Slowly work toward getting him to be a more present Dad. Could you ask for a very specific thing, instead of leaving it open-ended? "H, I have an invitation for dinner with some friends, on Thurs night. Could you stay with the kids from 7-10?" And keep to the agreement-don't come home at 10:05 or 10:30. Be there at 10, thank him and send him home.
Thanks for your suggestions I agree, if I want things to change I have to be less vague about everything. I am finding it helps to spell things out and stick to it. I think he will meet my needs if I can state it politely.
We had another (calmer) talk and I expressed that I would feel less burdened by everything if he would help me after school by starting dinner while I did a bit of housework. So he will help me until about 5:00 and then head to his brother's.
For now he is staying over for dinner a few days during the week and usually one day on the weekend. It seems to be working well for us. We set up a bi-weekly date night with our babysitter on Fridays.
Things are moving nicely for us, and we are still able to have our alone time, and not rushing things. He told me that most likely he will be living at home by Christmas!! I was happy to hear that.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I agree, if I want things to change I have to be less vague about everything. I am finding it helps to spell things out and stick to it. I think he will meet my needs if I can state it politely. 
