Divorce Busting Techniques

[loualea]

So he arrives tomorrow.
He wrote a long emailing detailing the events that have made him unhappy.
I can see his point, though I have to think he did not ever express these views at the time. But I am not raising that issue. I can see why he doesn't want this marriage and actually if it as he describes I don't want something like that either.

I am thinking I should use the advice of saying I agree the marriage doesn't work, but we can work on something else. But after a week of being alone and thinking I realise that there are changes I need to make for me to make me happier, more relaxed and less organising - I know that for me, quite a relevation but not something I plan on
sharing.

It all stems from needing approval. That is what I am working on for me..

mellissag I can really feel for you and living in the house alone takes courage. I try to stay busy and this site helps.. a lot . If I feel the panic of living alone I check here and read. I really admire how you are handling this, inspires me Thanks

[Mimi00]

Hi louela, its actually a positiventhat you now have a list of your husbands complaints about the marriage. A lot of WASs walk away w/o clearly explaining why and the LBS can sometimes be clueless as to what chabges they need to make. So use that list to your benefit.

I found my H's list while cleaning up several months ago and I stuck it in one of my drawers and forgot about it. I didn't know how to go about fixing a lot of the things on that list at the time anyways. I recently found the list again and I plan to make the necessary changes to check off every valid thing on that list so that with or with out my H I will never make those mistakes again. It also takes away all of his excuses and leaves nothing but the truth.

When my H BD'd a few months ago, I listened and validated by saying "i understand....that mustve been hard...i did not realize you felt that way etc...". The old me would've told him "my side" (which usually helped nothing bc he believed his negative assumptions over my words anyway) or I cried the entire time. So the point of validating is letting them feel like they are being heard, giving worth to their feelings, showing support.

[melissag]

You are correct re: validating. If you try to explain your side, or tell him why he was wrong in interpreting something, or that he shouldn't feel that way, that's the opposite of validation. You are telling him that his feelings are incorrect/invalid. And, you are ignoring his feelings and telling him your own. What you need to do now is actually listen to him, without judgment. You don't need to agree with him, or be able to understand how that feels to him or why he is looking at the situation a certain way. The point is that he has feelings, and they are valid. And right now, you are putting his feelings and needs above your own. You can yell out those feelings, punch pillows, redline your/his car and strip a few gears (what? me do that? nooooo, I have NO idea why the car came back into the garage smelling like it was on fire) or whatever you need to do to release your feelings - but NOT when he is around. I think I read somewhere on this site a post where the person said you need to take your feelings, put them in a box, tie it up, and put it on the back of a shelf. Another day, you can open it up, but for now, they need to stay in the box when your H is around. (I find that exercise and IC are super helpful to get out those bottled up feelings.)

I think the "same old" and "180" advice is so valuable. Right or wrong, your H has certain expectations (obviously negative) of your behavior . . . so make sure when you are talking, your reaction is NOT what he expects. You want to (without saying it) challenge that negative view of you he has in his head. When you react selflessly, you are taking away his ammo, and he will put down his weapon. Maybe not entirely, or right that minute, but you will see a softening.

Thanks for the shout out, Loualea, that made my day! This site is my lifeline, too! I was on another site for a bit, and it seems that everyone there is more into being angry and bitter - nobody says "you should take a stand for your marriage." They all say, "burn his clothes on the lawn and find someone else." That may work for someone else, but did not feel right to me.

[loualea]

So he is here, is distant but friendly enough and not one word about the relationship. I am finding it so stressful, waiting for a bomb to explode again. I am following the 37 steps and my coaches advice so am not initiating any relationship talk or talk about the marriage or future and neither is he...ahh
he will leave in afew hours..no idea when he is back I suspect not next weekend..
we have exchanged emails about his issue and he was going to talk more.but nothing yet.
I have no idea where we are.. he still is not affectionate at all so I assume he isthinking we are separated but he slept in our bed so.... I have no clue..
He is also distant with our pup but that looks like it takes an effort and he would like to interact more but hasn't and doesn't.
I am giving him space, not managing or organising and letting him set the pace..but it is very uncomfortable.
just needed to vent a bit

I was thinking about me visiting him some weekends so he doesn't have to do all the travelling but that will only be if he is making a plan for regular trips down here...I think.
he has left most of his clothes and just has a few things so he has not movedout
the next move is up to him

[loualea]

He left, no talk, no mention of anything.
I asked when I would see him next he said next week was really busy with travel so it would not be until the next weekend?
I suggested travelling up there but he said he thought I hated the town he worked in ( it was one of the problems with the new job). I don't like it as much as where we are living but not enough to destroy the marriage on. I said that had been last year and my opinions had changed. End of discussion.

I can't figure why he keeps coming down if he says he doesn't want me to move there, is caring for himself and just cares a bit for me??? he was distant but not unfriendly just distant. We cooked together and watched TV:
He put my winter tyres on, organised some things around the house that he usually takes care of.. I thought he was planning to not come back for a long time. I am totally confused.

