Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[Mimi00]

You are funny Melissa... my H is the same...he sent me a pic of his apartment..tells me how he can't wait to decorate and how he's going on a road trip to a furniture store....I was to scream I DON'T CARE!!!!! But instead I say "sounds like fun..." lol

[melissag]

I am 99.9999% certain there is no OW. He has always been a family guy. Gets home from work at 6, doesn't go out very often. Even after BD, he spent almost all of his time outside of work with the family. A few weeks after BD we had a vacation that was already planned - I gave him an out and said I'd go myself (in fact I was at the time hoping he wouldn't go) and he still came. Since BD there has been no change.

Also, I have stopped snooping bc it's just wrong and makes me feel worse, but there has been nothing on text, phone calls, emails, twitter, facebook, linkedin etc. His FB photo is still one of the two of us. Even though he BD'd and moved out, he still has and is planning to do all kinds of stuff together. We take a martial arts class (all of us) twice a week together; we have tickets to sporting events and still all go; he had me over for dinner last night; we all go to S7's basketball games.

I won't say I am 100% sure because we never really can be, but I just don't think there is any way.

Finally, I don't think this was as sudden as I thought it was. We had these issues for a while, and while we both talked about how the other needed to do something (see how poorly we handled this?), neither of us really did. I was complacent, figuring we'd just magically work it out somehow; and he was going the D direction in his head. I had no idea, because, well, I guess either I didn't listen to him or he didn't communicate it as well as he thinks he did. But in any case, this was anything but sudden from his perspective.

[melissag]

Mimi, WTF? Why do they think we want to hear about their stupid apartments? I think I am going to let H off the hook here, and instead of assuming he is just a dumb ass who has no social skills, I will assume that I am just the best DBer on EARTH and I am SO convincing of how supportive I am of him and his needs that he thinks I am excited to see his new place and hear all about it!!

[melissag]

Thanks, GM. I agree with you that I don't have to do things I am not comfortable with . . . but for now I am. (If there was an OW in the place then heck no I would not go in there.) The reason I am is because I am pretty much uncomfortable with all of this, but I don't want to act on my emotion and fear, which is what got me here in the first place. I am trying to do the best I can to be happy and self assured, and even though right now some of it is faking, I do want to be the kind of person who doesn't have all these petty and jealous thoughts - so I am acting accordingly. If I am in a position where I really don't feel comfortable with something, I won't do it.

I so agree with you - H is unbelievably self absorbed right now. Before he moved, he was getting slowly but surely less self absorbed, and the night before he moved out we had a great convo where he seemed to be really starting to look inward. But then, he moved out. And now it's all about him again. My DB coach warned me that he would probably be like this for the first 4-6 weeks before the novelty (hopefully) wears off. I sure hope it does wear off!

[melissag]

Can I just throw a little tantrum tonight?

I am soooooooo pissed at H. I am so aggravated that I am sitting here at home having to take care of the house and kids by myself, with no help, no adult interaction. That I am the one they cry to that Daddy isn't here and I have to put them back together and he has no clue. That I still can't sleep more than a 4 hour stretch. That he thinks he is the coolest guy on earth right now, does whatever he wants, basically has zero obligations, and in his head has done (and can do) no wrong. GRRRRRRRR. Every time I see him (which is every day), I feel hurt and angry all over again when he gets into his car and goes to his stupid apartment and I go to our house that we are supposed to live in TOGETHER. I have done so much difficult work on myself (let me tell you, when you really look in the mirror it isn't always a pretty sight) and he's just living in the moment, doing whatever he wants, with no thought that maybe, just maybe, he had some role in how crappy our M got.

OK, I'll stop now. I know I have to be patient for these things to happen, and I am lucky that H wants to spend time with me and many others have it much worse. He has come around a whole lot since 6 weeks ago when he couldn't possibly divorce me quickly enough, and I should be happy about that, but boy is it hard not to be mad sometimes.

I do have to pat myself on the back that H has no clue that I am angry or hurt or upset . . . I have put on a pretty good face around him. Maybe too good. My coach told me today that I can let him know how hurt I am in certain situations - like when he yammers on excitedly about his apartment. I can say that really hurts me and I'd prefer not to talk about it. It probably isn't good if he actually thinks that I am perfectly fine and happy with all this. It's just kind of a fine line.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

Question. In a few weeks, H will take the kids the family trip that I planned (grrrrr), but since it's for his brother's wedding, of course he gets to go and not me. Should I be planning ahead for my children to have something nice to wear, or let him deal with that? If I prepare everything he will need, I feel like I am making life too easy for him, but I don't want to be mean or spiteful. I am having trouble figuring out where the line is between being mean and just letting him handle things on his own.

[KenF]

there will be many situations where you need to block out H and force yourself to think only of your children.

so in the case of the wedding, do only whats right for your children, without considering if it helps or hurts your H. If that means preparing everything for them, then thats what you have to do.

[lovethehub]

Yes, it is a very fine line. I like the idea of telling him that it hurts you, esp if you are getting along, having a good time together and you say it nicely. It lets him know how you feel but your other actions are also showing a loving, caring W to return to.

As for the wedding, you can either get them something to wear (we know how much fun it is to shop for dresses with our Ds!) or, just let H know that they don't have anything appropriate to wear and you want to give him a heads up so he has time to get them something. That way, he has to handle it but you aren't leaving him hanging at the last minute because he hasn't even thought about it.

[JuneReN]

For the wedding, I like the the idea of explaining the children will need clothes. Use that as an opener and see where it goes. If he offers to take them shopping then he does.

As for the apartment and being separated, even though we already had been apart M-F for the previous four years and even though H had brand new relationship, he still wasn't happy (he told me he expected to be happy when he left and four months later I was happy and he wasn't).

In my head I built up how wonderful everything must be, going out with Massage Girl and her friends, living on your own, weekends free!! No kids, no responsibility.

Turns out that none of this was really true. I was making up his life in my head, just like you are.

[melissag]

As for the apartment and being separated, even though we already had been apart M-F for the previous four years and even though H had brand new relationship, he still wasn't happy (he told me he expected to be happy when he left and four months later I was happy and he wasn't).

In my head I built up how wonderful everything must be, going out with Massage Girl and her friends, living on your own, weekends free!! No kids, no responsibility.

Turns out that none of this was really true. I was making up his life in my head, just like you are.

Thanks, K_P. It's funny, because I give myself free rein to believe that he is loving life and super happy, but I hesitate to allow myself to believe that he is not. I guess the point is I really shouldn't be trying to figure out how he feels because the truth is I have no idea, and it's just making me crazy.

[KenF]

many times when someone talks too much about how something is so good, its to cover up the truth. for all you know he spends his nights in his boxers eating ice cream out of the container.

not saying this is or isnt the case, but you cant put too much weight on what they say. in the same respect you dont show him the truth from your side.

not attempting to mind-read or not fantasizing about their lives will save you much self-created anguish in the long run. just continue focusing on yourself.