Hey K. Glad your meeting w/ W was positive. Good for you ending the meeting, even I was shocked by that lol I hope everything works out w/ the house situation for the best. Kudos to you to have been saving money since your teens, I wish I would have been so smart at a young age!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thanks Mimi, I'm really confused after the meeting with how to proceed. We are past the 60 day window for Texas for finalizing everything, so really all we have to do is decide who wants what and this can be over. I'm wishing I could look into my crystal ball and see if I just get the divorce finalized or keep DB'ing if I end up with the same outcome in the end. Of course I know this is really what we all wonder during the process.
Some of the things she said just seemed so weird and unrealistic to me. Such as, well once the house is sold, if we have furniture and stuff from the house we haven't been able to sell yet we can just get a storage unit. This from a woman who is pushing the divorce through, but that process of putting the house on the market and all that will be easily 30-45 more days. Why would we get a storage unit after that?? She is so confusing to me.
She also insists on keeping our joint checking account open. I'm perplexed by this as well. We each have our own individual accounts now, we don't need the joint, let's just shut it down. She said something about paying joint housing expenses and stuff out of it. I know I didn't do a good job of letting my face not react to this one, I could feel myself making a perplexed face. I was so confused why we would be paying for house things out of this joint account. *sigh
I saw a very attractive red head at church last night sitting by herself, and part of me wanted to go introduce myself, but being in this limbo is awful. Should I just get the divorce finalized so I can move on and she can feel free? Then if she chose to come back it would be because of how awesome and fun I am again, not because she's feeling the crunch of being on her own. I thought she tried to bait me into asking about her money problems a couple of times, but I didn't bite.
Any female insight on any of this?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I think you are letting you emotions run your thoughts a bit. We all do....so sometimes its best to take a few days to sit our sitch down, rest, then go back and look at things with new eyes once our emotions settle.
No one knows what's going through your W's head....but she may be scared of seperating from you financially until she's sure she can handle things on her on and that's why she wants to keep the joint account and make joint payments. I'm sure a vet can correct me if I am wrong...but as the WAS is that considered caking eating? Or would the right thing to do be to allow her that support until she feels ok? Again that's something you'd have to step away from you emotions to decide on.
Also I say simply ask for clarification if you want to know her reasoning...when she says thing like she wans to keep a joint account ask why she feels that would be best (in a way where she doesnt get defensive of course)? And then you won't have to guess her reasons.....based off of her answer you can then come to a decision.
I know we are supposed to validate our spouses feelings....but I think sometimes we confuse this with don't say anything at all and let them say whatever, whenever. Use the times you meet with her to practice relationship skills like better communication and compromise as well.
You said you'd like a crystal ball so you'd know if you should continue to DB....as we've all been told before, DB is really for us. If you weren't DBing how would you deal with you W differently during this process and is the who you'd want to be moving forward?
Whatever changes you make need to stick regardless of W....so if one day you do talk to the red head in church (lol) you don't repeat the same mistakes. There are so many on the forum who are on their second marriages, who DB'd previously, got positive results and then "backslid" bc the changes they made may not have truly been for them, only to get the spouse back. So make sure you are in this for you!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thanks for your insight Mimi. I wish I could just ask her what was going on in her head, but I know temp checking like that is rarely beneficial. So, I'm going to keep moving forward, not standing in her way, but not being an enabler either.
I'm planning to wash/wax/vacuum/have the tires rotated on her car before I give it back to her. I also plan to put two $25 gas cards in the center console so she'll be surprised when she opens it. I am taking the high road in all things through this process. I will be the better person through the whole process regardless of her actions. Perhaps killing her with kindness is one way of putting it, or in all things, turning the other cheek.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
So, I'm going to keep moving forward, not standing in her way, but not being an enabler either.
Quote:
I'm planning to wash/wax/vacuum/have the tires rotated on her car before I give it back to her. I also plan to put two $25 gas cards in the center console so she'll be surprised when she opens it.
I live in the house my W and I bought in Nov 06. Yes, there are memories about the house but they disappear pretty quick. Well, at least they did for me. It is my place now.
I agree. After S I did a little rearranging and bought new bedding and such. It's my house now. I've mentioned this in other threads, but after S I remember laying in bed, having a pity party about poor ol' lonely me having to go it alone in that big bed. Now I stretch out, hog all the pillows and love every minute of it, LOL!
So, I'm going to keep moving forward, not standing in her way, but not being an enabler either.
Quote:
I'm planning to wash/wax/vacuum/have the tires rotated on her car before I give it back to her. I also plan to put two $25 gas cards in the center console so she'll be surprised when she opens it.
Do you see how those two statements don't jive?
Yes, to an extent. I am being kind, and taking the high road, but perhaps I should just clean the car and give it back to her in the best condition I can sans gas cards.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Yes, to an extent. I am being kind, and taking the high road, but perhaps I should just clean the car and give it back to her in the best condition I can sans gas cards.
Yes! I know where you're coming from, I really tried to load the nice stuff on my W after BD. But I came to realize that all that just looks to them like pursuit regardless of how good your intentions are. And pursuit is just enabling their behavior, it's telling them "you're wronging me, but I'm going to keep right on waiting and even rewarding you for it."
I don't think I have shown that I'm waiting for her, but then again I have no idea how she interprets things. I'm trying to be as nice as possible without getting walked on.
Thanks for your insight.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
