Thank you, it is a day by day process sometimes it is harder to resist the urge to reach out to him, but that hasn't worked well for me so I think I am just going to stay very quiet and dark.
I read on another thread to do what feels unnatural because what has felt natural to do hasn't worked. I am getting used to the uncertainty and uneasiness of being completely dark, besides it is what H asked for.
I have been living with the idea that we will never be together again and that he has moved on. While this isn't what I want it is an idea that I need to come to terms with because it is a very likely outcome. It seems easier building a life w/o H instead of making decisions influenced by the idea that "he may come home".
Right now in this moment I am doing just what I want to do, building the life I want, trying to decide who I want to be.
