Divorce Busting Techniques

[melissag]

GAL I am joining a winter running group and taking yoga clases and starting a difficult sewing project.. and training this dog..
Still gives me way too much time to think

thanks for the positive comments. I was reading your thread. it is really difficult to know , especially when they don't seem to know what they are feeling.
True about the space and visiting. I will leave it alone. I guess I want to show him it will be OK... but that is my need not his..grrrr

That is awesome - I have also started running, and it certainly is therapeutic, isn't it? I know how you feel - pretty much every minute I am not distracted (and a lot of the minutes I am distracted), I am thinking about this awful situation. I think you just need to make a list of thoughts you can use to replace the negative ones. As soon as you notice a negative thought enter your mind, replace it with a positive one. Think about the positives - what did you do that was fun; any progress you have made with dog training; that the sun is shining; that you are changing for the better; that H was kind or happy about something, or noticed your 180ing (whatever you can find to be positive about there!). I think I literally need to make a list to refer to, because it is easy to get mired in the negative thoughts and sometimes hard to think of the good ones to push out the bad ones. Also remember that the negative thoughts DO YOU NO GOOD. In fact, they do you harm.

I am not saying this is even remotely easy. But as with everything that is difficult to learn, you can do it, but you need to practice, practice, practice. You will see reading my thread that I am a novice at this . . . I am trying! We can do this together, Lou! Are you in??

[loualea]

Hi Melissa
I am in!
I find the thoughts just jump and take over.I have been keeping this to myself but have opened up to a couple of people and it helps..
The dog just ate my socks so I am not sure if that is positive but he looked happy at least.
You might think you are a novice but I find your thread inspiring.
As well as dealing with H and the issues, managing an enormous house and garden alone ( he does nothing in the garden when he comes, it looks amess and he used to really enjoy making it look good- gee I don't understand that) I am also expected to be doing all these amazing projects at work... eek that is not going so well.

So I suspect that his boss has found out about his affair ( it is a work colleague) they have been keeping it secret..
SO now I wonder where that goes..if it becomes public will he embrace it and own it or reject it...I have no clue
It is hard when you think you know someone so well.. isnt it and then.. smack there is a stranger there

The other problem is he has said nothing about any future plans. He said he is living for the day, it is no good to plan because you are always disappointed. I need to remind myself that he is probably also depressed ( and in denial about that) so is not thinking well..but the best information I have is he needs space, to care for himself and live for himself.. but that was before he said he was seeing someone else.
since then nothing..but I also did not raise that topic ie future, relationship etc.. I amlistening to my coach as you said.
but I am confused

So good things for this week
started yoga it was good
accepted for a running program to help me run 10ks.. maybe good could hurt
I have some good friends
I have started applying for new jobs ..whatever happens I can't and don't want to stay here.. the jobs are on his side of the country but I also have good , close friends there. Actually it feels good to take some action and not just wait for H to direct everything.
A colleague told me what a great job I do... that was good.
H answered text( twice) and actually telephoned..so I was able to keep it light and chat and be the one who said have to go !

I asked a friend to helpme fill in the weekends so I have a lunch date .. with dog in tow

I have lost 13kilos and am the thinnest i have been in 10 years - actually feeling good about it and getting compliments..and I have a new selection of clothes to choose from..

I could write a list of what makes me want to stay in bed with the pillow over my head.. but WE are not going to do that are we ????

thanks for your reply Melissa some how we will come out of this better and stronger and wiser..
Have a good day.. Guess this should have been a PM.. oh well what ever

though I would value opinions on what I might expect when the affair is exposed...or at least discussed with the boss..
any expereinces anyone ???

[loualea]

A question for the experienced

I am working through my goals using DR.
I am alone this weekend- seems like he will visit every second weekend..I am planning on being busier and not just waiting around but it still is lonely.

H concern is that he does not trust me or believe in my any more. He seems to remember those social occassions where guests have talked about an activity and I have made a positive comment but he knows it is not something I would really like.Also bigger issues where things did not work out the way he hoped- moving to another country and then moving back here..while he had liked living away.

so the social converstaion thing I can change but building trust.. I don't actively lie to him, I have never had an affair, I have not done things behind his back, I don't have secret passwords
So I kow it is a long road and a slow process but looking at my goals I am not sure how to put that as an action...

as we do not live together it is hard to do in small daily things which I could imagine if he was here.