I thought I did well on 180 I was positive about everything( I am usually too critical) and when I heard a CD in his car that is obviously not his taste (must be OW, I would guess he really does not like it ) I just smiled and said that is new. I did not ask about what he has been doing, I did not manage or organise though so many organising comments were on the tip of my tongue.
I did not start conversations except the one as he left, I did need to know when he would be back.
I think he thinks it has all been said in the email. He told me his problems but not what he plans to do next.. he said we can talk during the week.
I did not plead or beg as I have previously or try to negotiate..
Feeling like I did ( ready to explode) I think I did OK.
and after he left I lay down and screamed and cried for 20 minutes and now I am whining to you.

[melissag]

Hi Loualea, sorry you had a rough weekend. It sounds like you did well, following the 37 rules, 180ing and being positive. (And trust me, I know how hard that can be, so good for you!!) If I were you, I'd be glad that there was no conversation about the R, as right now it sounds like he is not feeling too positive about it. If he didn't mention moving out, I'd say no news is good news.

So now he has a week or more to digest the way you behaved this weekend . . . and next time you see him, you will continue with the 180ing. What can you do next time he is there that is different? You want to surprise him so that his view of you is challenged. Is there a 180 you can do with your appearance, the house, or how you behave? What about when he walks in the door? What is he expecting you to do/look like/say? Do something different.

In the meantime, you have some time to GAL. What do you have planned in this regard? I can't tell you how much GALing helps with PMA. I'll be honest, for now, the PMA doesn't last that long after I do a GAL activity, but even a few hours of it helps. It takes some practice, I think, to really get into the swing of it. I know you probably don't feel like going out and doing fun things, but just do it anyway.

Oh - one other thing - don't suggest that you visit him yet. He hasn't indicated that anything is different or that he wants to see you, so that is just pressure to him, and shows that you are not accepting that he wants his space. Remember to act as if you accept that he wants space/time away from you!

OK, you've cried and screamed and whined on this board, so now what are you going to do today?

[Mimi00]

I think each of us have to find a delicate balance between giving space and still speaking the " love language" of our spouse.

I can relate to your sitch b/c my H lives somewhere else because of his job. When I went to visit the first time it was winter in the mountains....cold and heights aren't my favorite things, so I was a bit ify of the location but I was happy to see him. After that visit he never invited me back b/c my visit was the only time he had "negativity" there bc he assumed I didn't like it and he didn't want me to come back and ruin his happy life there again, so instead he came to visit me. The next time I saw him he was keeping tabs on my behavior....I wasn't DBing at the time, but I naturally follow his lead and it seemed that he wanted space.....but really he was watching me and seeing if I was affectionate with him etc....so things didn't end well b/c he felt we had no connection and that I didn't feel comfortable around him anymore..while I was simply waiting for him to reach out to me and didn't know I was being "watched".

All of our sitches are unique...the 37 rules and DB techniques are guides but we have to also know how to "ad-lib" appropriately when needed, if that makes sense?

I don't know if what I'm saying is helpful to you, but I felt the need to share it as i learned from the mistakes i made in a similar situation.

[melissag]

I think each of us have to find a delicate balance between giving space and still speaking the " love language" of our spouse.

Sorry, Lou, for hijacking your thread, but this may be helpful for you as well. Mimi, this is kind of where I am right now - H has moved out saying he needs space to (a) figure out who he is/wants to be and (b) figure out if we can fix things. When he was here, I was able to 180 and speak his LL (physical touch - I did not initiate, but I sure reciprocated!), and things were going really well. Now that he is not here, it seems that the 37 rules view this as pursuing, which I am not supposed to be doing.

When the chief complaint of the WAS is that he/she did not feel loved enough (my H even said that he thought that I would be happier without him and wanted him to go away - ouch), how does it make him want to come back if you are ignoring him? How do you draw that line between not pursuing and appearing cold and unaffectionate?

Just curious what has and hasn't worked for you.

[loualea]

GAL I am joining a winter running group and taking yoga clases and starting a difficult sewing project.. and training this dog..
Still gives me way too much time to think

thanks for the positive comments. I was reading your thread. it is really difficult to know , especially when they don't seem to know what they are feeling.
True about the space and visiting. I will leave it alone. I guess I want to show him it will be OK... but that is my need not his..grrrr

[loualea]

Not a hijacking Melissa

my questions as well. We hardly speak from weekend to weekend and so it is hard to show the 180 I am making .. and believe me in my head they are working fine but no one to see.. being more positive, not finding fault, not organising or managing and his language of love is Acts of Service.. he really likes when things are done for him.. but he is 4 hours away though i did manage to clean off a stain on his favouirte sweat shirt this afternoon and he was happy to hear it I think