You're doing great. Seriously, your kids are so lucky to have you right now while mom is outta commission.
Try to tune out the spew. I know how hard this is. I believe guilt is probably the driving force behind the venom. But, that's no your problem. You are being a parent. Nothing to feel guilty about.
Quote:
Bottom line: I have had a great weekend with my boys. I've met wonderful new friends at church. I have been really practicing listening skills with these new friends as well.
Be very proud of yourself.
Hang in,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks Heather. I feel really great about my weekend. All day Saturday devoted to sports and dedicated most of Sunday to S10 and my own PMA. BTW, S10 couldn't keep his head and hands off me during church service. Wanted my arm around him, wanted to lay his head on my shoulder, wanted to hold my hand and play with my wedding ring. Very affectionate. W has always complained that I have no relationship with him. I beg to differ at this point. JFun version 2.0 gets a lot of hugs and spends a lot of emotional energy on both his boys. I can honestly say I've never felt better about my boys.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Please dont try to figure out why she is acting a certain way. You will hurt yourself. LOL!
Yea, after setting a boundary, the MLCer is often angry and spins for a bit. Not your problem.
She is depressed, J. And she feels as if she is swimming in mud. But, there isnt anything you can do to fix that.
Now, you said you couldnt help it, you had to ask if she was ok. But the truth is, you could help it, right? You are in control of you.
And when you keep asking her that, you will keep pis$ing her off. So, stop that, ok?
The spewing is going to happen. What makes the difference if your reaction to it.
And that should be no reaction. Remember you need to be unaffected by her words or actions. Because trust me on this, no matter what you say, she is going to be angry about it. \
It's the nature of the MLC beast. The sooner you learn that you cant tame it, the better off you'll be. And that means detach, detach, detach.
It is possible to do that with an in home MLCer. You treat her like a neighbor. You wouldnt ask a neighbor all the time is they were ok, right?
She is all over the place because she is in crisis. Best to let her walk her journey, J. Your job is to get out of the way.
I'm taking the day off Tuesday to try to nail down all the financial things. Going to the bank, calling every number I can find on bills, going to insurance agent, etc. She will be pi$$ed, but she hasn't been paying anything. I'm just going to get everyone I can to call my cell instead of the house or her cell for anything. Can't afford to have a house foreclosed on, a car repossessed, or insurance cancelled.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
WTF? I'm being an active parent and doing things with my boys and she resents it. I guess I'm getting into her territory of just "handling it." Maybe she thinks I'm trying to replace her, or root her out, or get them on my side for impending D. Of course, trying to make sense of her actions is useless at this point.
Yes, gotta stop mind reading. Herding cats, my friend, herding cats is a better use of your energy.
FWIW, here are some things that W has said as she's come out (and in some cases while within):
-mad at me because NOW I step up more -jealous because I CAN handle everything, even with this "situation" on my shoulders and she can't -jealous/angry because I am seemingly happy in the midst of this sitch and she's not. -jealous/angry because I'm not sinking into depression, I "should be", right? (hey, some depression has been there, but "acting as if" covered it well enough, and like heck if I'm going to tell her that, especially during the anger stage, yup, that goes/went in the "begging, pleading" bit bucket) -jealous/angry that life is continuing on though she is not there, she's not "needed"... -jealous/angry [insert any item here].
So, two homework assignments: -read other sitches, and the archives and learn as much as possible about the anger stage. I believe your W is going there shortly, in fact, on her way there. Prep, knowledge, is power. And fasten your seat belt, and those of your kids. I hope I'm wrong, but with having to have the $$$ talk rather soon...just sayin'
-Now, about being "SuperDad"...tough question here, no offense meant...but are you doing ANY of this extra to "show her"? To score keep? Etc. It's normal to do so initially, I did, especially after all the accusations, spew, etc. It's okay if you are a bit. This is one of those areas that getting to the truth of your motives, 100%, is very valuable in getting to the real you, the better you that is there waiting to be unleashed. But I am asking YOU to ask YOURSELF the question, and answer it with blunt honesty.
The red pill isn't always fun, but all so, so, worth it.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Being Superdad has been incredibly fulfilling. I'll freely admit that being less than involved was one of my weaknesses before BD. More so than trying to keep score with W, it's more about changing that part of me that I didn't like. It has been very rewarding. The boys will do chores pretty easily when I ask and we've gotten along great. I think that's one thing that is really upsetting W. Like you mentioned, I can handle things that she has always done. I'm not trying to one up her or show her that she's not important. I am truly enjoying becoming the dad I should have always been.
I guess I better do done more reading. I think my eyeballs are going to pop out from all the threads I have read through on here. This community right now is an oasis in a desert of crap that is my M. More anger coming? I guess that time of living together as friendly roommates is gone. Oh well, no one said this was going to be easy.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Today, I took S12 to a college football game, then to buy shoes for basketball season. W acted pissed that I was taking him. Said something about taking him herself to get shoes. I told her I would call/text when we were leaving and we could meet her and S10 to do that.
