You answered a lot of your own questions between the last 2 posts if you go back and read them. A lot of what if, then a bunch of this is why. Sounds like its time to sit down and set some goals for yourself, start small of course, you don't have to have a list ready in an hour or a day. Take your time.
I like to do that on occasion, go back and read my entire thread from the beginning, you will see how much you've changed over time. You will remember some of the feelings you thought and how at times you didn't know how you were going to get thru them, but here you are. It takes time, you'll see how time has helped you. Let time be your friend.
Whats some of the reading that you've done, or are doing? Maybe some of us that are a bit/lot further ahead of you can offer something else, something different? The reading is a great source, but it cant be all the same type. I'm sure you've done the typical "save my marriage" type stuff, but what else? How about just a good novel/story?
You know guys, I really appreciate all of the replies, some of which have been tough and that's cool. I had a bad day today. I was at work and was reading a forum from a father's support group - one of the posts said something along the lines of "trust nothing" "your wife is planning to take you for a ride", "protect yourself" "investigate everything" "Keep records and by all means snoop around when she's not home". Well unfortunately this got me to thinking...I'm a pretty smart man, a sucker for staying with the woman I love for sure...but a smart man none the less. Since the W is away for one more day and I've had that "feeling in my gut" that she's up too something I went ahead and did some looking around. It didn't take 10 minutes for me to find a box in her closet with Thanksgiving "love" presents to her girlfriend...love notes, gift receipts, empty jewelry boxes, concert receipts, and my favorite of all, a dozen CD's filled with images of them both - kissing, hugging, on the beach, in bed, etc. My other favorite find was a note to self - "should I file for divorce in NC - need 12 months separation...FL 6 months..I'll have to wait until December! Need liabilities and finance report, $3000 retainer!" A close third was another note about "what's mine is mine and what's his is MINE!" Yeah, so that pretty much seals the deal for me - the W is stringing me along, just as I thought, until she gets her FL residency and then she'll file in a no fault state and walk away with everything. I tried to be the nice guy...I believed it was my fault that she fell in love with her girlfriend. I believed when I caught them (7600 text messages in on month) and called them out it would stop. I believed that the trips I paid for where she went back to visit was just "for friends" and to "have the kids see their friends"..NOT. I believed she wanted to start over, be friends and get a new start. And then I looked at the cell phone records and stuff in the closet and realized I'm just a fool. Yes, I've tried to change myself, but in all actuality there probably wasn't much wrong with me. I could be a better father by being around more - which I'm doing and I can zero in on my W's love language because I probably just hit 5 out of 5.
The final straw was when I read a poem my W wrote to her girl...it mentioned "and when you asked if we could marry" "Of course I said" bla bla bla love me, love you, forever this, eternal that. So there's one more part that I'm sure you'll enjoy - NC has an "alienation of affection" law, of course I mentioned this way back when and it really scared my W and her girl...who would want to get sued for interfering with a marriage? Well lucky me the statute is 3 yrs and I only found out in March '13.
There's only two options here: Confront my W with my newly found and hard copied information and get a "post nump" OR Go to NC and file for a divorce and get custody of the kids I love that she so elegantly believes will be part of her new life.
I so give up, I tried and tried and when it comes down to it, I was the better man but common sense has to used here...not hope.
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
DTM. First of all I am sorry about what you found and you should definitely get legal advice about that.
I understand you're angry.
But it seems as though you are absolving yourself of any wrong doing just because of the things you found out about your w. Nobody here says that your w is a saint, but you definitely played a role in the downfall of your M. If you don't make changes, you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone in the future.
Best wishes to you.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
It didn't take 10 minutes for me to find a box in her closet with Thanksgiving "love" presents to her girlfriend...love notes, gift receipts, empty jewelry boxes, concert receipts, and my favorite of all, a dozen CD's filled with images of them both - kissing, hugging, on the beach, in bed, etc. My other favorite find was a note to self - "should I file for divorce in NC - need 12 months separation...FL 6 months..I'll have to wait until December! Need liabilities and finance report, $3000 retainer!" A close third was another note about "what's mine is mine and what's his is MINE!" Yeah, so that pretty much seals the deal for me - the W is stringing me along, just as I thought, until she gets her FL residency and then she'll file in a no fault state and walk away with everything.
