Basically she's telling you she's really done. You have to respect that, let her know you understand, and give her space. Doesn't mean things can't turn around. Time is on your side, and there's plenty of time left.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY-thanks for the advice. Just trying to figure out what in the world has triggered this sudden development. We've been "getting along really well" according to W. Going through day to day like a real family just nothing between the two if us. All if our interactions have been normal and hospitable like friendly roommates. Strange. Of course, I shouldn't expect anything else.
I woke up this morning with a calming realization that if she were to pack up and move out today, everything would be OK. I'm worried about my kids, but not me.
I think maybe I'm getting there with regards to detachment.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
LOL. She's telling you she's really done. Nothing to say, nothing to do, it's "always" and "forever" and "the last ten years." Does that seem true to you J? Just asking.
Oh, she may "want" to be "done" so she doesn't have to face it any longer. But I doubt she is anywhere close to really done with the feelings etc. She may leave, run away, and tell you how happy she is and how she's done. How she's moved on.
In the end, it will be you that has to leave, J. Not the house, but her. If you ask me, she is dealing with your positive changes and distancing/detaching you are doing. This is new to her. Checking on your phone was the indication I saw that she wants to figure out why her favorite punch toy is no longer available for her berating and punching.
In other words, you are moving away from her and she is dealing with that (loss of control?)
As for the finances, don't wait to sort that out. In her state of mind, she'll smile to your face and take all the money or run up the debt thinking you deserve it. You don't and you don't want things to interfere with you taking care of the kids. Part of the distancing is to unwind the financials in a firm yet kind way as well.
To me, this is the time to be most on your guard and to keep your boundaries firm. Be careful what you talk to your friends about on your phone or via email/fb etc. She'll be watching. Looking for something to say, "See! It's his fault"
Stay the course and keep focusing on you. And try not to set a boundary you aren't willing to die for. You are doing great at giving her space and time and letting her make her own decisions. You can't really do any more than that nor should you in my opinion.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Currently enjoying breakfast out with S10. We are enjoying smiles and a great time out before Sunday school. W did come to bed last night finally. Not long after the spew. Weird again as she seemed happy and talking sweet to me and the dog. This morning talked to me like normal and asked why we were up and getting dressed so early. Just told her that me and S10 were going to go grab a bite before Sunday school. I didn't invite, didn't concern myself with whether she wanted to go or cared what I said or did.
Was met with the most beautiful smile from our waitress this morning. This young lady could have been upset that she was working in a minimum wage job on Sunday morning, but she chose to be friendly and smile at both of us genuinely. I went out of my way to compliment her and thank her for it. Lots of perspective this morning.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I think you're getting a reaction to the changes you are making. Maybe things are going too well and that's the reason behind her being "done." It all makes sense in the land of OZ.
AJ, I need to remember this. What a great reality check. The "I'm done" cliché gets me everytime. I don't think it will anymore. Very cool.
Quote:
LOL. She's telling you she's really done. Nothing to say, nothing to do, it's "always" and "forever" and "the last ten years." Does that seem true to you J? Just asking.
Oh, she may "want" to be "done" so she doesn't have to face it any longer. But I doubt she is anywhere close to really done with the feelings etc. She may leave, run away, and tell you how happy she is and how she's done. How she's moved on.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
"Done" is how they think they feel now. Or in my W's case, "Never truly in love with you". We all know feeling can change. They already have at least once! Bust On JF!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I agree, they are ALWAYS done, and it's always forever and for at least 10 years (38 in my case ) Hang in there, W may think she's done but she apparently still has to bake a bit longer. We have two bumper stickers now JFun, as per Heather this morning
Bust On! It doesn't matter so STFU!
I'm liking that second one a lot
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
It's great to know that my W is not the only one who has ever come to the realization that she's "done." I guess there is a manual that they all read before they drop this crap on us.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Crazy day. W and S12 barely made it to church today, them they went to eat lunch after service. S10 and I went home because we were still full from breakfast. W came home and went straight to bed.
Full day for me: -Took S10 to breakfast, Sunday school, and service. -Moved in a new dryer and moved out old one. Up stairs and all. -Swept and dust mopped entire house. (Just tired of looking at it) -Played basketball with S12 for an hour after raking portion of back yard. -Ran 3 miles. -Washed, dried, folded 4 loads of laundry so far. -Took S10 to Christmas play practice at church.
Very active parent today. All the while, W is in her room asleep/whatever alone.
Here's the fun part: When I walked into MBR to get my things to take S10 to practice, I get venom about doing so much. She spews that "She can handle it." I calmly said "It's no big deal, I told him I'd take him. I'm up and ready." I get "Of course it's no big deal. Just like taking S12 to football game and shoe shopping yesterday was no big deal." Dripping with venom and hatred.
WTF? I'm being an active parent and doing things with my boys and she resents it. I guess I'm getting into her territory of just "handling it." Maybe she thinks I'm trying to replace her, or root her out, or get them on my side for impending D. Of course, trying to make sense of her actions is useless at this point.
Bottom line: I have had a great weekend with my boys. I've met wonderful new friends at church. I have been really practicing listening skills with these new friends as well.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
) Hang in there, W may think she's done but she apparently still has to bake a bit longer. We have two bumper stickers now JFun, as per Heather this morning