We left the game early because it was a blowout. I tried to call and text W with no response. Finally, got S12 to try and after 3 tries, she finally answered him. She was no longer interested in meeting us and said to get whatever he wanted. I sent her a pic if one pair of shoes he was looking at because they were the same ones I know she had already purchased him for Christmas. No response. During the whole shopping trip, she is texting S12 on and off.
First off, she was pissed...
She told you this ?
Or you assumed that she was ???
Secondly, you are still trying to "fix" things....
You had your SuperDad cape on, and it got caught in the spokes of your uncertainty-cycle, and ripped off...
Stop looking toward her, for your answers. She doesn't want to be included, then don't try to include her.
THAT will pizz her off more...
You SAY that you have it handled, yet you still contact her for her answers too...
Be one, or the other...
Actions matching the words J...
Or same ol, same ol...
Originally Posted By: JFun51
Finally agree to meet W and S10 for supper when we get back to hometown. Throughout the meal, she is cold and distant with me. Every bit of eye contact has an edge to it. Zero interaction with me.
Stop with the guilt...
She DIDN'T want to be there, you let the kids contact her when YOU knew the answer....
And while you are stopping the guilt....stop with the judgement too...
MLCers can smell fear, and judgement...
Originally Posted By: JFun51
Fast forward to home. Straight back to her room while I watch TV in living room with S12. I fall asleep on the couch and come up to bed around 1am. W is still up, phone in hand. She asks if I'm going to bed and gets up to oh downstairs. *Respecting the boundary. * I get up to go downstairs to get a glass of water and she is sitting oddly next to the table where I keep my phone at night. W immediately says "I'm not looking at your phone." A lie. I get my water and proceed upstairs.
Did you go down to get water ??
Or did you really go down, to see what she was doing ???
If I were a "betting" man, I would bet on the second one...
No running water upstairs ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
Mistake: I couldn't help myself. I asked if she was OK and if something had happened the last 3 days. I get "I'm done". I ask what that means and why the sudden change to zero communication and I get "I don't want to talk to you. I have nothing to say to you. This isn't about the last 3 days, it's the last 10 years." WTF? I calmly stated that I understood and that she had expressed that already. I assured her that I was trying to clear up why there was zero communication over the last few days. I get "I don't want to fight. I've got nothing to say. I will talk to you tomorrow if you want me to." I left her down there and came to bed.
I don't believe that...
You COULD help yourself. You knew it was a mistake, and you did it anyway, because it is easy to tell yourself, that you couldn't help yourself...
Originally Posted By: JFun51
It's hard to detach from the BS when they are in your face stomping you all the time. Not sure what's going on, but I had a great day with my son. I'll get up in the morning and walk to church with S10 and gave a great day with him. Frustrating. Not sure how to proceed with the financial discussion at this juncture without creating more venom. I'm assuming I'm getting this crap because I went out of my way to do something cool with S12 that didn't involve her and he was really excited about it. Best I can figure. Oh well. More MLC BS. Sad.
It's NOT hard to detach when you are straight up honest...
It is hard to detach when you can always find an excuse to not do better...
And the last line always gets under my skin...
When you say that, you are putting the whole thing on her shoulders, which isn't fair to her for these interactions.
What was YOUR role in all of this ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
One more thought. One if my good friends lost his father last night. W did bring that up to me as we were going into eat tonight. He lives 2 states away and we both saw it on FB this morning. I said I had seen it and that was end of conversation. Maybe that has triggered something in her today. IDK. I just know the last 3 days have been real different. I haven't gotten this type of spew in a while.
You know J, I just gotta tell you something. When I read you, it comes across as kind of you seeming to feel a bit superior.
Almost as if, when you are recounting about your kids, that you are scorekeeping a bit.
As I said, it's how it reads. And you dont want to feel that, right?
The thing about being a good dad is...you just be one without thinking about it.
Listen, this detaching stuff is hard, but, it is only as hard as you make it.
You are reading into what she is feeling. Dont do that because you cannot possibly know.
I'm thinking, is she isnt answering her phone, then, she isnt answering her phone. Oh well, not your problem. You were buying shoes with your son. You are his father. Just pick the shoes with him. She doesnt want to be involved, not your problem.
Because the thing of this is that you arent hearing her. She doesnt want the marriage right now. She isnt interested in hanging with you right now. But you keep reaching out to force her to.
Every time I think I'm making progress, you guys are here to slap me in the face with reality. Thank you.
I am still letting her actions influence mine.
I am still trying to make her want to be married to me.
I am still worried about her reactions to my actions.
I kept telling myself Saturday to just handle it. Don't even fool with her after she didn't answer. I just couldn't follow through. I was worried she'd be pi$$ed if I didn't include her.
UR-You are probably right in that I need to get over my superiority feelings. Roles have been do reversed in our R at this point. I guess this is how she has felt for a long time.
Thanks for a dose of reality this morning. I will now get off my high horse, take off my cape, and get back to living.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
