expect that to stop. I am sure you will think of something brilliant for the next time he asks

Thank you for the vote of confidence He hasn't brought it up again, but if he does I'll ask him if she does nice things for him (which of course she does) and then tell him that's her way of showing love, that people show love more through their actions than through what they say.

I think your wife is going through an "aha" period.

It does seem like something is going on with her. When she dropped off S10 last night she surprised me by going for a hug, it's been a while since that happened. It was just a hug-your-friend kind of thing, but unusual.

I think it shows some growth going on and a bit of a temp check from your W.

It could be, although there's been no increase in contact (phone/ texting/ email) or any indication that her lack of interest in me has changed. She's just a little more upbeat and nicer, which could just be because she's done with her treatments. She also mentioned that she's gained a lot of weight, that her feet are hurting. She asked for this foam pad thing I keep in front of the washer/ dryer (she bought it pre-BD), it wasn't a big deal to me so I gave it to her.

Oh, way back early in my sitch I mentioned that my W had an enabler, a woman who was going through D herself (her H was a serial cheater). Due to a death in the family she asked if her S could ride the bus home with mine for a while, I said no problem. The first time she came by to pick him up she was like "woah, you're getting really big!" And I was like "and you're getting really tiny!" LOL! She looks amazing! She wasn't fat or anything before, more like "average". But WOW, she's looking like a model now, very fit. I have to admit the thought did cross my mind that it would be such sweet revenge to date W's #1 enabler, LOL! But no, I'm not going to go there

[BrightFuture]

AS, isn’t it something that you meat a lot of people who’s spouses wanted to come back after a couple of years or so. Maybe it is a sign .

I would have a similar thought about dating an “enabler”, haha, but would not go there also.

[JuneReN]

Oh, way back early in my sitch I mentioned that my W had an enabler, a woman who was going through D herself (her H was a serial cheater). Due to a death in the family she asked if her S could ride the bus home with mine for a while, I said no problem. The first time she came by to pick him up she was like "woah, you're getting really big!" And I was like "and you're getting really tiny!" LOL! She looks amazing! She wasn't fat or anything before, more like "average". But WOW, she's looking like a model now, very fit. I have to admit the thought did cross my mind that it would be such sweet revenge to date W's #1 enabler, LOL! But no, I'm not going to go there

*snort*

[sayitaintso]

I have to admit the thought did cross my mind that it would be such sweet revenge to date W's #1 enabler, LOL! But no, I'm not going to go there

My stbx's 1st affair partner(I think it was the 1st) was a neighbor and close friend of ours. His wife reached out to me a few times and wanted to get some revenge. I thought about it but declined also.

[AnotherStander]

I was talking to W on the phone a few days ago and asked how she's doing, she said she's been getting really scatter-brained and forgetful lately. She said she was driving with D16 on a road she's been on hundreds of times going to her house and she forgot to take the turn, then went blank and no longer knew where she was. She had to get D16 to tell her where they were and where she needed to go. It scared her that she just completely lost track of very familiar territory like that.

D16 shared the exact story with me later that day, and the details were the same. D16 also said she's told W several times that she's "crazy", and that one time she said it W broke down and started crying. D16 asked her why she was crying and she said because she feels like she IS going crazy.

I asked W what she thought was going on and she said the doc told her it was from the radiation treatments. I can't imagine why radiation targeted at the side of her breast would affect her mind though. I asked her if she was on any medication and she said yes, I asked her how long she would need to take it and she said 5 years!!! I did validate, telling her that it sounds frustrating and asking her if there was anything I could do. But I also suggested she describe it fully to her doctor to see if maybe a medication adjustment is warranted.

It may not even be the medication, who knows. It could be the menopause she's going through, or the radiation, or the meds, or some combination of those, or something else. One would think she'd start to realize that all of this stuff that's happening to her is not my "fault" since we've been S'd over a year and things just continue to deteriorate for her. But so far there's no indication that she's coming out of the fog in that respect.

AS, isn’t it something that you meat a lot of people who’s spouses wanted to come back after a couple of years or so. Maybe it is a sign .

I do like these stories but I find it extremely difficult to have any hope for my sitch. Whatever is happening to W is transforming her into someone else, someone who has no love for me or our history together. I don't think she'll ever be her "old self" again.

My stbx's 1st affair partner(I think it was the 1st) was a neighbor and close friend of ours. His wife reached out to me a few times and wanted to get some revenge. I thought about it but declined also.

ROTFLOL! Revenge isn't the answer, but it's fun to think about, heh heh! No I'm kidding, I don't feel any need for revenge against my W, I really feel bad for what she's going through. I wish there was something I could do, but it's her journey.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Hey AS

Been a while since I checked in on ya, well cause I already know your doing great with the situation. Not happy, but the interactions are always first rate DB success.

I certainly understand your thinking when it comes to "extremely difficult to have any hope". All you can do it wake up every morning take a few deep breaths, and get to work on life.

Any further news on the petition? Hows the kids holding up?

[swoop]

AS,

You stories of life, and how you are dealing with them are pretty inspiring. I still see so many similarities in our sitch's. I think a big portion of us here, have a lot of similarities. Seeing how you handle them, gives me hope that I will make it to the point where you are today. I'm getting there slowly. I just want to say thanks! You're doing great!

[littleGTO]

Hi, AS,

Long time since I've been here...out trying to live my new life and slowly survive divorce. Having two conflicting things happen at the same time is really a ride!!

Anyway, just stopping by to let you know I've been thinking about you and all my DBIng friends even though I've been AWAL for awhile!

Take care!!

-turtle

[S4tk]

I do like these stories but I find it extremely difficult to have any hope for my sitch. Whatever is happening to W is transforming her into someone else, someone who has no love for me or our history together. I don't think she'll ever be her "old self" again.

In the interest of facing reality, I seem to see this same thing in W sometimes. It's so strange that it happens at this time in life.