[loualea]

Hi all
having a bad day
questioning myself.. every step of the way
so he is still seeing the OW. His sister suspects. We don't talk aboout it.

I can't give any ultimatums.. he said the marriage was finished before they began the affair ( maybe in his head.. which is what I read is how affairs are justified.. whatever ..I can't change his thinking)

so he lives on the other side of the country and the plan was that I should relocate in summer.
I was approached to apply for ajob back at my old workplace and I have.
So do I tell him?
On the one side he said me living with him would not work for him
so I am not assuming that but that I will have to get my own place. That would be Ok I have a better support network there anyway and if he is going to really formally separate or divorce w need to sell this house ( I have no idea what he is thinking- he said he can't plan and is living for today)
But will it appear as pressuring and organising and controlling

the other side is he felt like he could not trust me or believe me so if I don't tell him then it is demonstrating that he can't trust me because I don't share important things with him..

I have goals one of which is that he will be relaxed when we are together and that I will only organise myself and begin to build trust in small things..
which way to jump? Any ideas..

Is there a chance this is salvagable.. I am working on myself, GAL and having coaching but I miss him who he was and how it was between us.

[loualea]

Another question
He lives in a town that I want to visit in the next few weeks- it has a big Christmas market. he said no
which is no staying with him.

but I want to go to the town anyway.
Do I just go, stay with a friend and come back home and let him know later, or not at all??

[Mimi00]

I say go and have a good time. Maybe it will come up in future conversation, but for now he doesn't have to know.

[melissag]

Hi Lou, somehow I missed your updates the last day or two!

Yes, the negative thoughts crop up all the time for me, too. Allowing them to affect you is being passive. Instead, do something that gives you some control - think about your goals, what you are doing to reach them, and what positives you see. Then think about how you want your day to look, and make it happen!

Also, keep up with your humor! I LOLed at the dog eating your socks. I wish I had a dog to eat my socks but my D9 is allergic to all but the little yappy ones. I hope the socks came out OK - a friend of mine had to pay $2500 to have her panties surgically removed from her dog's intestines. Oy.

As far as the future with your H, it sounds like he knows nothing more than you do, so it's definitely not something you should be bringing up. You worry about YOUR future. I know it is hard to live with uncertainty, but I look at it this way. Sitting in this ambiguity is better than the certainty of D, and it gives you a chance to look at the things in yourself that you can change/improve. I have taken to planning 48 hours in advance, and, even though I usually like to plan months ahead, I am really OK with this.

You had lots of good things this week! I am in better shape than ever too, and it is really nice to feel good about yourself physically, isn't it? And compliments never hurt, either.

I don't really understand your H's complaints about you and the M. Because you said something positive about something you didn't like? That sounds pretty lame. Did he give you any more details than that? He may be grasping at straws to justify his A. What do you see as the problems in the M?

He lives in a town that I want to visit in the next few weeks- it has a big Christmas market. he said no
which is no staying with him.

but I want to go to the town anyway.
Do I just go, stay with a friend and come back home and let him know later, or not at all??

If the Christmas market was in another town equally as far away, would you go? Or are you secretly hoping that he may change his mind, or maybe you will run into him? If you really want to go and it has nothing to do with H, then go ahead, but at the very least don't tell him beforehand, as he will probably take that as pressure.

Is there a chance this is salvagable.. I am working on myself, GAL and having coaching but I miss him who he was and how it was between us.

Who knows? I guess there is always a chance, right? I know you want someone to say yes, yes, this will work, because that will give you the strength and the stamina to keep standing for your marriage, but the fact is, nobody knows! Not you, not your H, and nobody on this board. You are better off focusing on the process, your goals, and your successes than on the outcome. The outcome may or may not be what you want, and may not be known for a long while, so you can't let that guide your thoughts or actions.