Holy cow, I've read a lot of snooping stories on here but I have never read of anyone discovering a cache like that! I don't even know what to say. Very sorry you had to go through the heartache of seeing all of that. Certainly it sounds like she is stringing you along to get what she wants, she all but said that in those notes. We're all for doing everything to save marriages here, but we also fully support people in protecting themselves and their kids and I think with this trove of evidence it's time to lawyer up. I would take that whole pile to the lawyer and let them evaluate it. If you're not in a no-fault state then it would put you in a favorable position as far as negotiations go.
Quote:
And then I looked at the cell phone records and stuff in the closet and realized I'm just a fool.
You're not a fool for trying to work on your M. All of us here are working on our M's against incredible odds with WAS's that are totally done, many of which are involved in affairs of some sort. We work hard to make ourselves into the spouse only a fool would leave, and if they leave anyway, well then THEY are the fool.
Feel for you, DTM. Your options are indeed limited. Or so seems to me. Cheating is cheating, whether gay or straight. I can strongly recommend this publication: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf which was a big help for me, after my wife 'came out' to me. There are stages that we all have to go through. It's not your 'fault'. And her 'fault' is not being gay, but cheating on you. Destroying trust. My wife and I trying are still trying to make our marriage work, but I confess that part of me wishes that she would leave with another woman - which would free me to look elsewhere after years in a low-sex or no-sex marriage. But there's still a lot of love left, even if it's asexual...
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Thanks for the support....it was indeed a rough night. My hands were shaking as I took pictures and scanned documents for hours. I agree, my role in the relationship certainly had a part but you know what, I did make big changes. I took a new career path which was a huge difference in the time I had to give to my family and I of course realized that by me not being around much and just being a provider my W may have had a disconnect emotionally. I also recognize that although that sounds like reality...it certainly didn't appear that way to me...there was always love between us, hugs, kisses, snuggles, sex, etc....right up to when she fell in love with her girl.
This is her choice, she didn't break it off when I found out about it in March 2013 and in fact even though we have moved 700 miles away she is pursuing her girl like an 18 yr old teen.
The evidence that I uncovered is just the facts that she's not about to work on saving a marriage, she doesn't have one ounce of love for me....it's all about her taking what she can from me and starting a new life with her girl...she's playing me like a fool and I'm not going to sit back and let it happen. I will try to be amicable...but I have no idea if that is possible because she is just full of lies. I have more than enough damning evidence to prove to any court an ongoing affair and in NC they don't take that lightly.
I am also considering speaking to a FL lawyer to see if there is something we can draw up where my W doesn't get the farm and just walks away....that's about as amicable as I'm willing to be at this point.
Again, thanks for the support...I really believed that she would never do the things she's doing..but when I look back I can clearly see that I'm not a bad husband or father...I'm just not perfect, and that's ok because I always did my best and when I found out I could improve, I did. No one deserves this from their spouse.
Time to switch gears.
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
I'm too nice of a guy and I love my W even with all this BS.
Do I confront her in a sincere, unthreatening way with what I've found and discuss some options
OR
Go with giving her a bomb drop of my own with some legal paperwork.
She'll probably be scared to death that I found everything and copied it and will realize that with NC alienation of affection law both her and her girl are going to lose a legal suit........but she might just play me again like she did when she told me she broke it off the first time and then I'll end up in the same place. Legal action is probably the best choice to protect myself and my kids.
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
Do NOT tip your hand here, this is critical. Theres a lot more she could do before any legal steps are in place that could cause even more damage.
Take the first step, consult an attorney. Get his advice on how to proceed to protect yourself and your childrens future. He will best know how to proceed.
Your job right now...........KEEP QUIET, KEEP TO YOURSELF, TELL NO ONE. Act as normal as you can, and don't let on that you know anything until you can get the advice of your attorney.
Don't be vindictive right now, it will not help a thing. Please take care of yourself and your kids right now, and let that be your focus until things get reviewed.
Thank you for the advice...you're right, the time for being soft, sweet and nice is over. Quiet like a mouse until I get the ball rolling...she had enough chances to make it right.
I hate that it's come to this but she really isn't leaving me with any options.
I finished my snooping today...came up with more stuff right under my nose - her 2013 calendar sits by my computer...on her and her girls anniversary every month there is a heart, then just numbers, and then later it switches to words with meaning....right under my nose! Gotta love it.
Thanks again for the advice....got it.
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
DTM ... I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I agree that you should proceed with speaking with an attorney. I know that it [censored]. It is so hard to imagine how someone can treat another human being like this, with little to no remorse. While we would not do this to our worse enemy, they are ok doing it to the father/mother of their children, their former best friend and spouse. It just goes to prove that they are not in a normal state of mind. Your W will be consumed in her own world for a while. Protect your sweet children and yourself.
