THINK LIKE HARE MOVE LIKE A TORTOISE

[Ambivalent]

I think I need a companion. Not a lover but someone who will just do some things with me. I'm tired of doing things alone. I don't want to do anything with my girlfriends, for I don't want to discuss my relationship, and I don't want to hear about divorce.

I need to laugh, and enjoy life . I'm not right now. When I look in the mirror, even when I think for someone who is 53, I look not bad,( my daughter and her roommates just told me I looked like I was in my early 40's ) I see such sorrow in my eyes.
I wonder if others see it. I used to be described as a bubbly personality. I don't feel the fizz.

3-7 years is a long time to be married and not be married. Many times in our marriage we were in moving limbo. It was very stressful at those times. I feel this again.

The people who do this , have no clue about the pain that they cause. I feel traumatized. I don't say it to feel sorry for myself, I just feel it. I hear his voice sometimes. I see him in crowds.

I think to myself, is he hurting so badly that discarding someone who gave him two beautiful girls, and her life is so inconsequential? Is the sex drive in a man THAT powerful? Does he really feel younger doing this...how can you put Viagra in your mouth and not feel older when doing that? How long does the denial go on?

I felt as if I didn't count at times in our marriage. His family , his friends, this just makes it worse. It is such a blow to someone's self worth.

I noticed he looked really old tonight. Tired. I don't want to look like him, worn out. Do I see this now because I don't see him daily? Do I look old to him?

I'm not bawling like last weekend. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not worthy . I feel ostracized, unloved, crushed. One can't be friends after something like this. For friends end things. They don't do this.

He wants to hunt Tuesday morning. I have school, and he thinks we can trade cars afterwards there. I don't want to do that. It is bringing my marriage issues somewhere where I don't want them. I don't want the women to see him or me with him.

I was going to go to the gymn, or a movie. I can't move my body right now. (:/

[Ambivalent]

Under The Tuscan Sun

[Feenix]

Hey Ambiv,

I've been reading your past two threads...and the other day, wanted to post but just didn't know what to say. I am so sorry for all the hurt you've been going through.

Your hurt and heartache are so obvious...and I definitely understand your pain so much.

I will say this, though, at least for me....when I finally found out the truth about my H's year long affair...when I could finally confront him about it....it really filled me with relief.

I had my suspicions and concerns and worries and "what ifs"...and having them all out in the open and having H KNOW that I knew...that was very freeing.

You are SO much stronger than you think you are. When the time comes, do NOT be afraid to confront your H or to let him know what you know. I promise that the anticipation (and the imagining) is so much worse than the actual knowing.

***And, I LOVE that movie Under the Tuscan Sun....wish I could run away to Italy right now!!!***

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Angela, I would love to run away but not to Italy. I like words too much, since I don't know Italian it would be torture!

Didn't sleep well last night...SHOULD have gone to the gymn.

I'll get my butt there today uuuuugh.

Going to keep phone off for awhile. I think that'll help.

Pretty day outside, going to preserve some more stems.

School for now...

[Ambivalent]

I hear ya Gabby. Perhaps new friends for now...

[job]

Ambivalent,
You would enjoy Italy. BTW, most of the younger Italians are bi-lingual and speak fairly good English. I enjoyed my time over there so much that I've made the trip 4 times in the last 9 years. The cultural, history and the landscape is beautiful.

I have to agree w/gabbysmom, you need to get out a bit and not hide away. I do understand how you feel, but life is moving along each and every minute and you need to be living it. I can promise you that your h is living his life.

You do not have to talk about your situation all of the time, but if they inquire, you can always say a work in progress...but you do need to get out and about a bit more.

You only have control over your life and what you do w/each and every day is your choice. I do hope that you'll start venturing out w/your friends once again because I do think you'll feel better than being at home thinking about your situation.

Please, please take care of yourself.

[Ambivalent]

Hey Job,

I'm actually pretty busy, I just don't enjoy it . I'm out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday eves. Sunday's are school. So I actually do get out, I'm just not into it right now. I take myself to movies and go to the gymn daily, work Fridays and Saturdays,too. I'm going to add Sat. eve. services since I'm at school on S's. Because I'm out of the house so much I like the rest at home.

I have wonderful pets and since they were raised with someone at home all the time, I need and desire to be with them the rest of the time.

My daughters are in a county away, and right now they remind me of what is missing.

I'll get through this, it is just going to take time. Also, I have another week at the new dosage. If it doesn't help, I can up it once more.