[loualea]

Planning 48 hours ahead. I too planned months ahead.
Another issue - too controlling..
I guess I am in that dark place at the moment and have to pull myself back.
He is cold and distant when we talk and he was the one who called. I don't think I want to talk anymore.
I see all these signs that he is making a life without me and it hurts. He went to our favourite winery and I guess by the size of the bill on our bank account bought a case. No big deal except it was on the way to see me and he did not tell me. I could make al sorts of justifications for it but the truth is he is just quietly building a life I am not included in.
He redirected his post, then lied and said he didn't.
Changed the car registration.
Seems like he can't do confrontation.. first I knew of it.We did not ever fight, discussed but there was never a fight with raised voices or emotions.

My goals seem a long way away tonight.
I need to make tomorrow a better day.
MAybe refine the goals, make them more achievable in the light of my new understandings of my H.

The dog is great company but I am not always sure if I am such great company for him. he was another source of stress apparently. he did not want a dog- even though for 6 weeks he really seemed to like him. His comment when getting a dog was he would not have the time to take it to the vet. I said that was fine that I could do that. No straight out I don't want a dog.

Yes he is someone who does not express his emotions and he is someone who does things for people.. Acts of Service is his Language I would say.

I have an invitation for lunch.. so tomorrow will be better than today..

I admire how you people stay so positive..
and yes I am going to the markets. It will be a weekend when I am not here alone.

[melissag]

I guess I am in that dark place at the moment and have to pull myself back. He is cold and distant when we talk and he was the one who called. I don't think I want to talk anymore. I see all these signs that he is making a life without me and it hurts. He went to our favourite winery and I guess by the size of the bill on our bank account bought a case. No big deal except it was on the way to see me and he did not tell me. I could make al sorts of justifications for it but the truth is he is just quietly building a life I am not included in.

We all go to dark places in our minds sometimes. You have two choices. You can just give up and allow yourself to be sucked into that dark place, or you can taker matters into your own hands! As the vets here will tell you, patience is key. Do you see any baby steps? He called you - why? Did he need to? Or did he want to? Regardless of his mood, did you act calm and light hearted? That can make a big difference. If he is cold and distant, and you respond in kind, he is not going to want to call again. Maybe he wants to see what your reaction will be. Maybe he is looking for something positive from you.

Don't focus on the things he is doing to create a new life. You will just drive yourself crazy. My H spent $1500 on bunk beds for our kids for his apartment. I just don't let myself go there. Gotta focus on the things you can control. I am guessing that you are probably making all kinds of erroneous assumptions about his life right now. Don't let yourself think anything you have no evidence for. My H got cable installed, bought furniture, bought a sound system for his apartment, etc. I thought he was just living high on the hog, loving the single life, thought he was so great, didn't give a crap about me. Well, he told me a few days ago that he pretty much just works, goes to the gym, and does a lot of writing about his thoughts. And here I was torturing myself with all kinds of crazy made up stories.

So - maybe your H is loving his life, moving on, not looking back. But you don't know that. So file those thoughts away under "things I am making up in my head," and live only in the reality you know.

This is the hardest part, but you have to focus on YOU YOU YOU!

My goals seem a long way away tonight.
I need to make tomorrow a better day.
MAybe refine the goals, make them more achievable in the light of my new understandings of my H.

That;s the great thing about life - there is always tomorrow. Another chance to have a good day. I think you said you have a DB coach, right? Did he/she help you with your goals? I think it is a little confusing to set realistic goals sometimes.

Yes he is someone who does not express his emotions and he is someone who does things for people.. Acts of Service is his Language I would say.

Does he like to receive acts of service? My H does a lot of acts of service for others, but it is not his LL. He is physical touch and affirmation guy. But he always did acts of service for me - even though that's not my LL either. I guess we really should have read the book!

Have a great time at lunch tomorrow!

[mustardseed]

I am glad you are deciding to go. And your GAL plans sound great. Dogs are great, even just petting them is said to raise endorphins. I think we need every bit of positive interaction we can get right now. And the unconditional love of a dog is usually the perfect dose.

Here is to a new JOB (I'm looking too), GAL, PMA and DOG!