Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[25yearsmlc]

So the work madness of the last week is finished, and the next weeks until Thanksgiving should be calmer, plus EE is happening again, and I am going to help out!

This will be a great experience for you in several ways. For one thing, you'll be GIVING BACK to someone and that will help you in your r with d.
Plus it's a refresher course/booster for YOU, imo.

At team meetings, share your wishes for a better R with d.



I need to figure how to be a good dad to my d15, especially when I am often so far away.

I know this is THE biggest issue for you. Makes sense. So let's think about it.


Time when you are there at/near, spent with her is something you can work on. I mean, aren't you sometimes able to work from home? That sounds like a real opportunity for keeping her company. What things did you two used to do, before your w seemed threatened? Can you renew some?

Now, I worry a bit that you'll get into your head and worry and fear

what your wife might say or do.

But see, I don't care what she does or says b/c it's NOT relevant to YOUR fathering.

(Can you honestly imagine your w askign YOU for advice or consent to HER spending time with your d?)

However, assuming YOU DO worry about it, let's review some words you might say to your w if needed.

Obviously only if they feel authentic to you.

You can reassure your w that "this isn't a competition" which she probably needs to hear. She may laugh that off but it bears saying and possibly repeating.

Plus it's not as if you could "Steal" your d away from her anyhow, and nor would you want to. You're not that type of man, thank God.

If she says more critical or crazy or rude things, STOP HER cold.

Say something like "Stop talking to me that way. I'm her father and it's about time I stop stop being undermined by someone who SHOULD be supporting our d having a relationship with BOTH parents".


(Luke, you MUST NOT tolerate anymore disrespect from your w OR d, but you can handle them differently.)

and or try telling your wife

"We BOTH need to parent our children & I'm not going to quit OR be shoved aside or undermined....anymore"

AND OR

"I do NOT undermine your parenting. Do not undermine mine. It's unfair to me AND it's unfair to our d."

"WHY do you insist on dividing this family? Don't you see how destructive it is to HER, not to mention me? It's VERY unfair and very unkind of YOU."

Luke, you DO have to say things to your wife. She's a lousy mind reader when it comes to you. And she is NOT fair or kind to you. She's been divisive as heck to your relationships with your children as she moves to separate and abandon you. SHE can do that with the marital r if she insists.

But not to you as a father. Only a fool would be blind to the damage this causes her children.

She cannot put her anger or frustration with her own life (or with you) ahead of the benefits and love You have for your children.


Besides, you have to say things b/c your silence has been interpreted as apathy or consent, for nearly a decade.

Is that what YOU want to "say" to your daughter? It's all she has seen for the bulk of her "waking" life...

isn't it time for your d to KNOW how you feel and not have to guess or assume or view you thru her mother's eyes?


When you two do talk with your d, try asking open ended questions. instead of "do you have homework?" You ask "What homework assignment do you have that's most/least interesting? Why?"

AND ask follow up if it makes sense. If you get a one word answer, follow up. Maybe say "oh, how so?" You are also allowed to tell her stories or observations. You have seen some cool places Luke. You've done some interesting things. It's GOOD to talk about them.

Get to know your d and let her get to know you. Just takes time AND PATIENCE.

Do not measure it on a weekly basis. MAYBE a monthly basis but do not take the temperature too often...

Remember her friend's names. LISTEN when she speaks of them. (my h is not great with names of any kind, except long Latin medical phrases...but it drives my kids nuts. For them it's a symbol of disinterest, which is sad.

I know you want some quality time with her. But it may have to start with some more quantity, upon which you can build. That may mean having her invite a friend along.

Often, friends feel like buffers to discomfort. So, IF she seems uncomfortable doing something at first, let her bring someone with her.

Also can you schedule (but not necessarily tell her so) a small task or routine thing with her that you two do alone, such as the grocery shopping, her purchases of some regularly needed item? Or check out transportation. Driving her somewhere (or taking the train with her?) is a common opportunity for meaningful communications.

Seriously, when I pick up my d16, she shares more with me than other times. Maybe the fact neither of us are making eye contact (which is usually needed) actually makes it easier or feels like less pressure, and she shares more with me...

I do know the few bombs she has dropped on me were mostly shared in the car.

Is there a way for you to insert yourself into your d's life subtly? Like being the one who "gets the music scores" or "picks up the X" and bring your d along. If it feels awkward, and it might at first, then start with small short chores or errands.

And then of course, the not so subtle ways. Like a "dinner with dad".

Do NOT ASK your w about it or for permission.

Just suggest it one night to your d. Let your d choose WHICH night, NOT whether she'll go.

Why even involve your w if not needed? And You don't have to tell anyone you PLAN on making it a regular thing, just do it.

You're her father. Not a boy asking her or your w for a favor.
And you're a good normal warm man with interpersonal skills that are JUST FINE.




I feel so empty sometimes, without much to give her beyond my good wishes and love (and of course material stuff), and this 'I love you so much but have nothing to give you' rips me apart.

LUKE

What do you think fathers give? Guidance, time and support and love. You can give these things. You want to and you are fully capable of it.

Time to own that.



Perhaps I could tell her about EE, but this seems like it sets her between my W and myself, which doesn't seem fair to her, plus isn't telling her about my issues unfairly imposing on her?

You are ALLOWED to discuss EE. NOT your "issues" but the workshop itself.

You can share issues NOT related to your m. Surely you have some (like with your dad? or work or anything OTHER than your w?)

If so, Why would it harm anything or anyone?

Does your wife mock it EE? And if so, do You think staying silent makes that better? You think NOT talking about EE somehow helps your cause?

It does not. Stop letting fears keep you silent. you are NOT well served by that.

You SEEM to think "no conflict for THIS minute" is better than "long term distance and feeling empty".

Re-examine that^^.



The NYT column by Charles Blow today pointed out that we have to let go of our kids too, so making getting friends and maybe a new W even more important. Life isn't easy, I guess. Luke

No one said life is easy. Scott Peck says it up front. "Life is difficult".

But when we learn to see that the "work" we do in our life IS how we live it and learn to take more joy in it

more joy in our connections with others, we live well. We live more fully.

And God YES your d would benefit by seeing you happy and showing love for someone who returns it.

What is she learning by your behavior now?

I don't see what you have to lose.

I say Go for it Luke.