Thank you, Busting. I agree with you about the coach, and I am right there where you were being consumed with what H is doing and thinking. Yes, I have accepted that it's hard, but I think I am still wishing it wasn't. I am having trouble accepting what is staring me in the face, that he is gone and he is creating a life for himself in his new place. I am struggling to find a mindset that allows me to continue being hopeful, but not have expectations, and accept that this is the way it is for now. Sometimes I think of it as a good thing, because really in some ways it is - it's a chance for us to each figure ourselves out and hopefully that will help us in the future to have a better relationship (he has said as much himself, though he has left that relationship open - could be friends, could be more). But that's still really hard to swallow right now. I think my wounds are just too open. I hope that with time each interaction will get a little easier and I won't feel so on edge all the time. It is sad because we had such a good rapport and we were in such a good place before he moved . . . I guess it's only been 4 days, so I should give it time and be patient.
So H just dropped off the kids. He came in to get a few things, then chatted with me in the kitchen for a few minutes. He asked how my weekend was and of course I said, "it was good!!" with a smile, even though I wanted to scream at him to stop this BS and be my husband again. He said his weekend was good, except that he was ready to strangle the kids by the end of it. Which is funny because all he did all weekend, as far as I can tell, is buy them things, feed them crap, and let them do whatever they wanted. My D9 didn't do any homework or take any showers. I wonder whether they brushed their teeth. It's just funny because he is in such a selfish place right now that I don't think it even occurs to him that I have them all the time on my own and I have to make them do the unfun things, and make them go to bed on time and have rules and structure (more rules than "don't fart on Dad.") He just has no appreciation for it at all.
Anyway, he kept talking about his apartment this and his apartment that - does he think I want to hear about that? Is he just an idiot, or am I doing *that* good a job of being happy around him that he doesn't think it crushes me when he talks about it? Sigh. So he hugged me twice and then off he went to go install his lights in his fancy new place. I will see him tomorrow afternoon as we all do a martial arts class together. I think by then I can get some good PMA going and be happy - it's easy to be happy when I get to punch and kick things!
I think that he is probably feeling pretty awesome right now. He has a cool new apartment, his kids idolize him, his sister was here all weekend so he had fun, I am being ultra cool about everything and hey, if he gets tired of his exciting new life he can always come back to me. Life is grand for him right now - there is nothing pushing him to take a deeper look at himself or what he's doing or his contributions to the demise of our M.
I just wonder how many months (years?) it will take before the novelty wears off and he starts to become a little less self centered. If ever. Sigh.
I think I need to go read the piecing forum and look at the dates so I can remind myself what a long road this is going to be. I sure hope it gets easier because I feel like the past six weeks has taken 15 years off my life.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
