Where am I at?

[Icecoldw]

I can see where in the past I have failed to meet her needs. I quit trying. There was a time I would give her compliments and she would blow them off or not believe them after awhile I got frustrated and quit. I tried to tell her it frustrated me but it didn't go anywhere. After awhile I felt she was doing that so I would keep giving her the compliments and I felt it was a game to her.

The other problem was intimacy, she blames it on me and my dipping tobacco, I will own but she had her excuses like she was thinking about our s or bills etc, said she could take or leave sex so I never really pushed, hindsight this made it look like I didn't want her. Back in August we had a talk and I asked what she wanted in sex, she told me to read 50 shades, I did and it opened my eyes not so much about some of the sex but about the want and desire they had for each other, that is what opened my eyes to what was missing in our sex lives but by then it was to late and she has been AWOL ever since. I think we ml twice after that and I didn't preform very well because I put to much pressure on myself.

[Icecoldw]

Feeling sad this morning, she took our son last night to her moms to start to unpack and spent the night. This is the first time we have spent the night apart that wasn't military related. Just sitting here by myself thinking this is the start of my life, kind of upset that not only does she not want me but she is taking my son from me.

[Icecoldw]

Should I change the locks on the doors to the house or just leave them alone so she can come and go?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Ice, are you getting some individual counseling?? Can you get to your Dr. and maybe see about getting on some anti-depressants? Maybe they can help you a little for now?

You sound just like I did, I know where your at, please please take care of yourself. EAT, SLEEP the best you can, jump rope, do push ups/sit-ups. Have a stationary bike? You are so over thinking every little detail still.

I'm not sure where u live, but most places you CANT change the locks if her name is on the house and your not actually divorced or have a LEGAL separation in /signed/in place. It is after all, half hers.

I know your riding a flood of emotions right now, and its hard at times to put a lucid thought together. Why changes the locks, to provoke a response? Why are you trying to push so hard still?
Time is your friend if your doing the work.

How'd that list I was talking about turn out? Would you care to talk about it? What reading have you been doing? What good friends, or family do you have close by?

[Icecoldw]

Thanks fly, I'm tying to think things through instead of being so impulsive, your right about the door locks, I think I was looking for a response if I did it, again I'm trying to control the sitch. These are things I'm starting to see about myself and change and it's not going to be easy since I have 47 years of habit.

No ic don't think I have the money at the time, have been going to church and seeing my pastor. I do have a good friend at work that has been through this and he lets me talk and vent. Kind of afraid of going on antidepressant in the fact I don't want to get hooked.

I have always over thought things in my head, can't seem to let things go, that's another thing I'm trying to change. Do you know of any books that could help.

[melissag]

Feeling sad this morning, she took our son last night to her moms to start to unpack and spent the night. This is the first time we have spent the night apart that wasn't military related. Just sitting here by myself thinking this is the start of my life, kind of upset that not only does she not want me but she is taking my son from me.

ICW, I can totally relate to this. My H moved out on Thursday and, even though things were actually looking up before then, I've been guilty of having a lot of the kind of self-defeating thoughts that you are. I have to keep repeating the mantra to myself - there is no point in wishing for a life I don't have. I have to take the one I do have and live it the best I possibly can.

It sounds like we are a lot alike as far as trying to control situations. The only control you can have over this situation is over yourself. When you are sitting there bemoaning the fact that your W left and now you don't even have your S as much, you are being passive and accepting the role of the victim, which feels awful and does not serve you well. Read the boards. Read a book (there is a thread a few pages back with some book recommendations - I have purchased a few of them myself and they help!). Think about ways to GAL. Make a list. Do them. Think about how to 180. Make a list. Put them into action when you get a chance. Make a list of the great advice offered on these boards, so you can refer to them frequently. My favorites: you can only control yourself. Don't mind read, and make yourself a spouse only a fool would leave.

My DB coach told me to act "as if." Not only as if I accept H's decision to move out, but also to imagine that H is going to change his mind and come home in 60 days. If I knew that he would, what would I be doing now? Would I be sitting around feeling sorry for myself? Heck no. I would be making sure that I am preparing myself to be the best W I can possibly be when he returns. That's not to say that you should convince yourself that your W will come back, but that you should act as if that is going to happen - it will not only be great for you, but will help you have the best chance to get your W back.

Hang in there - I know how damn tough this is!!

[melissag]

Thanks fly, I'm tying to think things through instead of being so impulsive, your right about the door locks, I think I was looking for a response if I did it, again I'm trying to control the sitch.

As far as the door locks go, I would say don't change them. At this point, you want to make sure that your W has a nicely paved road home. Being locked out of the house is pretty much the opposite. Also, it looks like you are being vindictive and childish - not traits she wants to come home to!

[FlyOnTheWall]

I know it not always the healthiest way, but pick a few threads to read thru beginning to end. They don't have to be exact matches to your situation. It will be amazing to you how they all still seem to feel like they're following the same script thou.

Look at the interactions, lack there of, or over abundance of some on how they helped a situation along, one way or the other.

You'll quickly understand that A. nothing happens over night or in a quick time frame B. Some of the earliest interactions have helped the rest of the situation get where its at. Some good some bad. But its still months or even years and the situation is rarely resolved either way yet.

So, slowwwwwww down, cause you cant fix a situation right now or in the near near future, but you can certainly do permanent damage.

You know what, its ok not to have all the answers right now, its ok to take it as it comes. Sometimes that's the best 180 we can do for ourselves, just let go of ourselves. We tend to discover more about ourselves when the chips are against us, not when everything is rosy and perfect.

[Icecoldw]

Thanks Mel and fly, I need the words of encouragement, I am defiantly realizing a lot about my self and there's many things I need to change, I'm not beating up on my self just doing some soul searching. Yes I can understand how the w fell out of love with me and I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have been acting childish and feeling sorry for myself and Im getting tired of it. When I get tired of a sitch it usually causes me to change what I'm doing, I just have to hit rock bottom before I start to climb out. I can see how this journey I'm on is going to change me for the better. I'm a creature of habit and do not like change especially if there is a lot of change quickly. The other thing that doesn't help is there is a lot of change going on at work, so I can't escape change at the moment. I am going to become the man that any woman will be foolish to leave.

[Icecoldw]

I have been reading through other threads and have been taking notes. I went to the mall last night just to get out of the house and realized the only thing I buy for my self is tools for work, I can't remember the last time I went out and bought some clothes for my self. I going to start a little at a time, not out of impulse and get myself into a bind money wise. Just set small goal for myself. I've also realized I've never set goals for myself or had any type of personal style, just went along with the flow didn't really want to stand out or worried too much about what other people would think.