Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

CP, you were so kind to respond on my newbie thread, so I wanted to come by and check out your story. It is great to read hopeful stories like yours, and I am so happy for you that things are looking up. I know you are probably terribly nervous about all of this, but it sounds like you are keeping a level head and doing a great job of making sure that you do it right. Hope things continue to go well for you!

Thanks melissag! You're right, I am quite nervous about this whole process, and my H is as well. Things do seem different for us now though, like something has changed, and he is no longer "playing along". I can tell he is more genuine now and we are getting to a good place.
-cp

[chasingpavements]

Slowly work toward getting him to be a more present Dad. Could you ask for a very specific thing, instead of leaving it open-ended? "H, I have an invitation for dinner with some friends, on Thurs night. Could you stay with the kids from 7-10?" And keep to the agreement-don't come home at 10:05 or 10:30. Be there at 10, thank him and send him home.

Thanks for your suggestions I agree, if I want things to change I have to be less vague about everything. I am finding it helps to spell things out and stick to it. I think he will meet my needs if I can state it politely.

We had another (calmer) talk and I expressed that I would feel less burdened by everything if he would help me after school by starting dinner while I did a bit of housework. So he will help me until about 5:00 and then head to his brother's.

For now he is staying over for dinner a few days during the week and usually one day on the weekend. It seems to be working well for us. We set up a bi-weekly date night with our babysitter on Fridays.

Things are moving nicely for us, and we are still able to have our alone time, and not rushing things. He told me that most likely he will be living at home by Christmas!! I was happy to hear that.

[chasingpavements]

Hi cp

We all have rough days. You'll be fine and you'll survive - you've come a long way already. And you're not alone in feeling resentment at being burdened with keeping the family going while your H is off doing whatever he wants to with no responsibilities.

Stay strong and keep up the good work you've been doing.

Thanks NQ

He is helping more now with the kids, but you are right, I feel like I carry a heavy burden because, since the kids are with me, I am responsible for making the household run smoothly and it is a lot to take on. Keeping track of the kids schoolwork and activities is a full time job! It sounds like you are quite busy as well. There's always so much going on.

[chasingpavements]

I am sure it is hard on both of you. I know being a single mom is and I have also lived in someone else's home and it is hard to relax and have any true space of your own. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is tell H that you realize how the situation is difficult for both of you and make a deal - he takes the kids on Thursday night and on Saturday evening, you will take them to xx and he can have the house to himself for a while. Let him see that you understand his perspective and situation, and that you care about what he said and want to meet his needs - and that you need your needs met too!

I agree and I do see his point of view. I don't think he has it the greatest either. I think he feels like he is imposing by staying over at his brother's place. He is trying not to spend a lot of money over there, he ends up eating bologna sandwiches every day and sleeps on the couch every night. I will have to figure out a way to give him some time at the house. Perhaps I can head to the library or children's museum with the kids once a week and he can have some time at the house. Figuring out something concrete like that makes it a lot easier.

[lovethehub]

Things are moving nicely for us, and we are still able to have our alone time, and not rushing things. He told me that most likely he will be living at home by Christmas!! smile I was happy to hear that.

It sounds like you are both putting a lot of thought into things and not rushing it yet not dragging your feet too much. This is exciting news. Keep on keeping on!

[jp787]

jp, it's hard but I am going to stop looking to him for little reassurances along the way.

Something my therapist and I talk about was that I seemed to say things to get reassurances from my W. That I would fish for them until I got something. Then for me it would last a while, but then I would be right back looking for more. It is not healthy to look for reassurances from others, not saying that someone giving reassurance at certain time for comfort isn't nice. For me it was almost compulsive/ codependent. Not saying you are looking for them like I do, just sharing.

[chasingpavements]

I don't necessarily look to him for re-assurances, however I do find my expectations get out of check once in a while and I have to remind myself that things are different now. I have been so emotional lately and that hasn't been helping. For example I might expect a hug from him at a time he normally does, and if he doesn't I feel a bit saddened, and I get that panicking feeling that he is no longer wanting to reconcile. I find I often have to re-focus and get back to my DB'ing and not get too ahead of myself. I don't want to lose everything that I have gained from DB'ing because I am moving too quickly or having too many expectations.

Today I caught myself thinking about him and overanalyzing things. I had a lightbulb moment where I remembered back to the old DB'ing days where I had to remember to focus on myself and that the world doesn't revolve around him. I have a life too, and need to be more independent. I always seem to put so much focus on him. I just want to enjoy life!

I get a little upset once in a while that things are not moving quicker, then I just rationalize that we are moving at the pace which makes sense for us, and it's good that we are not rushing things. I am actually quite enjoying my free time around the house where I can do things how I like to.

I think we are at a really good place right now. We are exploring our feelings for each other and things seem different between us. We are more affectionate now than we have been in years. It makes me wonder how I could have been so blind as to not notice this was missing for the past 10 years. I guess we had just gotten into a pattern of doing things a certain way, and we had stopped being affectionate and loving. It also makes me realize that I don't want to go another 10 years without it, that life is too precious to not live every moment to it's fullest.

H has been going to his counselor every week and seems to be enjoying it and getting a lot out of it. I ask him every so often how it is going, and he always surprises me by actually going into detail over what is going on.

In the beginning I was worried that he needed the counselor in order to decide whether to stay with me or not, but that doesn't seem to be the case based on what he has told me. His counselor gave him homework to figure out some rules about what to do differently in the future if things are bothering him about me and the relationship so that this doesn't happen all over again. I told him that I had been so worried about that. He hasn't come up with the rules yet, I'm sure that will be a discussion sometime in our near future.

