THINK LIKE HARE MOVE LIKE A TORTOISE

[Ambivalent]

Hey Job,

I'm actually pretty busy, I just don't enjoy it . I'm out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday eves. Sunday's are school. So I actually do get out, I'm just not into it right now. I take myself to movies and go to the gymn daily, work Fridays and Saturdays,too. I'm going to add Sat. eve. services since I'm at school on S's. Because I'm out of the house so much I like the rest at home.

I have wonderful pets and since they were raised with someone at home all the time, I need and desire to be with them the rest of the time.

My daughters are in a county away, and right now they remind me of what is missing.

I'll get through this, it is just going to take time. Also, I have another week at the new dosage. If it doesn't help, I can up it once more.

I am DB'ing, it just feels odd with him coming over so much more. I know it's an opportunity to practice and listen...and I'm doing it. I'm also not sure I'm going to like the guy he becomes.

I mean the concerts, casino's , magnetic stud, more drinking, is just not something I'm attracted to. I hope this is just him trying on new personas and he will eventually discard them. It really looks as if he is doing the "surround yourself with youth" thing.

I know when I'm surrounded by youth, they seem so shallow to me. Not all, but I've always been drawn to emotional maturity. Now I don't me anold farts, just someone one can talk with and share the history I've lived.

When I played tennis I did enjoy the multiple ages. It was refreshing and interesting too. But young people in a party environment is not my thing. I believe it is also just ODD to be my age and want to hang with those who are twenty years my junior.

Many of the young ladies at school are fabulous, but I'm not going to clubs, casinos and concerts with them. I would do it occasionally with my husband if asked, but not a regular thing.

I'd rather do things. Camp, hike, dance, go out with couples closer to my age, paintball, hunt, sled, picnics. I'm actually interested in many activities, and when I get through this I'll throw myself into them.

It is a lot that I go dancing. It does allow for touching and close proximity to people while being in a large crowd. The music is upbeat and happy, while the exercise is fantastic. It takes me a great deal of effort to get myself there. I pay for all the classes upfront so it forces me to go. Once I'm there, I do enjoy learning.

He was working from home for the past seven years and my daughter was around too. So to go from constant presence to naught is a huge adjustment. Funny, it used to drive me crazy to have him around all the time , for we didn't usually have such togetherness. So I've gone from constant companionship to zero, with him boomeranging back and forth. It does pose such a challenge for detachment.

Oh well, I have gone from it's been six months to it's only been six months. So I guess that's a good sign (:}.

Being out of the home and with others really doesn't distract me much anyhow, for I'm in my head a lot these days. Not always pining for him.

I've discovered I was actually more detached while in my active marriage, and now it has made me realize that I didn't allow myself to really attach. I believe I did this to protect myself from pain. I guess I loved him more deeply than I thought. I just didn't allow myself to cleave unto him.

I'm also dealing with a lot of guilt for my part in this. For causing him such pain. This is about our intimacy and allowing it to go untended. I was hurt a great deal by him, and rather than say it matter of fact, I stuffed it. I didn't want to hurt or be discounted. It apparently caused a lack of libido on and off .

So this is painful in many many ways. I need to really think about what I want. It scares me and I feel very uncomfortable with the feelings that come and go. I understand that he needs to go through this, I do. I'm torn between knowing and not wanting to know.
By knowing some of the things he's doing I don't feel so disconnected . And on the other hand, by not sharing what I surmise, I'm giving him the gift of doing what he needs and to come to his own decision based upon his feelings and experiences; without having to look me in the eyes and feel as if he can never come to me.

He would see the pain in my eyes and he can't deal with this at this time. It would drive him away, it has been his pattern from the beginning of our separation. I didn't beg or plead, but I did weep for the pain I had caused him. I don't want to do that in front of him right now.