I am in desperate need of advice. Any advice and 2x4s welcome.
Quick update: I had a conversation with H tonight about the holidays that led to a convo about marriage. I should not have let it go there but I did. It was bad. I tried to validate and stay strong but I broke down. For the first time I truly truly understand that H is done. He is gone and feels nothing for me. OW taught him that he needed something different in his life. He has not grown at all. H said he wants the best if both worlds. He wants time with the kids and family time with kids and me and wants to be single and continue his A. His says that our family time is the only thing he and I have left. Without it we will have nothing. H thinks that if we get divorced, we will still have family nights and he will just tell his new girlfriend or wife that she has to be OK with that.
Help: Should I change our current arrangements? I feel like H is cake eating and I am allowing is out of fear and desperation to save the M. The kids sleep at my house every night. H takes the kids on Wednesdays and Fridays alone. We hang out as a family on the weekends and have dinner together at least once on the weekend. During the work week, H will also come in the mornings 3 times a week to watch the kids while I work and will eat dinner two nights and we put the kids to bed together. H will take showers at the house, lay in our bed, and still act like it is his house. He will ask me to pick up things for him at the store if I am going. I am a people pleaser so I have a hard time saying no. Especially because it makes me feel needed by him.
I feel like I have two options:
1. Change the arrangments so that we are really separated. Have a set time with the kids. H cannot use our house like he still lives here. Have limited family time. This will allow me to detach much more easily. It will give a more realistic view of what life after divorce would look like. But it would give us limited time together to build communication. It will also make H angry because he would no longer get the best of both worlds.
2: leave things the same. H would continue to get the best of both worlds. We would get time together to work on communication. It will be much harder to try and detach. I will have to work extra hard on dealing with my feelings of bring a doormat.
Or is there some other option that I can't see? Please help me. I feel like we are at a big crossroad and I don't know what to do.