I am DB'ing, it just feels odd with him coming over so much more. I know it's an opportunity to practice and listen...and I'm doing it. I'm also not sure I'm going to like the guy he becomes.

I mean the concerts, casino's , magnetic stud, more drinking, is just not something I'm attracted to. I hope this is just him trying on new personas and he will eventually discard them. It really looks as if he is doing the "surround yourself with youth" thing.

I know when I'm surrounded by youth, they seem so shallow to me. Not all, but I've always been drawn to emotional maturity. Now I don't me anold farts, just someone one can talk with and share the history I've lived.

When I played tennis I did enjoy the multiple ages. It was refreshing and interesting too. But young people in a party environment is not my thing. I believe it is also just ODD to be my age and want to hang with those who are twenty years my junior.

Many of the young ladies at school are fabulous, but I'm not going to clubs, casinos and concerts with them. I would do it occasionally with my husband if asked, but not a regular thing.

I'd rather do things. Camp, hike, dance, go out with couples closer to my age, paintball, hunt, sled, picnics. I'm actually interested in many activities, and when I get through this I'll throw myself into them.

It is a lot that I go dancing. It does allow for touching and close proximity to people while being in a large crowd. The music is upbeat and happy, while the exercise is fantastic. It takes me a great deal of effort to get myself there. I pay for all the classes upfront so it forces me to go. Once I'm there, I do enjoy learning.

He was working from home for the past seven years and my daughter was around too. So to go from constant presence to naught is a huge adjustment. Funny, it used to drive me crazy to have him around all the time , for we didn't usually have such togetherness. So I've gone from constant companionship to zero, with him boomeranging back and forth. It does pose such a challenge for detachment.

Oh well, I have gone from it's been six months to it's only been six months. So I guess that's a good sign (:}.

Being out of the home and with others really doesn't distract me much anyhow, for I'm in my head a lot these days. Not always pining for him.

I've discovered I was actually more detached while in my active marriage, and now it has made me realize that I didn't allow myself to really attach. I believe I did this to protect myself from pain. I guess I loved him more deeply than I thought. I just didn't allow myself to cleave unto him.

I'm also dealing with a lot of guilt for my part in this. For causing him such pain. This is about our intimacy and allowing it to go untended. I was hurt a great deal by him, and rather than say it matter of fact, I stuffed it. I didn't want to hurt or be discounted. It apparently caused a lack of libido on and off .

So this is painful in many many ways. I need to really think about what I want. It scares me and I feel very uncomfortable with the feelings that come and go. I understand that he needs to go through this, I do. I'm torn between knowing and not wanting to know.
By knowing some of the things he's doing I don't feel so disconnected . And on the other hand, by not sharing what I surmise, I'm giving him the gift of doing what he needs and to come to his own decision based upon his feelings and experiences; without having to look me in the eyes and feel as if he can never come to me.

He would see the pain in my eyes and he can't deal with this at this time. It would drive him away, it has been his pattern from the beginning of our separation. I didn't beg or plead, but I did weep for the pain I had caused him. I don't want to do that in front of him right now.

[Ambivalent]

Angela,

Your thread is reeeeally helping. Accuray has made detaching a bit more clear. Also his boundary setting helps.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Question:


While my husband has been coming and going, he has done so mostly on my school night days. I don't like it because I don't concentrate well after seeing him.

This Tuesday 5:30 am, he wants to switch cars again. Later when it gets past hunting he wants to swap cars in my school parking lot. I am extremely uncomfortable with the whole day.


Does this seem reasonable?

A boundary I'd like to set is no meetings or coming over on those days. I prefer to workout and study on those days, try and relax without planning anything.

Now , because my esteem is shot I don't know if I'm being too sensitive? The last three times I was accommodating and went with the flow.

I'm not sure how I'd phrase it. Obviously I don't want to tell him I'm uncomfortable for I'm trying to appear relaxed and easy going/flexible.

Accuray if you're following what do you think?

[Ambivalent]

Helloooo? Anyone out there?

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, you can appear relaxed and flexible, but if you need to study on a certain day, you can let him know what is more convenient for you. And if you are uncomfortable with swapping cars in the school parking lot, suggest some other place and just simply say that you would prefer that other place. You definitely can go with the flow, if you feel like it. But if it creates some inconvenience for you all the time, you need change that. I know it could be difficult, but in the long run, if you always accommodate to his schedule, he will start taking you for granted.