It is true, I do worry that history will repeat itself. We got to this place largely because we were not able to communicate to each other our core needs and our resentments started building until we were enemies. I would ask him if everything was ok and he would tell me it was. I would ask if he loved me and he would say yes. I came to find out after the fact that it wasn't true. He was not telling the truth because he didn't want to deal with it, and he thought he was doing the right thing by "playing along". Truth is, I am scared to death of that happening again.

I asked him recently how I would know that he was committed to things because in the past he had told me he was playing along. I wanted to know how I could trust that the changes he was making were real this time. He jokingly said he wouldn't be doing all of this stuff right now if he didn't want this.

I asked him what made him change his mind to want to work on things again. He said that he had come to realize that I wasn't completely to blame for my trust issues with him, that he played a part in it as well, because through counseling he discovered that part of it was that he has not been able to bond with me and form that connection that would make me feel more secure. He shuts himself off from me. Since BD, he told me, he had not been able to get over that trust issue, but counseling has helped him. He also said that he realized that there was more there between us than he previously thought. That he really liked me and missed me.

Wow, this was supposed to be a short post! I guess there was more to write about than I thought. We have been having a nice time together the past couple of weeks. He has been helping out with the kids and making dinner for us in the evenings. He is still living at his brother's and he stays over here a couple of nights a week.

We are also 'dating' now once every 2 weeks. We've been going out for appetizers and going for walks. We were supposed to watch the big George StPierre match the other night but ended up watching the Leafs game instead. I'd like to try some new, fun exciting things to do on our dates, as I feel we have been in a rut of doing the same things. Anyone have any fun, new date ideas?

He has invited me along to a hockey game in a few weeks that most of his family will be going to, all of his brothers and their wives and his sister and her boyfriend. I haven't seen them since Father's Day! I don't even know what his family knows about our situation. I am guessing that people have drawn their own conclusions about us since I have not been to any family functions lately. I feel a little bit awkward about going, but to me this is a big step for us, that he is inviting me.

So things are good, and I just have to keep remembering, baby steps and keep moving forward. As my old DBing friend Fly would say, "Patience Grasshopper"

[FlyOnTheWall]

Ask as you shall receive..............encouragement!!!

Sounds like things are moving along great actually. Your husband seems to be really reaching out, at his own pace, which is huge from just a month or two ago. Where it was completely stagnant.

I don't see anything negative from him, only small positive steps, you just need to curb those expectations.

All you can do is put one foot in front of the other, right?

What is his LL? are you working that angle a bit?

The hockey game invite is HUGE!!!! HAVE SOME DAMN FUN!!!!
as long as your not playing my Pens that night anyways.

Just let him lead for a while, your doing it!! I'm so proud how far you've come, isn't it much easier than limbo? You have direction finally, you have some goals, you have some success. Don't let your mind take you backwards, you've worked so hard to get where you are.

As far as date night, I highly recommend completely new places for now, change of scenes, no old stomping grounds yet as you don't want him having some kind of trigger to memories past.
Discover some new places together, build some new bonds. You cant keep living off old memories, so make some new ones.

A cooking class together?, a dance class? It must really be starting to get cold up there, so limits a lot of what you can do outside. Is here any hobbies he's enjoyed in he past that you can get involved with?

Anyways, stay the course

Here's to continued success.

[Not Quitting]

Ask as you shall receive..............encouragement!!!

Sounds like things are moving along great actually. Your husband seems to be really reaching out, at his own pace, which is huge from just a month or two ago. Where it was completely stagnant.

I don't see anything negative from him, only small positive steps, you just need to curb those expectations.

I agree with Fly on this. Sounds like you’re doing great!

The hockey game invite is HUGE!!!! HAVE SOME DAMN FUN!!!!
as long as your not playing my Pens that night anyways.

Fly, I’m an Ontario girl as well but the Pens don’t have anything to worry about from the Leafs – and I have to confess that I’m a Pens fan as well thanks to my son despite growing up with the Leafs.

Here's to continued success.

I agree with this as well. Keep up the good work CP!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Fly, you have truly helped me so much. You helped me find strength in myself when I thought there was none left. I have made it through the limbo!!!!!!! (dance of joy)

I think the hockey game is big too. Ok.. I will have some damn fun!! it's just an OHL game though, not the Leafs :P
Pens fan eh.. we drove all the way down to Pittsburg a few years ago to see the Pens vs Leafs..

His LL is Acts of Service, big time. And I notice that lately he has been doing little acts of service for me here and there. We are both starting to do nice things for each other like getting coffee in the morning. I got him his favourite chocolate bar for his study break the other day. I think he really likes it when I do things like iron his clothes, etc (which I never do, but I imagine he would like) hehe. I will have to think of some more things to do. What he really wants is for me to leave the house with the kids for a few hours so he can relax here.

I agree with you about date night, I want to try some different, new, exciting things. Before we did the exact thing every time, ran a few errands while we had a babysitter then went out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Or we would go for wings and beer. I want to mix it up a bit!! Maybe go see a comedy show or (eventually) go for a weekend away to Niagara Falls or on a wine tour. Don't think H would go for a dance class.. although I would absolutely love that!

It would be nice if we could get into some sort of hobby together. We used to play volleyball together, until we had kids and now I don't play since I need to stay at home with the little ones.